January 29, 2005
Is This In a Survival Manual Somewhere?
Damn, what is it with folks from the former Republic of Czechoslovakia and beer?
Yeah, you read that right. Apparently, this region of the world is a bunch of Ubers who make some bad decisions in beer taverns and snowy roads. But damned if they don't manage to adapt to the situation at hand!
January 27, 2005
Youth Gone Wild
Kids today ....
Elementary students try to hijack school bus
What a wonderful age we live in, eh? But don't worry, this isn't really another one of those youth gone wild stories (wait, didn't I just put that in the title?). Look how it ends:
Three 11-year-old boys and a 10-year-old girl tried to hijack their school bus near Punxsutawney this morning.State police said the four hatched the plot yesterday. Just after 8 a.m. today, one of the boys pulled a knife from a book bag and held it near another student. He demanded driver Janet McQuown, 52, stop and get off the bus.
A police news release says she pulled over along Pine Tree Church Road in Oliver Township and "the knife was removed from the juvenile's possession." It doesn't say how.
The bus, with the hijackers and about 40 other children, arrived safely at Mapleview Elementary, where the unnamed offenders were taken into custody.
Doesn't say how????? Come ON!!!! I need closure here. Were they pelted with Skittles? Subdued by strewn Starbursts on the floor of the bus? Whatever the method, these kids have to have the sorriest life ahead of them ... you hijack a school bus, fail miserably at it - to the point of arriving at the very destination that you seek to rebel against. And all this while, you were foiled by someone 5 times your age. Not many hardened criminals can say that last sentence, kiddos ... take some pride in that.
Confession
OK, I feel the need to unburden myself of an admission that I know will bring moral derision and elitist judgement from my compatriots here, but for the benefit of warped humanity (and so I can sleep at night), I am doing it anyway.
You think you have good porn? Do you? Well, you don't. MSNBC does. They have the hottest, steamiest smut this side of Willam Katt and Shannon Tweed right there linked at their home page. And yes, you the taxpayer have helped to fund the licentiousness that is currently wreaking havoc upon my loins.
I am referring, of course, to a manuscript detailing the (ahem)... "torture" at Gitmo. Just when I thought that bustle-busting action was confined to second-rate soft core on Skinemax, I find out that your average civil service employee could crank this stuff out much better!! The Lewinksy report has now taken a distant back seat to this sweet action, courtesy of the U.S. military. Uncle Sam, I salute you!
Female interrogators tried to break Muslim detainees at the U.S. prison camp in Guantanamo Bay by sexual touching, wearing miniskirts and thong underwear and in one case smearing a Saudi man's face with fake menstrual blood, according to an insider's written account.
OK, fine: I can do without becoming acquainted with a women's discharge, but the other stuff is a damn fine start!! Are you at work? Then pull in close to your desk, cuz this gets goooood!
Saar said he witnessed about 20 interrogations and about three months after his arrival at the remote U.S. base he started noticing "disturbing" practices.
One female civilian contractor used a special outfit that included a miniskirt, thong underwear and a bra during late-night interrogations with prisoners, mostly Muslim men who consider it taboo to have close contact with women who aren't their wives.
Beginning in April 2003, "there hung a short skirt and thong underwear on the hook on the back of the door" of one interrogation team's office, he writes. "Later I learned that this outfit was used for interrogations by one of the female civilian contractors ... on a team which conducted interrogations in the middle of the night on Saudi men who were refusing to talk."
Now if that doesn't at least start your engine, I have the name of a good mortician for you to consult. Personally, I am intrigued as to who made such a wardrobe call. I happen to have a fairly strong aesthetic sense when it comes to women's fashion and I'm certain that with an extensive budget and a daily liquor allotment, I could come up with plenty of helpful ideas for this sort of "questioning".
In another case, Saar describes a female military interrogator questioning an uncooperative 21-year-old Saudi detainee who allegedly had taken flying lessons in Arizona before the Sept. 11 terror attacks. Suspected Sept. 11 hijacker Hani Hanjour received pilot instruction for three months in 1996 and in December 1997 at a flight school in Scottsdale, Ariz.
"His female interrogator decided that she needed to turn up the heat," Saar writes, saying she repeatedly asked the detainee who had sent him to Arizona, telling him he could "cooperate" or "have no hope whatsoever of ever leaving this place or talking to a lawyer."
The man closed his eyes and began to pray, Saar writes.
The female interrogator wanted to "break him," Saar adds, describing how she removed her uniform top to expose a tight-fitting T-shirt and began taunting the detainee, touching her breasts, rubbing them against the prisoner's back and commenting on his apparent erection.
Donald Rumsfeld, you are a genius!! I mean, when I want someone who is plotting unspeakable violence against this nation to spill the beans, I make sure that the more tight-lipped he is, the closer his hot female questioner gets to nudity and physical contact. "If you don't tell me where that nuke is THIS INSTANT then it's blowjobs 'til sunrise!!!" Yeah, that oughta get him talking!! Brilliant!!
Now here's where it gets weird:
The detainee looked up and spat in her face, the manuscript recounts.
Now I have no idea what kind of kooky rules they have in that religion of theirs, but I gotta tell ya, this one seems off-the-charts nuts to me. I guess I have been instilled with too strong a sense of Christianity not to be able to appreciate a fine pair of knobs pressed upon my back. Too much time in church, I suppose...
Sexual tactics used by female interrogators have been criticized by the FBI, which complained in a letter obtained by AP last month that U.S. defense officials hadn't acted on complaints by FBI observers of "highly aggressive" interrogation techniques, including one in which a female interrogator grabbed a detainee's genitals.
I have one thing to say: multi-state killing spree. I mean, if this is the kind of treatment I can expect from our G-men, then consider my plan to dig underneath Fort Knox officially underway.
Look, I know I'm supposed to have sympathy for all the "atrocities" committed at Abu Ghraib, but it seems to me the biggest mistake those terrorists made was not building a little raft of their own and sailing for Cuba. Granted, I now have serious concerns about what exactly happened to Elias Gonzales after he was taken by the feds, but I have a hunch there's a little boy in Havana today with a big fat friggin' grin across his face.
The book, which Saar titled "Inside the Wire" is due out this year with Penguin Press.
And I will be the slobbering, perverted individual elbowing my way to the front of the check-out counter and Barnes & Noble with said volume in hand. Good day!
You can't blame me for assuming...
I saw a headline in MSNBC's interactive menu that said "Nicole Kidman Seeking Restraining Order" and expected that CCB, GO, et al might be down for a while. I was then disappointed to see that it was an order against photographers, not Thrillhouse.
Dammit, man, where's your commitment?!! If you're not stalking, you're not trying! Now join me in the bushes outside this gorgeous woman's house and don't forget the night vision specs.
(Honestly, I couldn't have cared less what the story was about, but I knew there'd be an accompanying picture, so of course I looked. This woman is truly a knockout.)
Little Yerry Seinfeld
Now that the election cycle is done, it is time to address the pressing issue of the day: cockfighting.
The Oklahoma legislature outlawed the blood sport in 2002 because of its cruelty to the roosters, which are slashed and pecked to death while human spectators bet on the outcome
But State Sen. Frank Shurden, a Democrat from Henryetta and a long-time defender of cockfighting, said the ban had wiped out a $100-million business.
To try to revive it, he has proposed that roosters wear little boxing gloves attached to their spurs, as well as lightweight, chicken-sized vests configured with electronic sensors to record hits and help keep score.
If they repeal the ban, I am sooo down for a road trip.
January 23, 2005
Johnny Carson
One of the greats is now lost forever. As one of the Clown Car contingent old enough to recall watching Johnny Carson at night, its worth noting that Carson was seemingly the eternal glue from the early ages of comedy to the modern era. The former joke writer for Jack Paar gave us Jerry Seinfeld, David Letterman, and a slew of others. In one person, we lose someone immortalized by both Jack Burns and Homer Simpson alike.
Tom Shales hits many of the highlights in his memorium.
Back in the Clown Car Groove
Let's get caught up, shall we? I need a humor fix like it's nobody's business.
Call him the money man.He's schizophrenic, obsessive-compulsive and so ill he can't remember things from one day to the next. Until he was moved to a nursing home recently, he spent years entering downtown skyscrapers and holding forth on Hitler, Mussolini and the Beatles.
Security guards asked him to leave, but he couldn't, he had to get to the end of his spiel. Inevitably the police came, charged him with misdemeanor trespassing and put him in jail. From jail he went to a state mental hospital, and from there he recycled back to jail, the county psychiatric hospital and the streets.
... I'm wondering if I'm the only one that finds it a coincidence that Ralphieboy doesn't delve into family matters around us all too often.
A 40-year-old woman held sex and drug parties with teenage boys, telling police she wanted to be a "cool mom," authorities say.Sylvia Johnson allegedly provided marijuana, methamphetamine and alcohol to eight boys at parties she hosted at her suburban Denver home in 2003 and 2004. According to court papers, she admitted having sex with five of the boys
Somewhere, there are three teenaged boys with an inferiority complex like you would not believe. Suffice it to say, but Ms. Johnson ... you were one cool mom. Ponder that thought while in prison.
A Czech man is being taken to court after he hid in a restaurant washroom until the employees had left and then hooked up beer kegs directly to his mouth.Cleaning staff found him drunk and lying on the floor of the bar at the restaurant in the city of Brno, about 200km (120 miles) east of Prague, the CTK news agency reported on Thursday.
January 19, 2005
January 17, 2005
Ahem
I hereby call a meeting of UAA (United Association of Assclowns) Local Chapter #334.
Date: either February 25th or 26th, please state your preference
Location: Landmark River Oaks
Time: Midnight (11:30 if you need to get your caffeine fix down the street)
Event: This movie
You know you want to. The last one was so bad, you just have to see this one...
January 15, 2005
OK, geniuses...
anybody had any experience with this one?
Also, any suggestions as to what other films to use to get the taste of "The Night Porter" out of our... you know...?
By the way...
You think we Rocky actors/actresses are unhinged? Huh?? Well, have a look at
It's simultaneously the greatest and worst thing you've ever seen.
January 12, 2005
What We Have Here...
Is a failure to communicate. Some people just can't be reasoned with....Thrillhouse
January 10, 2005
A Visit To The Bunker
I could smell the stale sweat of a hundred others coming from the hood. Apparently nobody is allowed to see the way to the bunker (aka: Ralphieboy's domicile). I was led down an ever-twisting maze of moist hallways, took a single step up and was stopped. "Knock Three Times and then say Zappa Sent Me," said the person leading me. I couldn't tell whether it was a male or female, as they were using a Babe Ruth-era voicebox to hide their identity. As the rope holding my wrists together was cut, I could hear my guide running behind me through the maze. Directly in front of me was what appeared to be a solid oak door covered in tinfoil. "Well, I've come this far, might as well keep going," I told myself. I knocked as instructed, and after hearing a paper shredder run for approximately 5 minutes followed by a loud bang, I was allowed into the bunker.
There, a group of us had convened to share tall tales of the year before. There was Ralphieboy, our master of ceremonies, passing out pork to all the attendees (how appropriate, considering we were watching a movie about Nazis). Ulysses showed up half in the bag (or more appropriately, with a half-empty bottle IN the bag). Thrillhouse had rearranged the record collection in order of sucktitude. And fortunately for all, Ms A. had deemed us worthy of her night. After a brief tour of what I was told was only some of the surveillance equipment trained on the night's proceedings, we all hunkered down to watch "The Night Porter".
You know, Italy has good food, and maybe a good movie or two, but this was a real stinkbomb straight from the boot. Maybe it was too 'arty" for me. Maybe I was too "intoxicated" to follow the movie. But frankly, it was horrid. The gist of the movie: in 1957 a former prison guard who was apparently the founder and owner of "Jews Gone Wild" is working as a hotel porter when he encounters one of his old prisoners. The lady is whacked out of her skull, however, as instead of going to the cops she winds up getting together with the former guard. They have some torrid love affair which involves broken perfume bottle glass ground into feet and hands, and a transvestite keeps calling the porter. Mario made good food, but is killed because he knew too much. The Nazis find it in their heart to accept one homosexual, but only because he's a really good dancer. And finally after much delay, the porter and woman are killed by the Nazis. Does it make sense now? Good, that's how I feel.
All survived the excursion to the bunker without too many burns. Little does Ralphieboy know I placed my own wireless camera somewhere inside. Just my little insurance policy and advanced warning system for when I see him sharpening his machete. Oh, and I don't see why the escort was necessary. I could have just been told to go to the front door, which is surprisingly conspicuous. It's not like there are too many bright purple doors with sunflowers painted on them in Houston...
January 09, 2005
Review: COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT
At the Film Night / Convocation / Sensibilities Massacre last evening, I was passed a copy of the 1970 film Colossus: The Forbin Project (an adaptation of "Colossus" by D.F. Jones, first of a trilogy still in print, I think). Eric Braeden was the lead character (Dr. Forbin) and a lesser-known but very professional cast backed him up. I'd place this fairly high on the list of technology movies in spite of a fairly stale plotline.
A few films such as The Andromeda Strain, The Missing Are Deadly and Outbreak, whatever their failings, have spun their tales upon a foundation of believable proposition. While those films dealt with plans for the control of unknown disease-producing organisms, 'Colossus' raises questions regarding the ability of humans to control mass destruction devices in a cold war context (with two large active banks of such weapons arrayed against each other). Not far into the film, issues of how much control should rest in the hands of humans are balanced with the stipulation that human control can be seen as the largest source of possible error in the chain. Similar as well to the movie Fail-Safe, 'Colossus' relies not upon aliens with ray guns and flying saucers, but upon new capabilities of our own to produce senses of suspense, of terror, of the unknown.
Although the 'Colossus' story suffers from lack of explanation (and rationale) regarding how the computing devices can engage in such matters as broad observation, new independent thought and self-repair, the special effects and set construction are adequate to visualize something that science fiction has often proposed - computing arrays measured not in feet or in rooms but in acres, or in Colossus' case, football fields. Before memory and processing power began to be serviced by ever-shrinking devices, physical area was a major restriction on computing capacity. Here, a device is proposed that did not lack for size.
Control Data Corporation, a competitor of IBM (and last gig for Seymour Cray before he formed his own storied outfit), loaned the hardware for this film, and unlike in 'Sebastian' (Dirk Bogarde, Susannah York 1968), the units were not soft-focused into the background but were seen in close, starkly realistic focus. For this reason the film will be interesting to tech types. The "Frankenstein" conceit of a tale of puny mortals before the mighty, mocking universe (with that term of Mary Shelley's mentioned in the dialog twice) is shopworn, but as a model for the use of technology as a film backdrop, 'Colossus' has few peers. 2.5 out of 5 overall.
January 07, 2005
One More Crank on Ashlee
Once more, the tabloids are leading the pack on current events ...
January 06, 2005
Dammit!!!
I really, really, REALLY want to punch this man in the face repeatedly:
LOS ANGELES - "Watching contestants eat dead rats on NBC’s gross-out stunt show “Fear Factor” so disgusted a Cleveland man that he has sued NBC for $2.5 million, saying he could not stomach what he saw....
His suit added, “NBC is sending the wrong message to its TV watchers that cash can make or have people do just about anything beyond reasoning (sic) and in most cases against their will.”
He said the show caused his blood pressure to rise so high that he became dizzy and light-headed, and when he ran away to his room, he bumped his head into the doorway.
Just how bad was Ashlee Simpson's performance?
When Ashlee came on and began to perform, though, I literally dropped my fork. Then I cupped my hands over my ears, but it didn't help. Ashlee's singing sounded like a cross between a political prisoner being tortured and a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.
I desperately searched for the remote so I could hit the mute button, but I must have misplaced it. But I also couldn't believe that someone didn't rush the stage and stop her. The local police. The FBI. Homeland security. Even an angry mob of vigilantes. Instead, they just let her keep going. I've never felt so helpless or vulnerable in my life.
I happened to look out the window and noticed that some of my neighbors were running down the street, their hands over their ears, screaming for help. I wanted to help them, I really did. Yet I was gripped by horror and disbelief. I was practically catatonic. For their sake - and for mine - all I could hope for was a swift end to the halftime show.
Shrieking like a hyena giving birth, she closed her "song" with something that approximates the phrase, "you make we wanna SCREAM!" And then she waited for applause.
Instead, she got boos, the kind of irate and vindictive boos that usually occur after a pro wrestler taunts a crowd. Through the cacophony, the gentle strains of "You suck!" could be heard.
January 04, 2005
***DROOL***
Kristin Davis is hot ...
... just in case anyone was wondering.
Merry Goatmas
Folks, if I've tried to warn you once, I've tried to warn you ... well ... once. But THIS is how it all starts. Simple innocent gifts. Then it goes all to hell. When will we learn?
A Flight Sim for the Rest of Us!
At long last, MS Flight Simulator serves a useful function ... letting us flight sim a UFO!
January 02, 2005
Casa Del Ralphie update update
The copy Uber provided of THE NIGHT PORTER has been tested on 5 or 6 chapter beginnings and sound and picture are good; no apparent format conflict with player. Door opens @ about 7:30pm on Sat. the 8th. Seperate email also going out. Remember: although everybody may not be 'into' the film, the simple experience of a trip to the pentultimate bachelor pad will be interesting/frightening enough to make up for it, hopefully.
January 01, 2005
Films of 2004
The best ... the worst ... the rest ....
Best of 2004:
Napoleon Dynamite: This one wins any award I might create for best movies of the year. At once lovable, adorable, cute, insightful, and curious. This isn't for everyone, but I maintain that anyone who doesn't at least appreciate this movie has a black mark on their soul ... or possibly just A.D.D. The movie is slow-paced, the acting ability is questionable, and the script is lame. But that's not the point. The point is that despite all of these failings - failings which mirror the imperfection of the characters they depict - there's still a valuable "coming of age" story that they tell. There's just enough point of distinction between this movie and every other "Coming of Age" movie that's been done to death. That this one carves out a successful niche is practically astounding to me. Besides ... who knew Mormons could be funny. Certainly not this Donnie & Marie fan.
Passion: One of the few movies that really doesn't need a lot more said about it ... you either get it or you don't, I think. Amazingly powerful for those who do. That point ought not be lost in the event the movie award count doesn't reflect this movie's importance.
Anchorman: I still think that Will Farrell needs a little more restraint to be at his best. But for guilty pleasures, this is pretty damned good stuff. Ironic for me that I'm less a fan of comedic riffers such as Farrell and Robin Williams, but Farrell's schtick just hits my funnybone a little better.
Cold Mountain: I create a separate topic of discussion for all things Nicole Kidman later, but this deserves special attention due to the job Renee Zellweger did in this movie. From merely a movie-fan level, watching the power that a supporting character can have on a movie is a unique spectacle. Sure, it's been done before ... and possibly better. But Renee really stretched herself on this role and come across topping Nicole Kidman in this movie. Technically, a 2003 release whose box office carried over into 2004, but I still marvel at the job Renee does in this movie.
Miracle: To those of us who lived through the 1980 Miracle on Ice moment, this was a time worth reliving. The movie is nicely done and Kurt Russell does a magnificent job. All the better for those who came of political age at or around this time as the movie dabs its toe appropriately into the issues that surrounded the sporting event itself. For purely selfish reasons, my favorite of the year.
Shrek 2: Not as good as the original, but I still say Eddie Murphy has found his niche as a talking donkey.
Spiderman 2: I didn't quite care for the movie itself ... it wasn't bad, but it wasn't really a good continuation of the storyline as it was just another attempt at the same damn story. But one thing this movie did do for me was make me want to take a deep and abiding interest in the movie career of Kirsten Dunst.
Shaun of the Dead: Incredibly creative take on the zombie genre that deserves meritorious applause. The Brit-centric focus takes some getting used to for those of us who aren't Anglophiles, but it's well done and funny as all hell.
Ed: Purple Rain.
Shaun: No.
Ed: Sign o' the Times.
Shaun: Definitely not.
Ed: The Batman soundtrack?
Shaun: Throw it.
Hilarious!
End of the Century: Great insight into The Ramones and the dawn of the punk generation. If I'm stranded on a desert island with a portable DVD player, this is my movie of choice.
Worst of 2004:
Farenheit 9/11: That more Dems couldn't see through the nonsense about Moore's points on the Afghan war as well as the critical ommissions of Michael Moore's Iraq history are a bitter disappointment. That more Dems ought to see the failure of this movie to persuade is a lesson still needing to be learned. Four words that more Dems should incorporate into their vocabulary: F*ck off, Michael Moore.
Soul Plane: I only spent a buck-fifty on this movie, but I'm still embarrassed as all hell about it.
White Chicks: I kept waiting for this movie to get funny. I'm still waiting.
Dodgeball: Brilliant concept, poor movie. Someone tell Ben Stiller to stop acting.
Stuff I liked but everyone else hated:
The Village: I grew up on old Hitchcock movies ... so sue me.
Mayor of Sunset Strip: A rather thin year for documentaries what with Moore sucking the oxygen out of the field. But this little insight into one of the eminent DJs of the LA punk scene was something of a unique find. I enjoyed it, but for different reasons than I went in for. Thinking it would be just a glimpse into the rise of the LA punk, what we got instead was a debate over the meaning and importance of celebrity. Given the rise of reality TV, I can't think of a more timely analysis. The glimpses into the music are ok, but the documentary itself is something else to absorb.
Smoke On Water
Dateline: Suburban Austin
Date: 1/1/05
Time: 12:30
I'm saddened to report that we blew up Uber's neighborhood. Countless goats now roam about aimlessy, Film and detailed accounts to come later .. as in, after we shake the smokey on our tail.
.... out!