November 30, 2004
Comments, Be Gone!
Apparently, CCB received the mother of all spam attacks over the last few days. Now deleted, but in the process, some of the earlier, genuine recorded wit & wisdom may have been deleted by accident. Apologies for those who can no longer remember what brilliant witticisms they were making in reference to various goat posts, crappy movie reviews, and reviews of crappy Rocky performances. It's society's loss, really.
Enflabulational Expifluency
"Make me grow Braniac fingers - but with more hair.
Rub the hot front part of my head
with rigid unguents."
- Captain Beefheart
November 27, 2004
River Oaks Midnight Feature: Clockwork Orange
OK, so goats weren't involved. However, just about everything else was. Allie and her hottie friends were fighting off high school buddies and random pervoids from the street all night, and I was attempting to keep track of the action on the SCREEN as well...
I'd seen Clockwork before, but years ago and not on the big screen in awhile. It's not for the squeamish, but assuming you're into sensibilities-assault, it's maybe just the thing. Where else can you get behavior modification with side dishes of knifings, bludgeonings, groin kicks and drugged milk?
The print was old, but it didn't break too many times (just two, I think) and was a different, longer print than I remember from earlier viewings. And I now remember that the guy who played the father was the same guy who was the ghostly bartender in The Shining.
AND in the crowd after the show, an old acquaintance from my Church Of The SubGenius promotional days (don't ask), the artist formerly known as Jay Hova, snuck up behind us and freaked out all concerned. Allie is in the process of NEVER forgiving me for this. Oops.
So all who weren't there suck eggs. Me and Uber rule, as usual, having made it to the larger Starbuck's ON SCHEDULE. And with Allie and her two sidekicks, we stood in line in style. Nyah Nyah Nyah.
November 22, 2004
November 21, 2004
Do they have checkboxes for this sort of thing?
Woman wins over $400k for bad online dating match
Wha? This is a difficult one, folks. How much responsibility does a site which does international matchmaking hold in screening the candidates? And that leads to the questional of how much responsibility does a domestic service have? Too many lawsuits, people. It's not healthy...
November 20, 2004
Convocational Report
The showing of "CLUE" from 1985 at the River Oaks went well; Lynda and Jeff were seen in attendance. L's presence was apropos due to CLUE's high percentage of boobs jiggled per unit time. And this trip back to the '80s was nice for noting the appearances of Tim Curry, Martin Mull and others. Those not in attendance suck/blow as one sees fit.
November 19, 2004
Important matters
Goat methodology du jour...
Considering surgery? Consider avoiding this guy...
Convocational Report
The ineffable ALAMO (cinematic location of excellence) delivers yet again in our recent expedition to the showing of (and "Weird Wednesday" return): The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. Personally, I found it informative to discover what Tony Newley was doing in the early '80s. Not that I was BURNING to know, but it could win me a trivia contest in some future bar.
NOW to rush to imdb.com to look up what else the frizzhaired female lead's done.
UPDATE: Approved activity upcoming - River Oaks is playing CLUE at midnight tonight. Uber sightings may be possible. I'll be disguised as Raquel Welch.
November 17, 2004
AWESOME!!
Hardee's unveils new 'Monster'
Fast-food chain's new burger -- with 1,400 calories and 107 grams of fat -- will cost you $5.49.
Gentlemen, can you please direct me to the nearest location?
Review
This was quickly written up as a writing sample for a submission to a media outlet to remain nameless for the moment.
Review:
WORST MOVIE POSTERS OF ALL TIME: A Treasury Of Trash
by Gregory J. Edwards and Robin Cross
published 1984 by Sphere Books, Ltd.; London & Sydney
64 pgs.
Sure, WORST MOVIE POSTERS is organized in a manner of clever
categorization, with such chapter titles as "Where Ghouls Rush In", "Naughty
Naughty", "The Great Outdoors" and "Alien Bosoms And Blobs". But the
visual material (particularly the decent depiction on the back cover of
the younger curve-laden Zsa Zsa Gabor from "Queen Of Outer Space")
renders the chapter titles and all other copy almost moot. Such bait
entices immediate random page flips, as one careens through the lurid
promotional material. For sheer spectacle, standout examples would
include the two-page reproduction of a poster from "Godzilla: King Of
The Monsters", which unwisely depicts the bosomy blonde caucasian
refugees of Tokyo with faces suggesting nausea or incontinence rather
than fright. There's the expressionistic bombast of the poster from
1955's "Timberjack" (which the copy notes was directed by the same Joe
Kane who'd just previously directed 42 Roy Rogers films in a row). This
one stresses the loudly plaid presence of leading man Sterling Hayden.
In spite of Hayden being depicted while applying a rapist's grab to
Vera Ralston (for some reason dressed like Carmen Miranda fresh from Rio
while the view behind them incongruously displays middle-of-nowhere
Pacific northwest vistas), Hayden's expression is that of a confused man
who wonders why he agreed to do this turkey of a project. And then one
beholds the artistic snafus of the poster from the Jack Palance sword-and-sandal
epic (yes, that's what I said!) "Sword Of The Conqueror". The
cartoonish rendition of Palance in a Flintstones costume suffers from
the scale of the sword-bearing right arm, which appears to be a leg
growing out of his shoulder. Pile on top of THAT the experience of
seeing the full-page reproduction of the poster from "Girl On The Run",
which features six slightly overweight women in black lace underwear and
small black "robber" masks that conceal mainly the eyebrows. One
channels an alternate-universe Opie as he walks in on Aunt Bea and her
friends putting together costumes for community theater; this row of
women looks disturbingly like a bunch of your pals' moms.
WORST MOVIE POSTERS suffers a bit from organizational oversights, such
as the lack of an index. Also, chapter titling is small and crammed
into the corners of page layouts, rather than centered on a new page.
This makes it hard to distinguish where one chapter stops and another
starts. But these are minor issues, since the visual spectacle (the
whole point of the book) blasts from page to page unabated, in
impressive and apparently accurate color (as best I can recall from what
examples I've seen elsewhere). But the book's copy affords value as
well, and the poster reproductions in most cases allow one to read the
cast lists and other credits along the bottom edges. All this brings
out history probably unknown to the reader. Who woulda thought that
Hammer girl Martine Beswicke had done a softcore porn epic with Phil (Sgt.
Bilko) Silvers ("Hollywood Blue")? I was surprised to have learned
that top-flight actor Joseph Cotten had slummed in such fare as "Lady
Frankenstein". And what the hell was Robert Lansing doing in the 1959
Harold Robbins tale "The Pusher"? (Probably paying some bills...)
Although it's a little difficult to picture this book's market (who
would buy such a thing?), for the thrill-seeker with a strong stomach,
amazements abound. Remember Cloris Leachman/Nurse Diesel's bra in "High
Anxiety"? Well, there the damn thing is again on some bimbo in the
poster for Roger Corman's "Demons Of The Swamp". Thrill to the
discovery that Robert "Long John Silver" Newton headlined in the
sleazefest "Waterfront Women"! And I've got to hand it to the whole
crew that produced WORST MOVIE POSTERS for resurrecting the one from
that cultural cornerstone "The Groove Tube", a favorite of mine. The
ineptly rendered work features six scenes from various skits in the
movie and most female faces look like men, while the male faces'
coloration is appropriate to someone vomiting in a steam room. But the
kicker is in the bottom right corner, in the section from the skit in
which Ken Shapiro and Richard Belzer have to eat some pot to avoid
getting busted for posession. A word balloon above the two faces
thoughtfully explains the situation with the question "Why are they
eating grass?" But even the literal clue-in can't deflect the
inevitable conclusion of the viewer that something ELSE is going on: the
'grass' in the mouths of Shapiro and Belzer is rendered off-color and
too finely, not in dark-green leafy fashion but black and whiskery.
From a visual standpoint, one is led to conclude that the two comedians
are forcing themselves to eat handfuls of pubic hair.
Is this sort of thing up your alley? No? Then what are you doing
reading my column? WORST MOVIE POSTERS OF ALL TIME delivers on its
promise of yanking the reader past scene after scene of barely-describable
bungling in the attempt to promote films. Some mistakes are subtle,
being single poor choices amidst many other effective aspects of a work.
Other posters feature wall-to-wall flubs: oceans of wrong perspective,
clashing color and cockeyed angles. But whatever the work included in
this book, the poster will have that "Ed Wood" feel, that esthetic
texture that radiates a funloving sincerity that can emerge even in the
midst of ineptitude. Buy this one with confidence. Four stars.
November 16, 2004
Former Van Halen frontman trains with paramedics
Roth, 50, has been riding for several weeks with a New York ambulance crew in training to become a paramedic, The New York Post reported Tuesday.
"I have been on over 200 individual rides now,' said Roth. "Not once has anyone recognized me, which is perfect for me."
No one recognized him? What a shock...
November 15, 2004
The Week Ahead
Wednesday ... the great return of Garbage Pail Kids - The Movie ... only at Alamo! (Ralphie, check your email!!!!)
Friday ... The Donnas in concert!!! ... ironically enough, also the day the Ramones documentary opens at Angelika (I'll be taking it in Saturday night)
November 14, 2004
BAD TASTE EXTRAVAGANZA
Strong Stomach? Try this stuff - or NOT...
The most ridiculous portable music system ever designed!
The most odd historical-theme gift clock ever!
November 13, 2004
Ch-Changes
So in the last months the classical station I listen to went Latino. And now a well known local classic rock outfit just went Latino as well. For three seconds I wondered why. THEN, as I flipped to the other classic rock outfit, I hear the same Steely Dan single I got tired of years ago (why don't they just play other album material?!). And over at the computer, there's internet radio, and on the CD changer there's classic stuff I got at a used bookstore. And in the next place I'll get cable...
Better choices kill crummy program direction.
November 12, 2004
November 11, 2004
Do you think you're strange?
After this read, you'll view yourself as TOTALLY NORMAL.
Yes, there ARE people who say and do these things.
November 10, 2004
November 09, 2004
November 08, 2004
Sage Advice
Valuable lessons... think YOUR job is bad? Here's some that are worse.
November 05, 2004
November 03, 2004
GOSH BEDANGED ELECTION!?
I keep writing in J.R. "Bob" Dobbs and he keeps LOSING.