ClownCarBlog.com

I'm Offended!!

How could I not have been consulted before this contest was launched:

Have you been told that you look just like Will Smith? Been mistaken for Kate Winslet? Well prove it. Send us your Will Smith and Kate Winslet look-alike photos. We'll post the closest matches on Feb. 22.

Excuse me, but there's no person better equipped on this planet to make that assessment than I. It takes more than the average idiot at MSNBC who posts the requisite "Kate Winslet Speaks Out Against Super-thin Actress Trend" article every few months. The judge must be someone who has vast experience examining every inch of this actresses face from a variety of angles and an array of photoshoots. No matter what you see on that site, you come ask ME who the winner is if you want the truth. It might correspond to the judgement of MSNBC.

Has anyone seen Ralphie lately? Just asking...

I mean, I heard he had a busy weekend and all, so it made me wonder...

Michael Jackson is living in fear of his life after being stalked by a
transvestite.

The alleged stalker - who goes under the name of Melanie - has bombarded the
48-year-old pop superstar with up to 100 lewd letters a day, begging him for
a relationship and asking for his hand in marriage.

Better than Vader Sessions

yes, better ...

The Sharp Stick of Fun Pointed at Ye

Ahhh, sweet irony.

I Will NOT Pay a Lot for This Chihuahua!

Wow ... I really don't know what to say to this one:

Woman uses dead Chihuahua as weapon
A St. Peters woman answered her door early Wednesday morning and was hit over the head with a dead dog.

Lisa L. Hopfer, 33, of Wentzville, allegedly forced her way into the St. Peters woman's home and attacked the victim with a dead Chihuahua puppy.

Police reported Hopfer bought the puppy from the victim after the victim's Chihuahua had unexpectedly become pregnant by a neighbor's dog. The puppies were not full breed Chihuahuas.

I just hope nobody's getting ideas for Halloween based on this.

Explain this one...

Umm...

Kids Today ...

I've said it onc, I'll say it again ... kids today are a bunch of pansies.

Charlie Brown Would Shoot Himself

What in the blue bloody heck is going on in this world?

Time to load up the "Holiday Tree" with Black Sabbath tunes, sit around and watch grandma get drunk off her annual bottle of schnappes while regailing us with tales of her premarital affairs with young boys heading off to war. Turns out she was a 'special gal back home' to many of our boys in blue. Shortly after these stories begin, you drag yourself to the bathroom, where you discover cousin Jennifer snorting coke of the toilet seat. Mom is off paying the delivery guy for dropping off her homemade dinner, while dad is cleaning his guns and eyeing your sister's new boyfriend, whose name you found out the previous night is apparently "Oh My God". At least that's what she kept yelling out despite your presence in the top bunk.

Merry Xmas, now let's go to the bar.

And Yet, No Comment When the "White" Sox Win ...

Too funny ....

DeBerry cites lack of minority players for struggles

Air Force coach Fisher DeBerry, expressing frustration Tuesday with the Falcons' slumping performance, attributed the latest loss in part to No. 20 TCU's having more black players who "can run very, very well."

DeBerry, in his 22nd year at the Air Force Academy, first mentioned the academy's lack of minority players compared to other schools while talking to reporters Monday.

He said Air Force needed to recruit faster players. "We were looking at things, like you don't see many minority athletes in our program," DeBerry told The Gazette of Colorado Springs.

When questioned about the remarks during his weekly luncheon Tuesday, the coach didn't hesitate to elaborate.

"It just seems to be that way, that Afro-American kids can run very, very well. That doesn't mean that Caucasian kids and other descents can't run, but it's very obvious to me they run extremely well," DeBerry said in remarks first broadcast Tuesday night by KWGN-TV in Denver.

You know it's a bad day when the coach looks around the locker room after yet another losing game and bemoans the presence of too many slowpoke crackers in uniform. Perhaps a visit to Prairie View A&M would change his outlook a bit.

Talk About Stupid Ideas

Nothing Good Can Come Of This

So cloning fluffy bunnies and old rover isn't enough, now we're bringing species back from extinction. Did these morons totally MISS Jurassic Park 1-3, or are they just filled with so much confidence that they think nothing can go wrong?

Weekly News Roundup ...

Just to catch up on some loose ends ...

"You Could Be Looking At It Right Now"

Quick, Ralphie ... check underneath the sofa cushions! This is your chance to cash in.

Stranger Than Fiction

Imagine, if you will, that Uber, Ralphie, and myself had all morphed into one living, breathing soul. I suspect this is pretty much what you'd get.

OKAY -

What's gone WRONG with the world?!

I'll tell ya, no good deed goes unpunished...

I said, "Hey, babe..."

" ...take a walk on the wild side"

(the classic recordings of the Francis E. Dec rants by "Doc on the Roc" of KROQ-FM, Los Angeles; not particuarly work-safe)

This stuff may have been posted here before, but why not again? After all, we here no doubt presume that this is the mental content of all the other participants, except Allie. I recall rant 3 as being the most entertaining.

UBER IS INSANE

The member of this body entitled "Uber" has recently emitted the desire for me to sing Karaoke songs in his presence.

Call the guys with the butterfly nets.

However, one must note that butterfly-net-swinging ambulance drivers have not prevented this body from convening for various catastrophes in the past. So I propose...

... that if I am whacked enough to sing for clownish cabal members, that the selections from which to choose shall be:

Muffin Man - Frank Zappa
Wind Up Working In A Gas Station - Frank Zappa
Uncle Remus - Frank Zappa
Broken Hearts Are For Assholes - Frank Zappa
Big Leg Emma - Frank Zappa
The Illinois Enema Bandit - Frank Zappa (would be hard to fill Ray White's main vocalist shoes there, though)
Carolina Hard Core Ecstasy - Zappa/Beefheart/Mothers of Invention

and several command performances like

Paperback Writer (only if Annie Lennox and Chaka Khan were backup singers and the band was the Patti Smith Group ca. 1980

Tammi (the Debby Reynolds number) - backed by the Dead Kennedys

They're Coming To Take Me Away Ha Haaa - if Uber learns drums

anything by Allan Sherman, preferably backed by Jews

LA Woman (Billy Idol single edit) with Ray Manzarek on keys

So You Want To Be A Rock And Roll Star - Patti Smith Group version - and with entire group including producer Todd Rundgren reunited

Ups And Downs - Paul Revere and the Raiders reunited

I'll Feel A Whole Lot Better - with Roger McGuinn on electric 12-string

Don't Come Knockin' - the Fats Domino number with Dr. John on keys

Folsom Prison Blues - with Johnny Winter and his metal National dobro lap steel turned up to 11 so you have to yell over him to hear your own monitor feed

... and if somebody from a certain cast can help with the black drag,
"Save The Best For Last" from the closing credits of you-know-what.

But when will a "cap and trade" market be established?

At long last, one of societies oft-ignored topics makes the major news outlets.

No, I'm not talking about blogging ... worse ... far worse.

Gene Scott, RIP

Such a sad sad day when an eccentric member of the counterculture passes. No, I'm not talking about Hunter S. Thompson. Sheesh, we all saw that coming a mile away. Instead, let's dwell upon the latest loss to rock the world of the eclectic: Televangelist Gene Scott.

Seems the old man was proven correct in the end. The end is near, it turns out. He just had a few of the particular details confused.

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Gene Scott, the shaggy-haired, cigar-smoking televangelist whose eccentric religious broadcasts were beamed around the world, has died, a family spokesman said. He was 75.

Scott died Monday after suffering a stroke, said the spokesman, Robert Emmers.

The longtime pastor of Los Angeles University Cathedral began hosting a nightly television broadcast of Bible teaching in the mid-1970s. His University Network eventually aired a nightly talk show and Sunday morning church services on radio and television stations in about 180 countries.

Scott's church, a Protestant congregation of more than 15,000 members, raised millions of dollars through round-the-clock Internet and satellite TV broadcasts, where he would demand of viewers: ``Get on the telephone!'' to donate.

In some of his speeches, Scott would deliver complex lectures on Biblical languages to make points about the meaning of faith. But he also spoke on current events, sometimes lacing his sermons with profanity.

He supported the war in Iraq. ``Iraq is a threat to the world,'' he said in a 2003 speech posted on his Web site. ``So kick the hell out of 'em, George.''

Recognizable by his mane of white hair and scruffy beard, Scott never stuck to a conventional format in his talk show. He sometimes smoked on the show and once wore glasses with eyes pasted on them.

Unlike other televangelists, Scott's sermons did not condemn homosexuality, abortion or other hot-topic sexual issues. He argued such issues were a personal choice.

Scott, the son of a traveling preacher, had a lavish lifestyle that included a chauffeured limousine, contact with political bigwigs and, he claimed, 300 horses.

But he also spent lavishly on charity. After a fire badly damaged the Los Angeles Central Library, he organized a telethon that raised $2 million. In 2002, Scott gave $20,000 to save the Museum in Black from eviction. The museum has some 5,000 items from the slave and civil rights eras.

Scott came under scrutiny by authorities on several occasions, including by the state attorney general's office in 1977, which suspected him of fraud. The investigation was dropped, however, after the Legislature passed a law barring prosecution of civil fraud against tax-exempt religious organizations.

Alas, the world of television evangelists will never be the same.

What the Heck?!

Toyota Workers Look For Menstrual Time Off

Oh my goodness. It's time for us guys to band together and demand hours off in the morning on account of morning wood...

Is This In a Survival Manual Somewhere?

Damn, what is it with folks from the former Republic of Czechoslovakia and beer?

Man peed way out of avalanche

Yeah, you read that right. Apparently, this region of the world is a bunch of Ubers who make some bad decisions in beer taverns and snowy roads. But damned if they don't manage to adapt to the situation at hand!

Youth Gone Wild

Kids today ....

Elementary students try to hijack school bus

What a wonderful age we live in, eh? But don't worry, this isn't really another one of those youth gone wild stories (wait, didn't I just put that in the title?). Look how it ends:

Three 11-year-old boys and a 10-year-old girl tried to hijack their school bus near Punxsutawney this morning.

State police said the four hatched the plot yesterday. Just after 8 a.m. today, one of the boys pulled a knife from a book bag and held it near another student. He demanded driver Janet McQuown, 52, stop and get off the bus.

A police news release says she pulled over along Pine Tree Church Road in Oliver Township and "the knife was removed from the juvenile's possession." It doesn't say how.

The bus, with the hijackers and about 40 other children, arrived safely at Mapleview Elementary, where the unnamed offenders were taken into custody.

Doesn't say how????? Come ON!!!! I need closure here. Were they pelted with Skittles? Subdued by strewn Starbursts on the floor of the bus? Whatever the method, these kids have to have the sorriest life ahead of them ... you hijack a school bus, fail miserably at it - to the point of arriving at the very destination that you seek to rebel against. And all this while, you were foiled by someone 5 times your age. Not many hardened criminals can say that last sentence, kiddos ... take some pride in that.

Smoke On Water

Dateline: Suburban Austin
Date: 1/1/05
Time: 12:30

I'm saddened to report that we blew up Uber's neighborhood. Countless goats now roam about aimlessy, Film and detailed accounts to come later .. as in, after we shake the smokey on our tail.

.... out!

Come Fly With Me....

Well damn! Guess who has been put on the No Fly List? I know, it's a shocker! During a recent journey to the depths of furniture country, I was stopped every time from checking into the automated kiosks, forcing a more involved authentication measure in which I had to stand there when the airline attendants called someone in Washington and had to ask me a few times for my middle name and other information. Fortunately, I was finally able to coax out of one lady the cause of all the hubbub, and she also gave me a piece of paper by which I could expedite manners in future flights.

Now, being on this list also entitles you to so many more entertaining procedures than the normal flier. Your belongings are all sorted through in front of the other passengers (I pitied the man who had to rifle through my dirty underwear and socks). In addition, I had 4 S's on my ticket, which is a keyword for them to put you through the special security. I decided to have a little fun with this in little backwoods NC airport. Let me set the scene for you. Gigantic man wearing a hot pink t-shirt, grey sweatpants, white socks and black slippers comes up singing songs from "Annie". Do you really want to be the person to pat him down? Well, someone had to. They explained what a metal detector was (ummm, just a wild guess, but doesn't it detect metal?), then proceeded to run it all over me. After that half-hour was done, they did the pat-down. Just prior to the pat-down, I was asked how I was doing. In my highest sing-song voice, I told them I was doing FABULOUS! That raised more than a few eyebrows in Nascar country, I tell you what. Fortunately, there was no rectal examination, as I would have had to stay in character and tell them with a wink "Be gentile, I've never done this before". Eventually I was through security, and well on my way to flying. Ah, the efficiencies of the airline industry and the TSA. Your tax dollars at work.

What really puzzles me is how I came to be on this list. I'm not a violent man. Never really been in too many fights, never threatened anything more than throwing poo at someone, and never really had it in for anyone other than Ronald McDonald (I hate clowns). I suspect I'm on the list because I voted for the challenger in the last presidential election. I wonder if GWB is just sitting in Crawford pouring over lists of Democrats and thinking up ways to punish them all? What about Teddy Kennedy? Is he on the No Driving List? We all know he should be. Seriously, I have no idea how I got on this list. But I'm determined to find out!

Gifts For Goths

Via The Morning News, I see there's ACTUALLY a line of hair care products targetted specifically for the goth community. If it weren't for the commentary, I'd cry ....

The only drawback is that having manageable hair will give the recipient one less thing to mope about, but if that translates into a net decrease in the amount of maudlin and self-indulgent poetry he posts to his LiveJournal, then, really, it’s your gift to the entire internet.

NOW, I see the light ....

ADD-ON: If you're gift-giving needs go beyond the goth crowd, consider the gift that keeps on giving (plus makes the last place you'd think needs to smell minty fresh do JUST that!)

I am officially offended.

THIS is a bipartisan instance of extreme ninny-ism. And worse.

Somebody once said that when a problem is assaulted by the appointment of a _______ "Czar", then we've lost the fight with said problem.

February 1st, 2005

I awoke, as usual, to an incessant head-pounding of jackhammer magnitude. Bleary-eyed and with a fluttering gut, I managed to push myself up from the middle of the floor. Two empty bottles of tequila, 3 pizza boxes, an empty can of silly string, one porno mag and, most offensively, a big fat puke stain right on top of the presidential seal. Dammit, I really need to take this job more seriously.

Every night since November has been one long train-wrecked hallucination. This third party candidacy that took off like gangbusters in the middle of October has derailed all the post-election plans I had for….

Wait, who the hell is that? Ah, geez. No question she’s going to be late for her PoliSci class. Oh, well. Not my problem.

“Hey, you…. Beat it. I got a press conference today at like… I dunno, 3:00 or something. You gotta get out of here.”

“Out of where? Oh, yeah. Hey, did the Mexican ambassador ever get th---“

“Look, just amscray, all right?”

She put on her Wellesley College sweatshirt and huddled under a sheet as she gathered her effects. For my part, I opened the door to the office and heard the usual midweek bustle of the most important office in the free world. Time to get cracking. Uh.. after a good shower and some take-out IHOP.

An hour or so later, I am headed back down the hallway to (ahem) get to work. I see the head of my security detail waiting for me: a 6’3 pepper-haired gentleman sporting a “Proxmire RULES!” button.

“So, how’re the tours looking today. Anything good?”

“Not really. Slim pickings, indeed. I’m running a background check on one particular redhead. Seems she donated to the Sierra Club a few years back. I think I can live with that, though. I mean, for an ass like that...”

“Well, good luck. Seen the veep this morning? He and I were supposed to meet for an intelligence briefing.”

“I seriously doubt that’s going to happen. The Intelligence Director hasn’t been seen for at least two weeks.”

“What the hell is Klugeburger up to?!! He was supposed to give us the lowdown on recent traffic across the Pakistan border!!!"

“Yeah, well, once his security clearance for access to the FBI background files came through, he disappeared with boxes and boxes of them. Haven’t seen him since.”

“Maybe he’s in his “undisclosed location.” What’s the line there?”

“That's another problem. Three days into his post, he directed a portion of his budget to construction of a new bunker. We’re, umm… having trouble locating it.”

“What the hell? Just get the contractor on the line!”

“Yeah, see, he contracted the deal out, but only on the condition that each stage of the construction be sub-contracted even further, with diminishing returns on our capacity to track it. We got all the way down to a 5th level team in the Ukraine before the trail stopped.”

A deep sigh emanated from that special reserve of frustration I have for our Intelligence Director. I really ought to have thought that decision out more. Fuck it. Off to the veep’s office anyway.

I got halfway down the hall when I heard the strains of “Rocket Man”… the Phil Collins version of the Billy Joel cover of the Elton John tune. Oy. And upon opening the door to the second most important office in the land (heh), I was immediately greeted with a bottle of Ernest and Julio Gallo Sonoma Estate 1991 Chardonnay (a rather stout choice) to the head, flung from the other side of the room.

“SONUVABITCH, that hurt!! What the hell is the matter with you?!!”

“Not a thing, fucknut! The question is, what the hell is the matter with you?!”

There he sat in all his glorious spendor. He was surrounded by books, PC detritus, and the most offensive assembly of Pier One merchandise I’d ever seen. I mean, really! It was a disgrace to the office. Then I remembered the condition of the presidential seal in my office and felt a tad sheepish.

“So Mr. Klugeburger has made off with all the intelligence files and no one has a clue where he is.”

“I know. Who do you think got him security clearance?”

“Dammit, you know that’s supposed to go through the proper channels!! Why would you do that?

“To piss you off.. why else?”

He said it with that unmistakeable shit-eating grin. And then he started the deep self-satisfied laugh that is always at someone else’s expense. I couldn’t stand that laugh. I wanted to claw his trachea out right then and there and, if he didn’t have at least a 2-1 size advantage over me, I would have. But there were more important things to deal with, so I left him to “wallow in his own crapulence.”

I knew there were more pressing problems. I knew something had to be done. Zweibel/Uber was the ticket that promised freedom from the inaction that plagues every new administration. We were going to get things done, dammit!! And I was going to start right now by orde------

BANG!

*******************************

I woke up surrounded by ballons and inundated with the sickly sweet smell of flowers. Many family and friends with smiles on their faces standing patiently by my bed. And I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my gut as I tried to prop myself up.

“How long have I been out?”

“About a month. We were a little afraid you might not come through. But don’t worry. Everything’s in control at the White House. You VP has handled things… umm…. adequately.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, other than bitchslapping your press secretary, commandeering a network microphone and urinating on Aaron Brown before shouting, “I own you now!” everything seems to be OK.

I laid back in bed and started calculating the payout on executive pension before drifting off. The last thought in my head before going out like a light was that the country was in good hands. After all, it could be worse. I could still be running it.

Cybill Gets Fugly

Hey, remember when Cybill Shepherd was hot?

Well ... not anymore.

Lauren Bacall is a Bitch

Bacall Balks After Kidman Called 'Legend'

How old is a movie legend? Definitely older than 37-year-old Nicole Kidman, according to screen veteran Lauren Bacall (news).

Bacall became irritated during an interview with Britain's GMTV Wednesday when the younger actress was described as "a legend."

"She's not a legend," Bacall said, cutting off interviewer Jenni Falconer in mid-sentence.

"She's a beginner. What is this 'legend'? She can't be a legend at whatever age she is. She can't be a legend, you have to be older."

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr .......

UPDATE: I'm just informed via email that I am the proud winner of a Dogville DVD via Landmark Theaters from a contest I thought was concluded long ago ......... karma anyone???

Geek Horoscopes

Thank goodness for the randomly generated Geek Horoscopes at BBSpot:

Which of you's been BUSY?

Hmm.

Jacko Macking on Nicole?

Jackson tries to woo Kidman

"There was a call from his people to mine asking if he could take me to the Awards.

"I had never even met him, it was a little strange.

Kidman, whose romance with rocker Lenny Kravitz ended earlier this year, admits she doesn't feel tempted to start a relationship with Jackson.

She adds: "I did decline but, hey, the way my love life is I took it as a great compliment.

"I keep thinking of those photographs of Michael in a shocking wig at Disneyland looking ridiculous.

"So call me crazy but it just didn't tempt me to want to accept."

Note to self: divest oneself of any large wig inventories. And just a shout-out to Nicole: I'm still available. Hey, my mom says I'm cool and she wouldn't lie, would she? OK, so my mom never really said that. Still ... what's a guy gotta do to land the ultimate, hottest single mom on earth?

ADD-ON: Nicole shouts back: "Bring it on!" Oh, it is SO on!!!

Daily Funnies

Google, circa 1960

Cheney vs Leahy: How it Really Went Down

OK, I get Andy Warhol, I get Jackson Pollack, but I most certainly do not understand this sh*t.

Uber vs Kirby Vacuum

My commentary in parenthesis:

*ding dong* I scurry to put pants on to open the door...
[random guy in tie] Hi, we're here to clean your carpets
[me] Like hell you are
[r] Are you the homeowner?
[m] I am until the nylon rope wears out.
[r] Well, I'm from Kirby Carpet Cleaning, and we'd like to clean one room of your house. It's free of charge, in fact we get paid to do this.
[m] No thanks. Just bought a carpet cleaner.
[r] Please? I promise if we don't get dirt out of your carpet in 5 minutes we'll leave. (insert commets about Scotchgard, random stuff about some guy named Carlos who would be cleaning the carpets)
[m] No way. I had to run to put on pants just to answer the door. And you can tell by the looks of me that I don't enjoy running. I'm looking forward to removing these pants shortly after closing the door.
[r] That's ok. Carlos wouldn't mind.
[m] Did I mention I'm not wearing underwear (ok, this was a lie)
[r] Oh. Well, I get paid to do this, and I get college credit for doing this. I just need to get one more house done and I get to go home.
[m] Oh really? What college? The college of bullshit?
[r] No, A&M (anyone know if this guy was really full of crap or no?). But come on man, I really just want to get this done and go home. Won't you let me go home? Don't make me beg! (he gets on his knees at this point)
[m] Well I want to go home to!
[r] Oh that's ok, you can go home! (He was feeling like I'd let him in)
[m] Why thanks for your permission. *slam...lock...laugh really loud*

Thanks Kirby Vacuum. I really needed a laugh after today at work

Clowns Invade Houston!!!

Clowns bring joy to many, fear to some

Fear of clowns may get a lot of attention, but it's rare, said Dr. Peter J. Norton, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Houston. He's not even sure how to pronounce "coulrophobia."

"The best guess why people do develop a fear of clowns is that people are designed to recognize faces. So when you get suddenly this really overexaggerated, painted face, it can be distressing. It can be scary for a young child. Then if it's scary enough, it can lead to an ongoing fear," Norton said.

"In a treatment context, I personally haven't seen it," Norton said. Most common phobias are animal phobias among women and height phobias among men, he said, quoting a recent study at the University of Michigan Medical Center.

Circus clown Nock said fear of clowns is just one of those inexplicable things.

"Some people are afraid of doctors, and doctors are only there to help you. Some people are afraid of police officers, and police officers are there to assist and serve and protect. And some people are afraid of clowns. Clowns are there simply to make you laugh," Nock said.

But if you were frightened by a clown as a child, your parents passed along their coulrophobia to you or your fear was triggered by a more recent event, help is out there.

"Fortunately, making the distinction between the phobias, whether they are fear of dogs, flying, heights or fear of clowns is somewhat irrelevant because the treatments really are the same," Norton said. "We've got treatments with incredibly high success rates. Phobias are probably the most treatable of all emotional or psychological conditions."

A good place to call for help: University of Houston Anxiety and Depression Clinics, 713-743-8600.

In light of circus season hitting Houston, I say we need to adopt a clown for each day that it's here. For day one, I think we need to go with everyone's favorite clown: Ouchy the Clown.

Musings on Sonic

A short time ago I was feeling lazy and decided to take a trip to the local Sonic. I believe it was a Tuesday, and they had a half-price burger promotion. So after ordering, the carhop comes to my car with the food, and I pay him. Nothing unusual up to this point, right? Except that the guy kept a dollar. So I asked him about the dollar, and he said "weren't you going to leave a tip?" It was all I could do to not get out of the car and beat him with his own serving tray. After a couple deep breaths, I told him I'd like my dollar back. He got disgusted, and gave me back the dollar. So now, I would like to leave him a tip:

Look, you greasy little burger monkey, if you want extra money, then go work in a place that doesn't require people to sit in their own cars to eat.

End of line

SAFETY FIRST!!

Bridges and Stack - training film possibilities?

If I Had a Hammer

Son of a bitch! I don't normally like to broach politics on this forum, but will someone please take a sledgehammer to Peggy Noonan's hands and keep that insufferably sanctimonious bitch from writing such flaccid twaddle as this ever again?!!!! Geezus, but that fuckin' broad can be the most self-righteous bluenose ever to have cracked that completely fractured disingenuous smile that blowhard dingbats like her specialize in. I mean, I nearly hurled at the maudlin, heavy-handed tripe that emanates from this bloviating screwhead's "contribution" to our collective memory of Reagan. That self-absorbed pap fills me with the instense desire to punch her in the vagina for ever having taken pen to paper. What an utterly wretched and disgraceful load of horse manure! Dammit!

(whew! I feel better.)

YOU CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT THESE LINKS

Just a little "Worst Of The Web" collection:

American Nazi Party - the usual gang...
Eckankar - six or seven California religions in one
Rosicrucianism - this one's been around for decades; get a load of the "creepy temple organ music" (the site's term for the sound cut, really!)
NAMBLA - the National... oh, forget it
ARC - gay white racialists
Nazi.org - Libertarian Nazis? Does anyone know if this is a hoax?
QSB - Queer Skinhead Brotherhood

And Now, For Something Completely Different

Am I the only one who sees a big of suggestive advertising in this old week's worth of Gil Thorp cartoons? (Mon & Tues, at least)

Subservient Chicken in the news ...

Poultry-Geist

I don't even know what to say ... just read it.

Milwaukee's Bravest Sausage Calls It Quits

Woman Hit by Bat in Sausage Race Retiring

Further proof that occassionally, news surpasses comedy ...

Wisconsin's most famous sausage has decided to retire, but she'll always relish the memories.

Mandy Block, the woman in the Italian sausage costume hit with a bat by Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon last July, won't be in the Milwaukee Brewers' sausage races this summer.

She has decided to retire from competitive sausage racing at Miller Park to take psychology classes at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

"It's too bad," Block told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. "It kind of ended with a bang, though."

Block received attention after Simon hit her over the head with his bat as she passed by the visitors' dugout. Veronica Chandler, the hot dog who tripped over Block's fallen sausage, never ran again.

The whacking was broadcast worldwide, but Block brushed aside the controversy, accepting Simon's apology and declaring herself "just a sausage."

Simon was handcuffed by Milwaukee County sheriff's deputies after the game, taken to a police station and fined $432 for disorderly conduct. Major League Baseball suspended him for three days.

Simon sent Block an autographed bat and apologized several times. When he returned to Miller Park later in the season, as a Chicago Cub, he bought a section of fans Italian sausages.

The Curacao Tourism Board offered its own apology, an all expenses-paid trip for Block and Chandler. Simon is from the small Caribbean island.

Block also was recognized by the National Hot Dog & Sausage Council with a certificate of bravery.

"I'm proud of it," Block said. "I didn't even know there was a hot dog council."

Three Things I Need ...

... to make my life complete:

Why Haven't We Scheduled...

The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane
Band Of The Hand
The Rutles (All You Need Is Cash)
Spinal Tap (comeback/return/whatever)
The Loved One (out of print)

What a Waste of a Perfectly Fine Day ...

So there we were, 3 members of this very site sitting on 6 free tickets to take in a screening of Badasss! at River Oaks Theater. In anticipation of a rather entertaining movie experience, I try to round up as many extras as possible. In chatting with Assclown #1, I get an email notifying me that Assclown #2 is bailing out due to work. Assclown #1 has to debate between the movie and gym. I send an invite out to one of the so-called normal people I know. She informs me her decision, too, is between gym and movie. (I suddenly feel like such a sloth) Later that same day, Assclown #3 opts out due to illness. That translates into a potential of 6 attendees down to a likely lone viewer ... me.

At this point, I head out to the theater almost out of defiance. I should have taken the dropouts as an ominous sign. I plot my mass transit strategy to make it to the theater by 7, noting that it'll be a tight squeeze no matter which route I take. After missing a connecting bus by a mere half minute, I note that this day has simply gone to hell in a handbasket. I head home dejected ... not so much at missing a free movie, but in knowing that fate had dealt me a knee to the groin. I debate between heading straight home and just catching up on sleep, or grabbing a bite to eat somewhere in the Galleria area. Dinner won out. My previous defeat at the hands of time make the overpriced dining on mediocre Italian fare a bit inconsequential.

During this eternity of hell, I miss one call from a non-moviegoing friend. Kinda bummed as I don't get to talk to her enough. I call back, no answer. Again ... nothing goes right on this day. Later on, I notice that, once more, I've missed a call (what is it with this crappy phone???). I call back. Alas ... contact. Maybe this conversation will have something to lift my spirits with. I suppose it will have to qualify that I've now been enlisted as backup tech support for a website of administrative professionals. Seems the woman on the other end of the phone didn't want to take on webmaster duties without knowing I'd be available to help out if she got in a jam.

Combine that with the fact that I've officially made the day, week, and month of a reality TV show contestant by building a fan site for her, and I suppose the day isn't a total waste. Moral of the story? Take what you can get, I suppose. Life is a neverending mix of good and bad. Deal with it.

SIDENOTE: I even managed to miss The Darkness on Leno last night. Fear not ... they are on Jimmy Kimmell tonight.

Hell Is ...

... knowing that you need to hold off on doing something that may be vengeful, but holding off temporarily just to see if such action is truly warranted or not.

That holding pattern in between the two decisions is quite infuriating. I'm not one given to fits of rage or other emotional outbursts, but such occassions do occur. On the one hand, I suppose its good that I recognize that self-braking system within myself. But if anyone knows a better method than just saying "let it go for 24 hours, then see how you feel" ... I'm all ears. I seem to find myself in these situations less than a handful of times a year, so my dealing with them hasn't quite gotten to the point of being completely at ease just yet.

Note - while the details contributing to this post may be sealed, they reflect no such reactions to the merry band of participants who contribute to this site. It's the rest of society that seems to be getting on my nerves, as of late.

... oh, further irking me on this matter is that I reach such a state IMMEDIATELY after heating up breakfast in the microwave and then being incensed enough to lose my appetite. The cooling Hot Pockets in front of me stand there, mocking my very state. ARGH!!!!

Super Size Me

Well, it was inevitable in today's climate of taking no personal responsibility for your actions. Perhaps some people saw my Atkins rant as a true complaint of a Subway customer. You have to realize that I like to complain, but that I pretty much despise fast food in all it's forms. So there's no danger of me eating either the Jared special or the Atkins wraps, as I prefer to cook my own meals. I thought it funny the various messages coming out of that conglomerate as to what people should eat. Yes, you have a choice, but when was the last time you saw an advertisement on TV for their BMT sub? Ads are indicative of what the company is trying to sell. Anyway, enough with defending that rant, and on with a movie tidbit.

"Super Size Me" took the Sundance film festival by storm with it's take on just how good (or bad) fast food is for you. The premise of the documentary is that the ordinary joe director ate McDonalds food 3 meals per day for 30 days. If it wasn't offered by the clown, he didn't eat it. As expected, he gained weight and his health deteriorated. Wow, big surprise there.

Do I see this as some brilliant piece of work, some expose on the hidden dangers of fast food? No. I see it as more ammo for Good Morning America to showcase the trend of suing companies because you are an idiot. Until Ronald McDonald comes to my door and shoves a Big Mac down my gullet, blaming him or the company he represents for any weight gain is irresponsible and an unnecessary drain of the legal system's resources. I hope that my compadres here will agree that the concept of personal responsibility is one that we as Americans are, in general, lacking nowadays. Whether it be parents blaming TV for corrupting their kids' minds or fat people suing McDonalds for making fatty foods, people don't seem to realize that the person most responsible for their well-being is themselves. But I guess blaming others for your lot in life is just that much easier.

Author's Note: Yes, I am fat. Fatty fatty fat fat. But that's just part of who I am. Deal with it

In Search Of ... Drinking Advice

OK, I've got a problem. No, not the ones you already have on file. This is a new one. There's a certain holiday coming up that I fully intend on getting plastered on and I've deduced that simple rudimentary beer MAY not be the best way to go about it. First, there's the carbs. There are all of two beers I can truly enjoy: Shiner Bock & Molson Ice ... that's it. Nothing "light" and nothing wimpy.

The full extent of my drinking beyond the realm of beer has involved dabbling Jack Daniels in a glass of Dr Pepper. Its not bad, but the mix is not strong enough to get the desired effect: drunk. Closest I ever got to that state was my first night of drinking ... two wine coolers while watching Holy Grail, and I was buzzed, but that's it. Truth be told, I'm too cheap to be a regular alcoholic. soft drinks are cheaper and taste better for my own palate's interest. But there's an overriding need this time, so I'm casting the net for help.

Here's the criteria ... I've gotten a bit of good advice, but it involves recipes. I'm looking for something that is good to go right out of the bottle and a bit more subtle then isopropyl alcohol. Even sampled one of those Jack Daniels mixed drinks (something like 11.8 proof) last night. What a waste of $1.70!!! I've had stronger Kool Aid (granted, it involved letting it sit for a few days too long).

Anyways ... back to the criteria that I never really listed:

1. Preference is for iced drinks. Cold is in.
2. Whiskey is definitely a plus, rum is a maybe (willing to sample if it looks intriguing enough), vodka & gin I've not tried before, but if convinced it will go down like Sprite, I can be talked into it. Anything else I'm missing ... sell me on it.
3. I refuse to mix anything to the extent that it requires 3 ingredients (ice not included). Two drinks put together, fine. Three or four with a "shot" of anything ... screw it. How the hell am I going to manage that final "over the top" swig if I've got to measure portions while drunk?
4. The more ready-made the drink, the better. Offerings outside of beer are limited to wine coolers and that will likely be the fallback if need be. I'd just like to think that for my first drunken moment, it would be with something cooler than with ... well .. a cooler.

That said, I need another idea to sample soon. Tonight is game night at the ToyBox, so that means Shiner Bock. Wednesday is movie night at the 'Mo which means ... another Shiner Bock. But Thursday, I'm free.

The advice booth is now open .... gimme yer best shot.

Evil Clowns...

Evil Mexican Clowns

Well people, I told you before that clowns were evil. But would any of you actually listen to me? Noooooooo! Here it is, undeniable proof that if you don't go along with the clown's little song and dance that he'll cut you! I'm just waiting for the day when some nutjob decides to do a copycat crime from the 1990 masterpiece Quick Change and holds up a bank wearing a clown costume. People, I beg of you, let us put these carriers of unspeakable evil to rest once and for all. If you see a clown, beat him. If you see a clown with a bunch of kids, lure the clown away using a bottle of liquor (trust me, after being around all those kids the clown will readily agree), then smash the liquor bottle over it's head. Clowns are evil!!!!