February 23, 2005
Starbucks' Latest Niche: Alcoholics
We always knew they'd eventually tap into the assclown market ... now our fears are confirmed. Time to re-up those Starbucks cards, gentlemen ....
Uber's Oscar Picks!
It's a wonderful week for Oscar. Oscar Oscar. Who will win? I have no idea, but frankly it's fun to try and pick the winners. There's no agency here with the envelopes, I have no celebrities and my ratings are going to be only slightly higher than the Independent Spirit Awards, but doggone it I don't care. You may call me full of crap if you wish, but again I don't care. Want to see how poor my picks are? Read on, loyal viewer...
BEST PICTURE
SIDEWAYS
THE AVIATOR
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
FINDING NEVERLAND
RAY
This marks the first time I've seen all the nominees before the ceremony itself. I really had no interest in Finding Neverland at all, so I'm ruling it out. Frankly I'm surprised it was up here. Looking at the other four nominees, you have a lunatic, a blind man, a boxer and a drunk. When all else fails, I'm going with the lunatic, because the Academy loves crazy/mentally challenged people (re: A Beautiful Mind, Forrest Gump). Gold goes to The Aviator.
BEST ACTOR
Leonardo DiCaprio - THE AVIATOR
Jamie Foxx - RAY
Don Cheadle - HOTEL RWANDA
Clint Eastwood - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Johnny Depp - FINDING NEVERLAND
This is one I know that Thrillhouse will disagree on. Sadly, I can't argue with him there, as I haven't seen Hotel Rwanda and he raves about this movie constantly. But of the four performances I have seen, Jamie Foxx should win. Watching Ray was a downright spooky experience when you consider it was filmed when Ray Charles was alive, then released shortly after his death. Foxx showed the talent and the pain behind the man so well known musically. It's like I told one friend: when you watch that movie, you don't see Jamie Foxx. That, to me, is good acting.
BEST ACTRESS
Kate Winslet - ETERNAL SUNSINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
Hilary Swank - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Imelda Staunton - VERA DRAKE
Annette Bening - BEING JULIA
Catalina Sandino Moreno - MARIA FULL OF GRACE
Wrap it up and give it to Swank. Million Dollar Baby will not come out of these awards empty handed, and she really did have the best performance in the movie. Sure, Morgan Freeman was entertaining, but I felt it was too similar to his character in the Shawshank Redemption to stand out. Now, with that being said, I haven't seen the last three movies. Who knows what will happen there.
BEST DIRECTOR
Martin Scorsese - THE AVIATOR
Clint Eastwood - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Alexander Payne - SIDEWAYS
Taylor Hackford - RAY
Mike Leigh - VERA DRAKE
Again, I think it's time for the Academy to finally recognize Martin Scorsese. Read this list: Goodfellas, Casino, Taxi Driver, Mean Streets, Raging Bull, Last Temptation of Christ, The "Bad" Video, Gangs of New York. He hasn't won an Oscar. This is his year.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Thomas Haden Church - SIDEWAYS
Morgan Freeman - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Jamie Foxx - COLLATERAL
Alan Alda - THE AVIATOR
Clive Owen - CLOSER
Tough choices. I still haven't seen Closer, although I hear good things. Personally, I liked Thomas Hayden Church in Sideways. I say give it to him. Any man who charges a golf cart while swinging a club is all right in my book.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Virginia Madsen - SIDEWAYS
Cate Blanchett - THE AVIATOR
Natalie Portman - CLOSER
Laura Linney - KINSEY
Sophie Okonedo - HOTEL RWANDA
Cate Blanchett's portrayl of Audrey Hepburn was smart, sassy and showcased Blanchett's ability to "class up" for a role. Does she deserve the Oscar. Hard to say having seen 2 out of 5 of the movies. If it were up to me, give it to Natalie Portman for 5 seconds, then rip it out of her hands for letting them cut her nude scene from Closer. Then give it to the lady from Hotel Rwanda. That movie will probably bring home something.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
THE AVIATOR - John Logan
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND - Charlie Kaufman
HOTEL RWANDA - Keir Pearson & Terry George
THE INCREDIBLES - Brad Bird
VERA DRAKE - Mike Leigh
Can a biography really be all that "original"? I mean, the idea is already out there. It's not like you're making up Howard Hughes's life. I think Ulysses will agree with me when I say give it to Charlie Kaufman. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind just hit me hard, latched on and didn't let go. I thought it would get a best picture nomination, but apparently it's early 2004 release data hurt it. Out of sight, out of mind...
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
SIDEWAYS - Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor
MILLION DOLLAR BABY - Paul Haggis
FINDING NEVERLAND - David Magee
THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES - José Rivera
BEFORE SUNSET - Richard Linklater & Julie Delpy & Ethan Hawke
Curious. I've seen 3 out of 5 here. What the heck, give it to Million Dollar Baby. Why? Eh, why not? This area of the show is a pee break for everyone anyway.
BEST ART DIRECTION
THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT
Ooh, give me a WWI film anyday. A Very Long Engagement. WWI has always been an underrated war. I mean, that whole "war to end all wars" boasting at the end was pretty snotty of people. And then look what happened! The doggone Germans came up and bit people in the butts AGAIN. Stupid Europe...
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
Caleb Deschanel - THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
Robert Richardson - THE AVIATOR
Zhao Xiaoding - HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS
John Mathieson - THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
Bruno Delbonnel - A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT
I have yet to find a clear definition of what Cinematography is, and how it's very important. Doesn't the director just point and say "shoot this", then the cameraman shoots the scene? Just kidding, I saw Citizen Kane and realize how a cinematographer can change the entire look of a movie. I've had enough of wire-fu, so screw House of Flying Daggers. Statue goes to Passion of the Christ, because we don't want to piss off Jesus this close to Easter.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
AS IT IS IN HEAVEN
THE CHORUS
DOWNFALL
THE SEA INSIDE
YESTERDAY
Why wasn't Passion of the Christ here, you may ask? Well, because this category is mislabeled. To be a foreign language film nominee, I believe you also have to have been produced by a non-American company. I haven't seen any of these films, so give it to the Beatles tune: Yesterday.
BEST MUSIC - ORIGINAL SCORE
FINDING NEVERLAND
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE VILLAGE
Curiouser and curiouser. I've seen them all, and yet no music really stood out at me. Give it to the Passion. After all, there was no English to really drown out the music. Just the screams from a man being tortured to death. Ahhh, sweet music to my ears???
BEST MUSIC - ORIGINAL SONG
"Accidentally in Love" - SHREK 2
"Believe" - THE POLAR EXPRESS
"Look To Your Path (Vois Sur Ton Chemin)" - THE CHORUS
"Al Otro Lado Del Río" - THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
"Learn To Be Lonely" - PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
...Wha? Who came up with this list? Where's Sting? Wasn't the 28th Amendment that either he or Phil Collins be an Original Song nominee every year? My prediction: boring songs.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN
THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
RAY
TROY
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Hollywood loves the 30's and 40's. The Aviator covered that ground with room to spare, helping to capture the glitz and glamour of the dawn of the "talkie" and the era of Howard Hughes at RKO.
BEST ANIMATED FILM
THE INCREDIBLES
SHREK 2
SHARK TALE
Oooh, a hard one. Seen them all, and frankly thought The Incredibles was a great idea for a superhero movie. I was wary with what Pixar would do to humans in this movie, but am glad that the state of technology has advanced far enough for them to really do a superhero movie justice. One can only hope that they switch distributors to Warner Brothers, then take one of the WB's lesser licenses and turn it into a great superhero cartoon movie. I'm thinking Green Lantern.
BEST FILM EDITING
THE AVIATOR
COLLATERAL
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
If I'm wrong, I'm going down in flames. But I liked the way Ray was edited to give a nonlinear sense of time in some places. The use of the flashback was effective here. After years of use, it seems as if a lot of directors are going away from the flashback to other devices. Don't let the flashback die like the laugh track!
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
I, ROBOT
SPIDER-MAN 2
Neither Harry Potter nor Spider-Man really showed me anything new in the special effects department. Give the gold man to the people responsible for silver men.
BEST MAKEUP
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE SEA INSIDE
Sorry Jesus, no award here. This one goes to the many faces of Jim Carrey in Lemony Snicket. A movie, by the way, which I did not enjoy at all. What happened with this trainwreck? It just disappeared out of theaters.
BEST SOUND
THE AVIATOR
THE INCREDIBLES
THE POLAR EXPRESS
RAY
SPIDER-MAN 2
Best Sound? Um, how about the sound of Ray Charles singing. But sadly, I don't believe that's considered in this movie. Give it to The Aviator, which had lots of noisy planes going through the movie. Ooh, and a few good crashes as well.
BEST SOUND EDITING
THE INCREDIBLES
THE POLAR EXPRESS
SPIDER-MAN 2
Another from the who gives a rat's ass department. Throw everyone off, give it to Ben Hur.
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
BORN INTO BROTHELS
THE STORY OF THE WEEPING CAMEL
SUPER SIZE ME
TUPAC: RESURRECTION
TWIST OF FAITH
Fahrenheit 9/11. What? It's not nominated? Heh. Pretty funny. Ok then, The Passion of the Christ. What? That's not technically a documentary? Hm. Why not? Fine then. Super Size Me is disgustingly accurate, but I am betting on the three legged horse here. Tupac: Resurrection. If you can't have Jesus and his resurrection, it's a good enough substitution.
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
AUTISM IS A WORLD
THE CHILDREN OF LENINGRADSKY
HARDWOOD
MIGHTY TIMES: THE CHILDREN'S MARCH
SISTER ROSE'S PASSION
Haven't seen any of 'em. Throwing a dart out there, I'll go with the funniest name. Hardwood it is!
BEST SHORT FILM – ANIMATED
BIRTHDAY BOY
GOPHER BROKE
GUARD DOG
LORENZO
RYAN
Blind guess time yet again. Lorenzo reminds me so much of Lorenzo's Oil. Let the kid live, and give him the Oscar!
BEST SHORT FILM - LIVE ACTION
EVERYTHING IN THIS COUNTRY MUST
LITTLE TERRORIST
7:35 IN THE MORNING
TWO CARS, ONE NIGHT
WASP
And here we are at the end. No idea what these films are about. But I like times. 7:35 in the morning is when I'm usually leaving for work. That's an ok time. Winner!
A Fruit Gets Reviewed By a Vegetable
Finally!!!! The Onion on The Apple
Crap Like This Deserves a Warning Label
... and this is your brain on ONE single ABBA tune ... for FIVE SOLID HOURS!!!
I fear for him should he ever be so bold as to try that with "Honky Cat."
February 22, 2005
POETRY CORNER
OK, you great unwashed: get some culture. Here's a "poem" from another board to which I contribute when out of liquor...
"The Hissing Of Shot-out Tires"
by Ralphieboy
The drizzle outside paints the street in sparkling mirrors of light
I check the cameras and frequency sweepers; the coast is clear
Some guy is yelling "Long live the new flesh!" in a pink tutu and a space helmet on this unlisted cable channel on monitor 5
James levitates past the window holding a VHS of "Brainsmasher: A Love Story" in one hand and a tube of KY in the other
He yells as he passes "You moron! She sent the photos to buttfuck.com!!"
A redwinged finch sings in a tree, and is vaporized by the contrails of microscopic UFO's
Two or three people attempt to figure out what I mean by all this
Three dozen longshoremen dance down the street singing "I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say No"
The Gods survey all, muttering in unison "Oh shit"
Elton John goes straight
Just kidding on that last one
Gene Scott, RIP
Such a sad sad day when an eccentric member of the counterculture passes. No, I'm not talking about Hunter S. Thompson. Sheesh, we all saw that coming a mile away. Instead, let's dwell upon the latest loss to rock the world of the eclectic: Televangelist Gene Scott.
Seems the old man was proven correct in the end. The end is near, it turns out. He just had a few of the particular details confused.
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Gene Scott, the shaggy-haired, cigar-smoking televangelist whose eccentric religious broadcasts were beamed around the world, has died, a family spokesman said. He was 75.Scott died Monday after suffering a stroke, said the spokesman, Robert Emmers.
The longtime pastor of Los Angeles University Cathedral began hosting a nightly television broadcast of Bible teaching in the mid-1970s. His University Network eventually aired a nightly talk show and Sunday morning church services on radio and television stations in about 180 countries.
Scott's church, a Protestant congregation of more than 15,000 members, raised millions of dollars through round-the-clock Internet and satellite TV broadcasts, where he would demand of viewers: ``Get on the telephone!'' to donate.
In some of his speeches, Scott would deliver complex lectures on Biblical languages to make points about the meaning of faith. But he also spoke on current events, sometimes lacing his sermons with profanity.
He supported the war in Iraq. ``Iraq is a threat to the world,'' he said in a 2003 speech posted on his Web site. ``So kick the hell out of 'em, George.''
Recognizable by his mane of white hair and scruffy beard, Scott never stuck to a conventional format in his talk show. He sometimes smoked on the show and once wore glasses with eyes pasted on them.
Unlike other televangelists, Scott's sermons did not condemn homosexuality, abortion or other hot-topic sexual issues. He argued such issues were a personal choice.
Scott, the son of a traveling preacher, had a lavish lifestyle that included a chauffeured limousine, contact with political bigwigs and, he claimed, 300 horses.
But he also spent lavishly on charity. After a fire badly damaged the Los Angeles Central Library, he organized a telethon that raised $2 million. In 2002, Scott gave $20,000 to save the Museum in Black from eviction. The museum has some 5,000 items from the slave and civil rights eras.
Scott came under scrutiny by authorities on several occasions, including by the state attorney general's office in 1977, which suspected him of fraud. The investigation was dropped, however, after the Legislature passed a law barring prosecution of civil fraud against tax-exempt religious organizations.
Alas, the world of television evangelists will never be the same.
February 18, 2005
EXACTLY!!!
Couldn't agree more with this review of Napoleon Dynamite, a truly atrocious film:
We can laugh at comedies like this for two reasons: Because we feel superior to the characters, or because we pity or like them. I do not much like laughing down at people, which is why the comedies of Adam Sandler make me squirmy (most people, I know, laugh because they like him). In the case of Napoleon Dynamite (Jon Heder), I certainly don't like him, but then the movie makes no attempt to make him likable. Truth is, it doesn't even try to be a comedy. It tells his story and we are supposed to laugh because we find humor the movie pretends it doesn't know about.
Precisely... too cute by half.
Challenge!
The Most Comfortable Panties In The World?
Buy me a pair, I'll tell you for sure just how comfortable they are. I guarantee that I will put that "one size fits all" theory to the test.
February 13, 2005
Mödern Röck Histöry
Finally ... a part of history they just don't teach in school anymore.
... or, more precisely ... ever.
February 11, 2005
What the Heck?!
Toyota Workers Look For Menstrual Time Off
Oh my goodness. It's time for us guys to band together and demand hours off in the morning on account of morning wood...
It's the part I was born to play!
Ladies & Gentlemen...Naked Karaoke is a go!
Who wants to go to Connecticut with me? Come on!
February 10, 2005
Marcia Cross denies ‘coming out’
‘Desperate Housewives’ star says she's single but not gay
"Not that there's anything wrong with that..."
But I will say I'm happy to hear it.
February 09, 2005
We ID Under 100!
Wisconsin Chain Never Assumes Concerning Age
Betty Ann Fischer has been old enough to buy liquor for more than 50 years. So the 71-year-old was a little surprised when a grocery store clerk asked her for ID before selling her a bottle of wine.The identification checks at all Pick 'n Save and Copps food stores in Wisconsin are part of a new policy by Roundy's Inc. requiring cashiers to check the age of everyone buying cigarettes or alcohol — regardless of whether they look 21 or 91.
Somewhere, there's a 91 year old in Wisconsin counting down the days till he turns 92 and no longer has to live with this indignity.
Corey Returns!
Corey Feldman on Childhood Friendship with Michael Jackson
I know ... I know ... we've been waiting for the day when the Great Cory Feldman Comeback would begin.
Brace yourselves!!!!
February 04, 2005
In Memoriam
"Every fall the trees are filled with underwear;
Every spring the toilets explode."