Review:
WORST MOVIE POSTERS OF ALL TIME: A Treasury Of Trash
by Gregory J. Edwards and Robin Cross
published 1984 by Sphere Books, Ltd.; London & Sydney
64 pgs.

Sure, WORST MOVIE POSTERS is organized in a manner of clever
categorization, with such chapter titles as "Where Ghouls Rush In", "Naughty
Naughty", "The Great Outdoors" and "Alien Bosoms And Blobs". But the
visual material (particularly the decent depiction on the back cover of
the younger curve-laden Zsa Zsa Gabor from "Queen Of Outer Space")
renders the chapter titles and all other copy almost moot. Such bait
entices immediate random page flips, as one careens through the lurid
promotional material. For sheer spectacle, standout examples would
include the two-page reproduction of a poster from "Godzilla: King Of
The Monsters", which unwisely depicts the bosomy blonde caucasian
refugees of Tokyo with faces suggesting nausea or incontinence rather
than fright. There's the expressionistic bombast of the poster from
1955's "Timberjack" (which the copy notes was directed by the same Joe
Kane who'd just previously directed 42 Roy Rogers films in a row). This
one stresses the loudly plaid presence of leading man Sterling Hayden.
In spite of Hayden being depicted while applying a rapist's grab to
Vera Ralston (for some reason dressed like Carmen Miranda fresh from Rio
while the view behind them incongruously displays middle-of-nowhere
Pacific northwest vistas), Hayden's expression is that of a confused man
who wonders why he agreed to do this turkey of a project. And then one
beholds the artistic snafus of the poster from the Jack Palance sword-and-sandal
epic (yes, that's what I said!) "Sword Of The Conqueror". The
cartoonish rendition of Palance in a Flintstones costume suffers from
the scale of the sword-bearing right arm, which appears to be a leg
growing out of his shoulder. Pile on top of THAT the experience of
seeing the full-page reproduction of the poster from "Girl On The Run",
which features six slightly overweight women in black lace underwear and
small black "robber" masks that conceal mainly the eyebrows. One
channels an alternate-universe Opie as he walks in on Aunt Bea and her
friends putting together costumes for community theater; this row of
women looks disturbingly like a bunch of your pals' moms.

WORST MOVIE POSTERS suffers a bit from organizational oversights, such
as the lack of an index. Also, chapter titling is small and crammed
into the corners of page layouts, rather than centered on a new page.
This makes it hard to distinguish where one chapter stops and another
starts. But these are minor issues, since the visual spectacle (the
whole point of the book) blasts from page to page unabated, in
impressive and apparently accurate color (as best I can recall from what
examples I've seen elsewhere). But the book's copy affords value as
well, and the poster reproductions in most cases allow one to read the
cast lists and other credits along the bottom edges. All this brings
out history probably unknown to the reader. Who woulda thought that
Hammer girl Martine Beswicke had done a softcore porn epic with Phil (Sgt.
Bilko) Silvers ("Hollywood Blue")? I was surprised to have learned
that top-flight actor Joseph Cotten had slummed in such fare as "Lady
Frankenstein". And what the hell was Robert Lansing doing in the 1959
Harold Robbins tale "The Pusher"? (Probably paying some bills...)

Although it's a little difficult to picture this book's market (who
would buy such a thing?), for the thrill-seeker with a strong stomach,
amazements abound. Remember Cloris Leachman/Nurse Diesel's bra in "High
Anxiety"? Well, there the damn thing is again on some bimbo in the
poster for Roger Corman's "Demons Of The Swamp". Thrill to the
discovery that Robert "Long John Silver" Newton headlined in the
sleazefest "Waterfront Women"! And I've got to hand it to the whole
crew that produced WORST MOVIE POSTERS for resurrecting the one from
that cultural cornerstone "The Groove Tube", a favorite of mine. The
ineptly rendered work features six scenes from various skits in the
movie and most female faces look like men, while the male faces'
coloration is appropriate to someone vomiting in a steam room. But the
kicker is in the bottom right corner, in the section from the skit in
which Ken Shapiro and Richard Belzer have to eat some pot to avoid
getting busted for posession. A word balloon above the two faces
thoughtfully explains the situation with the question "Why are they
eating grass?" But even the literal clue-in can't deflect the
inevitable conclusion of the viewer that something ELSE is going on: the
'grass' in the mouths of Shapiro and Belzer is rendered off-color and
too finely, not in dark-green leafy fashion but black and whiskery.
From a visual standpoint, one is led to conclude that the two comedians
are forcing themselves to eat handfuls of pubic hair.

Is this sort of thing up your alley? No? Then what are you doing
reading my column? WORST MOVIE POSTERS OF ALL TIME delivers on its
promise of yanking the reader past scene after scene of barely-describable
bungling in the attempt to promote films. Some mistakes are subtle,
being single poor choices amidst many other effective aspects of a work.
Other posters feature wall-to-wall flubs: oceans of wrong perspective,
clashing color and cockeyed angles. But whatever the work included in
this book, the poster will have that "Ed Wood" feel, that esthetic
texture that radiates a funloving sincerity that can emerge even in the
midst of ineptitude. Buy this one with confidence. Four stars.