September 30, 2004
FEBRUARY 2, 2005
President Zweibel recovered his composure and yelled into the phone.
"WHERE have you been?!"
"Setting up the office", answered Director Klugeburger. "And don't worry about looking for a bunker; there's not one."
"But what was four hundred million spent on?"
"The decoy. We poured three floors and put up perimeters and guard shacks but rather than outfit, wire and furnish, we filled it up with ping pong balls and looped phony com traffic out of it. The real setup's in an abandoned parking garage in Baltimore; Gene Hackman mentioned it to me at a mixer at Will Smith's last spring."
"What's the report on the Pakistan crap?!"
"Oh, that - VP Uber's going slow on the Double-Secret clearance so I don't see it all yet, but they've been able to tell me that the baddies cycle between the Bolan pass and Peshawar dressed as fully-robed female tax accountants. Nobody is interested in talking with them."
"So how can Special Ops ID the ones they send across?"
"The radium tracers we impressed into the latest Urdu printing of Entertainment Weekly should set off border sensors. The boys in the KH-18 MOL use those sightings to tip off forward observers, airborne ordnance, whatever can take a look."
"What the hell's a KH-18?"
"Remember that stuff they cancelled? Someone forgot to cancel a few things..."
Tune in tomorrow when we'll hear press secretary Thrillhouse say:
"What the President REALLY MEANT was [insert attempt to make policy here]..."
Almost a sale...
Put some tits on that thing to rest my face between and I'm down.
February 1st, 2005
I awoke, as usual, to an incessant head-pounding of jackhammer magnitude. Bleary-eyed and with a fluttering gut, I managed to push myself up from the middle of the floor. Two empty bottles of tequila, 3 pizza boxes, an empty can of silly string, one porno mag and, most offensively, a big fat puke stain right on top of the presidential seal. Dammit, I really need to take this job more seriously.
Every night since November has been one long train-wrecked hallucination. This third party candidacy that took off like gangbusters in the middle of October has derailed all the post-election plans I had for….
Wait, who the hell is that? Ah, geez. No question she’s going to be late for her PoliSci class. Oh, well. Not my problem.
“Hey, you…. Beat it. I got a press conference today at like… I dunno, 3:00 or something. You gotta get out of here.”
“Out of where? Oh, yeah. Hey, did the Mexican ambassador ever get th---“
“Look, just amscray, all right?”
She put on her Wellesley College sweatshirt and huddled under a sheet as she gathered her effects. For my part, I opened the door to the office and heard the usual midweek bustle of the most important office in the free world. Time to get cracking. Uh.. after a good shower and some take-out IHOP.
An hour or so later, I am headed back down the hallway to (ahem) get to work. I see the head of my security detail waiting for me: a 6’3 pepper-haired gentleman sporting a “Proxmire RULES!” button.
“So, how’re the tours looking today. Anything good?”
“Not really. Slim pickings, indeed. I’m running a background check on one particular redhead. Seems she donated to the Sierra Club a few years back. I think I can live with that, though. I mean, for an ass like that...”
“Well, good luck. Seen the veep this morning? He and I were supposed to meet for an intelligence briefing.”
“I seriously doubt that’s going to happen. The Intelligence Director hasn’t been seen for at least two weeks.”
“What the hell is Klugeburger up to?!! He was supposed to give us the lowdown on recent traffic across the Pakistan border!!!"
“Yeah, well, once his security clearance for access to the FBI background files came through, he disappeared with boxes and boxes of them. Haven’t seen him since.”
“Maybe he’s in his “undisclosed location.” What’s the line there?”
“That's another problem. Three days into his post, he directed a portion of his budget to construction of a new bunker. We’re, umm… having trouble locating it.”
“What the hell? Just get the contractor on the line!”
“Yeah, see, he contracted the deal out, but only on the condition that each stage of the construction be sub-contracted even further, with diminishing returns on our capacity to track it. We got all the way down to a 5th level team in the Ukraine before the trail stopped.”
A deep sigh emanated from that special reserve of frustration I have for our Intelligence Director. I really ought to have thought that decision out more. Fuck it. Off to the veep’s office anyway.
I got halfway down the hall when I heard the strains of “Rocket Man”… the Phil Collins version of the Billy Joel cover of the Elton John tune. Oy. And upon opening the door to the second most important office in the land (heh), I was immediately greeted with a bottle of Ernest and Julio Gallo Sonoma Estate 1991 Chardonnay (a rather stout choice) to the head, flung from the other side of the room.
“SONUVABITCH, that hurt!! What the hell is the matter with you?!!”
“Not a thing, fucknut! The question is, what the hell is the matter with you?!”
There he sat in all his glorious spendor. He was surrounded by books, PC detritus, and the most offensive assembly of Pier One merchandise I’d ever seen. I mean, really! It was a disgrace to the office. Then I remembered the condition of the presidential seal in my office and felt a tad sheepish.
“So Mr. Klugeburger has made off with all the intelligence files and no one has a clue where he is.”
“I know. Who do you think got him security clearance?”
“Dammit, you know that’s supposed to go through the proper channels!! Why would you do that?
“To piss you off.. why else?”
He said it with that unmistakeable shit-eating grin. And then he started the deep self-satisfied laugh that is always at someone else’s expense. I couldn’t stand that laugh. I wanted to claw his trachea out right then and there and, if he didn’t have at least a 2-1 size advantage over me, I would have. But there were more important things to deal with, so I left him to “wallow in his own crapulence.”
I knew there were more pressing problems. I knew something had to be done. Zweibel/Uber was the ticket that promised freedom from the inaction that plagues every new administration. We were going to get things done, dammit!! And I was going to start right now by orde------
BANG!
*******************************
I woke up surrounded by ballons and inundated with the sickly sweet smell of flowers. Many family and friends with smiles on their faces standing patiently by my bed. And I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my gut as I tried to prop myself up.
“How long have I been out?”
“About a month. We were a little afraid you might not come through. But don’t worry. Everything’s in control at the White House. You VP has handled things… umm…. adequately.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, other than bitchslapping your press secretary, commandeering a network microphone and urinating on Aaron Brown before shouting, “I own you now!” everything seems to be OK.
I laid back in bed and started calculating the payout on executive pension before drifting off. The last thought in my head before going out like a light was that the country was in good hands. After all, it could be worse. I could still be running it.
September 27, 2004
Shaun of the Dead
BEST ... MOVIE ... EVER!!!
That was easy
Conan to Fill Carson's Shoes (Actually, Leno's)
Not a total shock, but still impressive to read ...
Conan to Take Over 'Tonight' in Five Years
My, how our little Conan has grown up. I cannot wait for the day he takes over.
Pain & Suffering
Mississippi State QB Out for Three Weeks
Mississippi State quarterback Omarr Conner will miss at least three weeks after spraining a ligament in his right knee in a 51-0 loss to LSU on Saturday.
Yeah, but how long before his dignity recovers?
September 24, 2004
Sometimes, I Even Amaze Myself
I neglected to whip up some poignant recap of the season that was for Big Brother 5 ... its the world's loss that I've overlooked this. But in reviewing my earlier thoughts here, I can't help but notice that since it came down to Drew & Cowboy in the final two, that I was spot-on in my analysis.
In the end, Drew won out ... the college pretty boy who suffered for not offending too strongly while still rubbing some the wrong way from his Head of Household decisions. Cowboy was competitive throughout, but didn't win many competitions till the one that decided the final three (he booted his sister). Surprising that sis would come back to vote for Cowboy while Drew would get the vote of his bedmate/psycho-chick after sending her packing from the final three. Had to be a tough vote for most, but since it came down to a 4-3 vote for the winner, that's about what I suspected.
Me-Sci-Ah
Uber asks ... I answer within a reasonable range of acceptability.
By combining video, music, found text, costumes, pageantry, and the power of the human spirit, Me-sci-ah (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Tom Cruise) is a production that can and will change lives, if only you let it. Celebrity, religion, and truth are exposed and examined on a grand scale, merging into a cacophony of personal freedom and energy that you can take with you long after you leave the theater.
Damned if that's not the easiest sales job in the world.
I'm too sexy for tin cans!
The meme must survive! (courtesy James Taranto):
Goat fanciers turned out in force to admire and bid for beautiful goats showing off on the catwalk at a weekend festival and auction of Al-Shami goats in Riyadh. . . .
Thirty goats were selected according to age and gender. Abdul Aziz Al-Khalaf, one of the five judges for the "Most Beautiful Goat" competition, explained that the winners are chosen on the basis of a combination of factors and overall appearance, not simply by their color. Particular points taken into consideration are the head, nose, mouth, ears, breast and eyes. The most important factor is the size of the head and the whiteness of the eye.
September 23, 2004
Ahhh, I Love Legitimate Theater
What does it take to get this to play in Houston? Troy McClure would say "It's the part I was born to play!"
September 22, 2004
Russ Meyer, RIP
Damn ... if these things happen in threes, who's next?
Hollywood's 'King Leer', Russ Meyer, dies
Director Russ Meyer, whose soft core porn films, ?The Immoral Mr Teas,? ?Vixen? and ?Beyond the Valley of the Dolls? earned him millions of dollars and the title of Hollywood?s ?King Leer,? has died at age 82, his film company said Wednesday.advertisement
Meyer died Saturday of pneumonia at his home in the Hollywood Hills, his company, RM Films International Inc., said.The son of an Oakland, Calif., policeman and a nurse, Meyer parlayed a talent as a cameraman and an obsession with the female bosom into a legendary film career.
Cybill Gets Fugly
Hey, remember when Cybill Shepherd was hot?
Well ... not anymore.
September 21, 2004
From The "Who Cares Where They Are Now" File
Now, the story itself is rather sad. But who was counting on 2000 people to show up for Sha-Na-Na at $20 a head? One person, apparently. Favorite quote: "I feel stupid and mad. Sha Na Na was at Woodstock for Pete's sake, why wasn't anyone interested?"
Lauren Bacall is a Bitch
Bacall Balks After Kidman Called 'Legend'
How old is a movie legend? Definitely older than 37-year-old Nicole Kidman, according to screen veteran Lauren Bacall (news).Bacall became irritated during an interview with Britain's GMTV Wednesday when the younger actress was described as "a legend."
"She's not a legend," Bacall said, cutting off interviewer Jenni Falconer in mid-sentence.
"She's a beginner. What is this 'legend'? She can't be a legend at whatever age she is. She can't be a legend, you have to be older."
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr .......
UPDATE: I'm just informed via email that I am the proud winner of a Dogville DVD via Landmark Theaters from a contest I thought was concluded long ago ......... karma anyone???
September 18, 2004
Review: THIS MAGNIFICENT DISTANCE
OK, to fill in any who missed the earlier mention, the front man for the once and former Black Crowes, Chris Robinson, has spent the past two years doing two solo albums and marrying Kate Hudson. The first album was called "New Earth Mud" (2002) and the second was the one that's the subject of this review, done by Robinson and his band, which now sports the same name as the first album, as in "THE New Earth Mud".
This 2004 album, from what I can tell from all the audio snippets on Amazon, is in the mold of the first, and that mold is an authentic-enough return to early-70's vintage rock sounds that I can temporarily ignore certain problems that crop up. Those problems would be weak lyrics, but as long as you're doing something in the next room and the album's cranking along in the background, you'll have a nice groove that's devoid of rap poseur brags, dated-as-soon-as-recorded synth noises, Britney professional pouts and other similar recent mung. What's there is acoustic or tube-amp realism and an occasional nod to the gospel component of rock due to the insertion of the Leslie-loaded Hammond organ backing (think Big Brother's chords behind Janis on "Bobby McGee"). There's a bit of the heavy rock and more than a few "peace and love" numbers that land somewhere between Seals and Crofts and a Renaissance Fair.
Is this a good thing? Yes, not because of the lyrics too bland to mention, but because of this album's preservation of the meter, tempo, arrangement, instrumentation and other such characteristics of a point in rock's evolution that deserves to be remembered. By way of comparison, note that we revere another type, classical music, since it has such a broad range of expression, able to call up mental images of everything from a twittering bird in a morning field to a pain-seared plain of warfare; consider that early 1970's rock and roll comparatively has many times the expressive range of the several species of pop music today. This last consists of only a few choices: postdisco pop-tart funk, bland rock/country, an angry type of rap that seems to get some people (perhaps deservedly) shot, and a smidgin of classical smuggled into film soundtracks. Popular music in about 1970 existed during an era when the music market offered more variety, in no small part due to the fact that "middle of the road" radio stations existed. Those stations provided a crossroads where everything from Burl Ives to Bob Dylan amazingly coexisted and crosspollenated musician and listener alike.
Oh, for the days...
Conclusion: THIS MAGNIFICENT DISTANCE, while not approaching the lyrical punch of "Taxi" by Harry Chapin or "Free Man In Paris" by Joni Mitchell, to say nothing of "Wish You Were Here" or The Pretenders' "Hymn To Her", does approach the musical arrangement palatte of a more civilized age.
Steel Breeze: Unearthed & Procured
In case I forget again, Steel Breeze is the name of a band that I've been trying to locate for about 20 years now ... I fell in love with the New Wave hit "You Don't Want Me Anymore" after seeing them on TV back in the day. I could have sworn the title was "You Don't Love Me Anymore" and the spelling was more traditional. I've also managed to forget where I caught them on TV ... thought it was the ABC late night show Friday's, but apparently not. My quest is now at an end and one CD of New Wave heaven is on its way to my address. All's well that ends well ... now excuse me while I go wet myself.
ANOTHER Problem with the front-running candidate!
Just when we thought we could count on him.
September 17, 2004
Now THIS, I've Got To See ...
Back on my Bollywood kick ...
Yashraj Films is back in form with yet another exciting film after the hit flick "Hum Tum". This time it is treating audiences to "Dhoom", a fast paced, in-your-face youthful film.The film is directed by Sanjay Gadhvi who had earlier directed "Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai" for the same banner. "Dhoom" starts with a bang, and continues with a lot more right till the end.
The tale begins in Mumbai where a sophisticated gang of robbers is sweeping through the city, giving nightmares to the police department. Their modus operandi is modelled on a twister. They come like the wind, sweep the place and disappear even before the word 'thief' can be uttered.
The high point of these thefts is always the getaway of the robbers on their hi-tech bikes - the slickest, meanest and the fastest riding machines on the road.
Jai Dixit (Abhishek Bachchan), an honest police officer, is brought in to crack the case. Soon he is on the trail of the robbers - a gang headed by Kabir (John Abraham) - an evil perfectionist with an attitude.
Kabir and his gang transform into inconspicuous pizza delivery boys after their unholy missions are accomplished. So brilliant is their metamorphosis that no one suspects them of being the same wicked robbers who don helmets and commit daring robberies in blissful anonymity.
Initially daunted by the speed and mannerisms of the gang, Jai ropes in the services of Ali (Uday Chopra), a happy-go-lucky garage mechanic and a
prodigious bike rider.Ali is very different from Jai - while the latter is serious, Ali is flippant and casual. The two don't get along and Jai hates him at first, but soon realises that he can ride bikes like the wind and can help bring the robbers to justice.
Ali, the reluctant recruit, and Jai set up an ambush. But Kabir soon catches up on the Jai-Ali team. And so starts the hunt, where sometimes the hunter becomes the hunted. Jai and Ali find their various attempts thwarted, as the gang keeps slipping from their grasp.
"Dhoom" reinvents the classic cops and robbers tale and brings it into the 21st century. With fast bikes, big action, non-stop fun and a thrilling story that leaves you out of breath, "Dhoom" is a powerhouse of adventure and excitement waiting to explode.
Besides the look and the styling of actors by designer Anaita Shroff, the film is packed with some racy music by Pritam. The background score is given by Salim-Sulaiman who also gave the score for horror flick "Bhoot".
Also, check out those amazing sporty bikes in the film.
This appeals to me less for a need for adventure and action, but more to satisfy my curiosity of how every freakin' Bollywood flick can have a wedding and multiple musical numbers. If that's the case with this flick, I'll be the one busting out laughing the second they break out with a song.
September 16, 2004
fictionpress.com parody
In a mood not generally improved by the loss of another Ramone, I hereby offer this return fire, hopefully blunting the effect of any future visit to fictionpress.com in which you may engage. This site is chiefly populated by literary efforts of high schoolers either under the gun of a deadline or a healthy crank habit.
---
The frost-windowed door of Bud McScreed's Detective Agency was slightly ajar, allowing the hall to smell of pizza and gin. Zelda Plantagenet, the building concierge/manager, peeked into the doorway for a look just as McScreed fumbled for the doorknob, about to check for the paper.
Both screamed as the door swung aside.
"You could keep the door shut for your own unlikely safety", Plantagenet mumbled.
"And you could wear your Dior original next time", McScreed painfully retorted, closing the door and trying to put her housecoat out of his mind. He resolved to return to the experiment in hangover remedies currently underway, involving egg whites, tomato juice, pepper and a mystery ingredient to be named later.
The phone rang.
"Hello?"
"You slept in your office again."
"Brilliant deduction, Watson; your powers of observation astound me", he moaned to Jenny Black, his lawyer. "Anything on the Feeney octuple-murder case?
"Make it nine, whatever the word for that is. Meet me at the intake morgue in the Police annex. This one was on the membership roster of one of your swinger clubs."
(to be continued)
Johnny Ramone, RIP
Truly a sad, sad day.
Johnny Ramone of 'The Ramones' Dies at 55
Johnny Ramone, guitarist and co-founder of the seminal punk band "The Ramones" that influenced a generation of rockers, has died. He was 55.Ramone, who had been fighting a five-year battle with prostate cancer, died in his sleep Wednesday afternoon at his Los Angeles home surrounded by friends and family, said the band's longtime artistic director Arturo Vega.
"He was the guy with a strategy. He was the guy who not only looked after the band's interest but he also was their defender," Vega said in a telephone interview from New York.
Ramone, whose birth name is John Cummings, had been hospitalized in June at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.
Johnny Ramone was one of the original members of the struggling Ramones, whose hit songs "I wanna be sedated" and "Blitzkrieg Bop," among others, earned them an induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2002.
Johnny Ramone co-founded "The Ramones" in 1974 in New York along with singer Joey Ramone, bassist DeeDee Ramone and drummer Tommy Ramone, who is the only surviving member of the original band. All four band members had different last names, but took the common name Ramone.
Joey Ramone, whose real name is Jeff Hyman, died in 2001 of lymphatic cancer. Dee Dee Ramone, whose real name is Douglas Colvin, died from a drug overdose in 2002.
Clad in leather jackets and long black mops of hair, the group started out in legendary New York clubs like CBGB and Max's Kansas City, where they blasted their rapid-fire songs.
Since its debut album in 1976, the band struggled for commercial success, but they left a formidable imprint on the rock genre. Though they never had a Top 40 song, the Ramones influenced scores of followers, including bands such as Green Day and Nirvana.
Even Bruce Springsteen (news) was moved. After seeing the Ramones in Asbury Park, N.J., Springsteen wrote "Hungry Heart" for the band. His manager, however, swayed him to keep the song for himself and it became a hit single.
The band had encounters with other big names, including producer Phil Spector, who collaborated with the band in 1980. During the session, the late bassist Dee Dee Ramone said Spector pulled a gun on the band.
"The Ramones had it rough," said Vega, who's worked with the band for 30 years. "The band almost had to be protected from people who were taking advantage of them. There was never any money made."
Johnny Ramone changed that by demanding more money for performances, but still kept a close watch on the band's budget; Vega recalled how Johnny Ramone would insist that the band drive nonstop between Boston and New York for shows instead of spending the night in a hotel.
In addition to his financial conservatism, the guitarist was politically conservative ? the late Ronald Reagan (news - web sites) was Ramone's favorite president, Vega said.
Fans have remained loyal to the Ramones, and the Ramones over the years have been loyal to their fans. In 1979, while shooting scenes for the film "Rock 'n' Roll High School," the Ramones ? ignoring the director's order ? played a concert-length session for fans who had paid to be extras, Vega said.
"The Ramones never ever lost their image, their aura of being the ultimate underdog, the voice of the angry young man," Vega said.
A tribute concert and cancer research fund-raiser was held Sunday in Los Angeles to celebrate the band's 30th anniversary. It featured performances from Los Angeles punk band X, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Henry Rollins (news) and others.
Along with his wife, Linda Cummings, Johnny Ramone was surrounded at his death by friends, including Pearl Jam rocker Eddie Vedder (news), singer Rob Zombie and others. Other friends who gathered at his Los Angeles home included Lisa Marie Presley (news), Pete Yorn (news), Vincent Gallo (news) and Talia Shire.
He is survived by his wife and his mother, Estelle Cummings. He will be cremated during a private ceremony.
September 14, 2004
So there's this band (updated)
of which I just became aware, called the NEW EARTH MUD. Apparently a few members of the former Black Crowes (fill in details I don't know if it seems appropriate). Caught them on a Letterman rerun from summer and noticed the sound from the other room first. Interested, I observed the lead playing an SG of similar outfitting to the fabled one played by Frank Vincent Zappa.
The appearance of the band was, let's say, Richard Brautigan Chic (referring to the hippie author of the novel Trout Fishing In America). A look at their website's songlist indicated a mix of originals and the odd Jimmie Rodgers number, along with at least 3 Dylan selections.
What gives? Legit search for roots or just a tired Johnson-administration rerun? The sound struck me as refreshingly assertive compared to contemporary depression-pop (kinda like Blue Oyster Cult when sober and straight), but is there a lack of (unique) message here, as I fear? Discuss.
UPDATE:
It appears that band leader Chris Robinson intends to re-form with others under the "Black Crowes" name and has cancelled tour dates with his current band, "The New Earth Mud". That means that only two albums will have been produced by this group, the Robinson solo album of 2002 called "New Earth Mud" and the recent one called "This Magnificent Distance".
September 13, 2004
Belated Concert Review: Phil Collins
As part of Uber's 27th annual birthday bash, Sunday the 5th played host to a fantastic concert presented by Mr. Phil Collins. The former Genesis drummer and frontman was swinging through Texas on his "First Final Farewell Tour", a cheeky name obviously poking fun at performers such as Cher, who came through Houston three times on her farewell tour. This jab was even denoted by the tickets proclaiming a "Final? Night with Phil Collins". Well, yours truly had a prime seat approximately 5 rows up on stage left with a great view of all the action, and was psyched and jazzed for this night since buying the ticket back around April.
The first thing to note about this concert was the abundant, very able band which accompanied Collins. Along with Phil, there were 2 other percussionists, a keyboardist, lead & rhythm guitar, bass, 2 trumpets, a sax, a trombone and 6 (yes SIX) background singers. I was wondering if Phil's voice would be what it was back in the 80s, and it turns out that old age really hasn't dulled his piercing vocals much. Sure, he doesn't hit the high notes quite like he used to, but he worked around this with some slightly different arrangements. Not nearly as rusty were Collins's drum skills, as right off the bat he showed why he was the drummer for Genesis first. A 5-minute drum piece with the other percussionists opened the concert, really energizing the crowd before leading into one of his jazzier numbers, "Something Happened On The Way To Heaven". From there, we were off and running.
The concert, which eventually ran 2 hours 20 minutes, showcased most of Phil's solo works. There were a couple of his solo numbers he didn't perform which I had hoped for, including the brilliant "I Wish It Would Rain Down". But perhaps most surprising is the fact that he performed only one Genesis tune. You'd think he would want to showcase more of the Collins-fronted era Genesis tunes, including tunes such as "Land of Confusion", "Tonight Tonight Tonight' or "Invisible Touch". However, the only morsel the capacity audience got was the fantastic "Misunderstanding", complete with the original video playing overhead. The pyrotechnics were kept at a minimum at this show, with the main feature being a giant light wall behind the band's two-level riser.
If you enjoyed Phil Collins's solo work, then this was definately the concert to be at. From his ballads to the jazzier tunes, from Sussudio to Tarzan, there was a little something for everyone. Sure, Collins said in concert that this would be his last tour, but I'll believe that when I see it. So long as he's able to pack a venue like the Toyota Center, I don't see him going away just yet. Top that off with the fact that he'll probably still be churning out studio albums and doing work for Disney, and I don't think we've heard the last of Phil Collins. Now if only Genesis would get together for a reunion tour...
September 10, 2004
Vegas!
Well folks, last night I arrived back home from a nice 2-day spin through the City of Sin: Las Vegas. As part of my vacation, I decided to actually get out of the city for a short trip, and having never been to Vegas I decided that was the place for me. If you haven't been before, you should definately go. Just in case folks are interested, this is what went down. Included are several tips which hopefully will make your trip a little smoother.
First of all, there are a couple of places to stay in Vegas. The older part is downtown, which runs from Main St to the Strip along Fremont Street. Fremont Street is closed down to all automobile traffic, and has the giant light canopy stretching over the street. I didn't make it down there this time, but plan on it for the next trip. The other area is the Vegas Strip. The Strip, also known as Las Vegas Blvd, is where all the massive hotel & casino resorts that you see in the movies are located. We're talking everything from the Mandalay Bay & the Luxor (the giant pyramid) to the Stardust (home of Wayne Newton) and the Stratosphere (the giant tower), and everything in between. For my hotel choice, I decided to stay in the Hotel San Remo on the south side of the strip, in a smaller hotel right behind the Tropicana. This is a smaller hotel & casino, but is closer to the MGM Grand than the Grand's own parking lot. The nearby casinos included the New York New York, the MGM Grand, the Tropicana and the Excalibur. It was less expensive than any of those larger places, but the location was great. The hotel was about the same quality as a Holiday Inn, with a king-sized bed, standard shower/bath, a small loveseat and a great view overlooking the NYNY. This place was also home to an all-day steak & eggs special ($5.95) that was well worth the cost.
Once you get to Vegas, you will be overwhelmed by the sounds of slot machines. They're throughout the airport, in laundromats, in 7-11, everywhere! But you want to resist the urge to put money into one of these machines at the airport, as the payback percentages are reported to be in the low 70s (a good machine pays back at least 92%). Once you retrieve your baggage, there are a few ways to get to the hotel. If you have the need to show some flash, limo rental is fairly inexpensive. Taxis are lined up along the airport, but if you get in one make sure to tell them not to take the tunnel (it'll add up about $5 extra on your fair). If you're flying solo, as I was in this situation, the shuttle might be your best bet. It's about $5 each way to the hotel of your choice (more for downtown & off-strip hotels like the Hard Rock), and if you're worried about losing your shirt during this trip you can prepay the return trip.
I hit the San Remo at about 11:00, a full 5 hours before the posted check-in time. However, the folks there were very nice, and put me up in my room early with no charge. After freshening up a bit, I hit the Strip. One thing there is to know about all these hotels is that they each have a player's club, which they use to monitor your play and gauge what comps you get. Most of them also have freebies for the taking when you sign up, so look into that. I hit the free pull slot machine in front of the Tropicana (won a free deck of cards), and started heading north. My journey took me through the MGM Grand, across to NYNY (where I had a tasty lunch at the Irish Bar), up the strip all the way to Harrah's. At Harrah's, I signed up for the player's club, which netted me free tickets to see Mac King. A hilarious magician/comedian, King made for the first of three shows I caught. I headed back down towards the MGM Grand, into the Showcase mall in front. There is a store in the front of the mall, behind the giant Coke bottle, which sells show tickets for that days' shows at half-price. It was here I picked up a ticket to the Second City Improv troupe, located in the Flamingo. On the way back to the hotel, I hit the craps tables. I was feeling it there during this trip. If you don't know how to play, may I suggest learning. If you're playing with odds bets and some of the other bets, this game has some of the best odds of winning money. Which I did.
After changing for the show that night, I headed down to the Stage Deli at the Caesars Palace Forum Shops. This was a NY style deli which was recommended to me by a friend from work. The New Yorker pastrami & corned beef sandwich was outstanding, served alongside a bucket of very garlicky kosher dill pickels. After a small mishap with the cash register, I was across the street to see the Second City troupe. This group bears no resemblance to the folks from Canada, and are just Second City in name only. I'm glad I got the ticket for half-price. The night was young, and after a margarita-by-the-yard (which is available to drink on the freakin sidewalk!), I was heading back towards the Monte Carlo. I caught the folks coming out of Lance Burton's show, and asked them how it was. A couple told me that he was better than Copperfield, who was across the street in the Grand for another night. I remembered tickets for Lance Burton costing about $50 at the half-price place, so I was determined to win some of that money. I hit the poker room, where I won about $20 in Texas Hold'em. A disappointing trip into the Excalibur/Luxor/Mandalay Bay complex led me back to the Tropicana, which was consistantly good to me. There, I taught two young teachers from Oregon the proper way to play craps, and we all made about $100 apiece before the table went cold and we walked. They were both grateful for the lesson, and we all hit the strip for a bit more sightseeing. We went our separate ways, where I headed back to my hotel for a couple hours sleep.
The next day was going to be very eventful. I started by heading off to an early-morning trip to the Liberace museum. This place was freaking bright, with everything very sparkly & shiny. I decided to go there after finding a coupon for free admission and free shuttle online, and was glad to have a chance to see something that garish. After the trip back, it was off to the discount ticket place again. I lucked up and got the Lance Burton ticket, as well as a little bit of Christmas shopping for my brother-in-law in M&M World (which is right next door). Back up the strip I headed, as I took the trolly all the way to the Las Vegas Hilton. There I signed up for the slot club, where I asked the promo guy about tickets for the Star Trek Experience (normally $36). The guy sighed and said that yes, he had free tickets for new members. Ha, research on the Internet paid off! Inside Quark's Bar I was able to experience a Warp Core Breach (4 kinds of rum, Razzamatazz, sobe power drink & dry ice in a fishbowl). Things kind of blurred for a bit, as I headed back down to the Bellagio. Since I had made more money than I thought I would, I decided to upgrade lunch by hitting Todd English's "Olives". There I tried something I never thought I'd have: Beef Carpaccio. Basically it's a raw, really high quality beef served with a balsamic vinegar glaze and other assorted bits. Very tasty. The duck was also delicious, as it was served with a foie gras couscous. This was not a cheap lunch, but I was on vacation and determined to live it up.
After the Bellagio (which was very high class), I headed across the street to the Aladdin. There, I entered their club, as well as the slot tourney. Now, I'm not a big fan of slot tourneys, but I look at what was available for the $20 entry fee. I got a $10 meal credit towards the buffet (which I had planned on having for dinner), 2 t-shirts, a hat, a mug and $10 in free slot play. After not winning in the tourney, I took the $10 in free slot play, lucked up and turned it into $20, cashed out and left $5 ahead after you count the meal credit. Good deal. I hit a few more of the sights, just looking at the various and sundry free things that there are to look at in Vegas. I also hit my hotel for a little refresher nap and shower. Back out to the Aladdin I went, as I hit what has been rated by many as the best buffet on the Strip. Let me tell you, the reviews were spot-on. This buffet featured Mediterranian food, Italian, Asian, a very unique salad bar, American standards and a dessert bar not to be missed. While eating, a lovely young lady caught my eye from across the way. I invited her over to eat, as we were both eating alone. Her name was Kristin, and we talked a bit, and had a very pleasant dinner. Turns out she was in the health insurance industry from Missouri. It was just nice.
From there, we went our separate ways, as it was showtime for me back at the Monte Carlo, and she was heading up to see the free show at Treasure Island. Lance Burton was everything people said and more. This was a great show. Absolutely fantastic. After the show, and a brief confrontation with a 'whale' at the Monte Carlo craps tables where I cheered up a host who was being abused, I headed back up to the Treasure Island on the chance of meeting Kristin up there. Well luck was my lady that night, as I caught her coming away from the show. It turns out they cancelled two shows in a row due to high winds, and she just caught what turned out to be the only show of the night. Happy to have a sightseeing partner, we headed up to the Mirage, where we waited for the volcano eruption. Down to the Bellagio, where the fountain & music show was a spectacle to see. The water, at times, shot so high as to obscure the facade of the hotel. Very nice, and classy as well. Across the street, we joined the crowds for a bit of people watching, as it was opening night for "We Will Rock You", the musical based on the music of Queen. The Paris hotel & casino was abuzz with the the people and the press. Unfortunately, I didn't get a glimpse of Robert DeNiro, who was there as one of the producers of the show, but did get to see Brian May. Very cool. Kristin and I turned downstrip to the NYNY and the dueling piano bar. This place was jumping, as two pianists were entertaining more than their fair share of the crowd. Sadly, it was getting late for Kristin, and she decided to head back to her hotel. But it was great having a traveling companion, if only for a few hours.
Remembering my success the previous night at the Tropicana, I went back over to the craps tables there. There, I turned $40 into $100, and had a few laughs while doing it. The boxman, Phil, was very old-Vegas, as he would tell us all stories about working in the old casinos. I made sure to take care of those guys with tips, as dealers don't make much money on their own. One great way to tip that I found out about is by betting "for the boys". Every now and again I'd play the pass line or bet the hardways for the boys. If it wins, they got the original bet & the winnings. If not, they were still grateful for the opportunity. Plus I'd chuck a few bucks after I'm done as a flat tip to end the night. Taking care of people is the way to get noticed (ie: more frequent free drinks, tickets to a show for the next day, which I wound up giving to a couple at the table as the show was at a time which would have made me miss my flight home). Very good stuff.
That night I slept like a baby, and woke up with a pain in my foot. Looking down there, I saw a quarter-sized blister between my big toe and 2nd toe. Well, everyone has their own price to pay in Vegas. I hit the $6 breakfast deal at the San Remo, and was off to the airport. The flight was delayed about an hour and a half because of rain. I wondered since when did it rain in the desert? Anyway, after a pleasant flight, I arrived back home. I counted the money in my pocket, and came back with about $250. I went with $450, so all that entertainment was $200 after the cost of the flight & hotel. A great deal.
I'm tired, somewhat dragging, but refreshed. It was a great time, and I look forward to going back to sample what downtown has to offer me. I highly recommend it for single and married people without children, but I really don't think it's a place to take a kid. It truly is Sin City, but isn't that what confessional for?
September 09, 2004
Form the search committee.
This unknown classic must be unearthed.
Here's the trailer.
