Help wanted for challenging weekly position south of Beltway 8. Introverts need not apply. Responsibilities include herding packs towards a common goal, begging for money and annoying people for hours on end. Must have the following skills: be able to distinguish jailbait from legal, be able to keep your wangdoodle in your pants while in public, must be able to withstand many unique and offensive odors, have a very accurate gaydar and able to tell male from female from question mark. Patience is a must, as most of the people you will be dealing with are products of severly underfunded and mismanaged school systems. Established relationships with adult club owners are a plus, as we are often considered a training ground for these establishments. Must be more entertaining than a box of packing material, especially when given a microphone and the duty to warm up an audience. If your idea of entertaining is just shouting at the audience with no sense of timing, witty banter or even a coherent train of thought, please read another ad. The only shift available is on Saturday nights. Benefits may include any of the following: free leftover food, gratuitous nudity (both the kind you want to see and the kind that makes you want to poke out your eyes), the opportunity to be a father figure to many young people and the potential to be a "star". If interested, please reply with your resume and I will forward it to the appropriate party. Don't worry, you can't be any worse than the very hairy guy already doing the job.