This is probably not a good strategy for explaining what happened.
And now for you culture fans, my contribution to your aesthetic well-being:
From another post on another board, yes - but it's SO brilliant and apropos...
(song based on the TRUE story of sex offender Michael Kenyon's
exploits in 1975 Bloomington, Illinois before caught; this armed
robber, whenever robbing people on a local college campus, would
insist upon giving female victims an enema before letting them go.
Nice guy - and thoughtful, too...?)
(narrated intro by Don Pardo of "Uncle Don" and early Saturday Night Live)
Lyrics:
The Illinois Enema Bandit!
I heard he's on the loose
Lord, the pitiful screams
Of all them college-educated women . . .
Boy, he'd just be tyin' 'em up
(They'd be all bound down!)
Just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
(repeat)
The Illinois Enema Bandit ! heard it on the news !
I heard it on the news
Bloomington Illinois ... he has caused some alarm
Just sneakin' around there
From farm to farm
Got a rubberized bag
And a hose on his arm
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
(repeat)
The Illinois Enema Bandit
Some day he'll have to pay
Some day he'll have to pay
The police will say, "You're under arrest!"
And the judge would have him for a special guest
The D.A. will order a secret test
And stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest
Then they'll put out a call for the jury folks
And the judge would say, "No poo-poo jokesl"
Then they'll drag in the bandit for all to see,
Saying "on't nobody have no sympathy . . .
HOT SOAPY WATER in the FIRST DEGREE!"
And the Bandit might say, "Why is everbody always pickin' on me?"
WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
One girl shouts: "Let the Bandit be!"
BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY?
TELL ME, WHAT'S YOUR PLEA?
Another girl shouts; "Let fhe friend go free!"
ARE YOU GUILTY?
BANDIT, DID YOU DO THESE DEEDS?
"The Bandit say, "It must be just what they all needs . . ''
etc. repeat
(Ray White, backup vocals): He'd just be
pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the BAG fulla...
He'd just be
pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the BAG fulla...
(repeat)
- Illinois Enema Bandit
Frank Zappa
Zappa In New York (DiscReet Records 1976)
DISCLAIMER:
It's my personal opinion that judge Ted Poe, if allowed to rule on this one, would have turned him over to Ciara and her strap-on. I would have petitioned the court to be documentarian cameraman.
You thought it was impressive when they did away with those two-theater houses of years past and built monuments to Hollywood in places such as Clear Lake ... or West Houston. Then you did backflips when they took out every other row and inserted a makeshift dinner table, running such fare as Sinful Dwarf to lure you indoors. What more could possibly be done to a movie house? How about turning it into a theaterplex!!!
I'd say this trend is welcome, but the offerings at this New York location don't seem too promising. $60 to see Mandy Patinkin performing the Hokey Pokey in Yiddish? An underwater puppet show featuring specially priced seats backstage? I'm fairly confident that both of those are not far removed from just paying $75 to see a cockfight instead. Still, the concept should be allowed to evolve ... preferably for the better.
... with this take. Where's the love for our brick/sand/black boys?
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You'll be a free man when the judge and jury are forced to agree that the goat had indeed dressed in a provocative manner.
Father of Deconstructionism Dies, If 'Death' Means Anything
(2004-10-10) -- French President Jacques Chirac announced today that Jacques Derrida, the father of the intellectual movement called deconstructionism, died yesterday of pancreatic cancer, "if indeed 'death' can be said to mean anything beyond the biases of culture, language, religion and philosophy."
THIS is a bipartisan instance of extreme ninny-ism. And worse.
Somebody once said that when a problem is assaulted by the appointment of a _______ "Czar", then we've lost the fight with said problem.
Wigged Gigs - regaling us with Houston's weirdest concert experiences
As one of Houston's top DJs for the last couple of decades, Sean Carnahan has also been privy to plenty of weird scenes. "I think one place that would get top marks would be most nights when I was spinning at Some," he remembers. "One particular night on Halloween, the entrance to the club had a petting zoo of completely wack animals: two-headed creatures, peculiarly developed sheep and goats and many other oddities you could pet as you entered the club. Inside there was this man in a full suit and tie, which really stood out, as he looked out of place. He then proceeded to stand in the middle of the room and undress into pink pig-print pajamas, put on a Nixon mask and then started dancing around like a madman while giving the victory/peace sign to everyone in the room. Later he ended up dancing with someone dressed like Malcolm X who was being constantly leather strap-whipped by a girl in an I Dream of Jeannie outfit on a leash connected to her chest piercing."
Ralphieboy, I demand to know your whereabouts on this evening in question ....
I've run into a few interesting personages in my time. Do YOU recognize any of these?
GIRL 24
Physically perfect. Athletic. Not overly materialistic but you need to be loaded to keep up with this one, simply because she's in such demand that there's a lot of competition for her attention. If you're in her league you're doing stuff and going places nonstop. To pursue her, start drinking coffee, as well as learning a few new sports without sustaining too many injuries.
GIRL 10
Slamming body - not that you'd know it. Problem is, she's the worst dresser on the planet. See that pile of dirty clothes in the corner over there? Turn off the light and get dressed from that pile in the dark. Then turn on the light and look in the mirror. You're Cary Grant compared to this girl's idea of what goes together. Physically embarrassing to be with her. On top of that, she's a major tease but goes through boyfriends about one every 30 days to three weeks. Suspected to be still virgin.
GIRL 13
Body by Las Vegas. Can make trashy sequin or gold lame stuff look good. She's a little out of shape but not much. Gives you sexy remarks that she probably gives everybody else. Serious neuroses and psychoses. Mean streak well hidden. Watch out for this one; some dark and stormy night she could wind up on your doorstep in a raincoat with some skin-tight Halloween costume on underneath. This will seem like a good deal at the time, but will shortly DESTROY YOUR LIFE.
GIRL 22
Full lips. Great butt. Great legs. Fit and healthy. Good dancer. Knows music. Funny. Hot. Female impersonator.
As I was watching David Carr in an interview after the game, and having watched him play and interact with teammates today and for the last month, something struck me. There are lots of athletes who I think are totally hot, and David Carr is certainly one of them. But, I assume that they are, mostly, straight. But, there’s just something that seems to me – well – gay about David Carr. He’s got the perfect haircut, seems glued to his wife (won’t take his wedding ring off even though it’s NOT SMART), and just kinda seems odd in his interactions with his teammates – like he’s uncomfortable around them. Of course, this is just from some random observations from over the television – but, if you saw the outfit, and the sunglasses, he showed up in at the NFL Draft, you might have a question about it too.
Not that there's anything wrong with that...
After safely stalking my way through a local convenience store in order to be in line behind the one really hot chick in the place, I stand at the end of a long line with my soda, breakfast burrito and after-breakfast snack treat, I divert my attention to other sundry goods so as to not be too obvious about my main interest (ok, second if I factor in the burrito).
There, on the wall of the place - I kid you not - was a t-shirt for sale. Kid size small, with a cartoon pic of a sweet little girl on a swing set with the words "Every time I need a lift, God gives me a little push." RIGHT NEXT TO THAT ... a pack of Performax condoms.
I turned around to see if the redhead hottie in front of me would notice (or care) if I picked up one or the other. Long story short ... it was not my day. Dammit ... I need a lift.
"Thrillhouse! Get the damn ice cream truck out of the circle drive!"
President Ulysses Zweibel was not pleased at the rather unseemly sight of White House employees milling about a white concessions vehicle parked right off Pennsylvania Avenue on state property. Then again, it appeared to be rather unusual for an ice cream wagon...
"It's Klugeburger; the truck and the guy in the white outfit are cover", said Agent Thrillhouse, sauntering in with a Dreamsickle. "The gear's in the back."
"I thought he moved into an old parking garage in Baltimore - exept that the one I'm thinking of was blown up in a Gene Hackman movie."
"He bought all the abandoned garages in Baltimore and shuttles between them. Rents out a few to John Waters shoots occasionally."
The red old-style Western Electric desk phone rang in the dark recesses of the control chamber of the ice cream truck.
"Mobile Sixteen, Director. How can I help you today?"
"This is the boss, fucko. Why isn't that thing at least playing 'Turkey In The Straw'?"
"We were doing something similar 'till recently; this guy in ground radar systems whipped up a plinky midi version of Green Shirt by Elvis Costello. But we got tired of that and I just grabbed some cassettes out of the car."
In the background, the last verse of an uptempo funk piece by Simply Red faded into the distortion of the Patti Smith Group's cover of So You Want To Be A Rock And Roll Star.
"Are you even NEAR ready for Senate testimony on this submarine fleet I just found out about?!"
"No sweat. The idea's based on old Russian refurbishings we can do cheap. We'll sell 'em on savings. Imagine that - four Typhoons for use either as Radio Free North Korea or, let's just say 'undisclosed locations' ".