ClownCarBlog.com

A Bone WORTH Chewing On ...

The scene: an unidentified Persian restaurant in West Houston.

The setting: Yours truly bribing Uber with a ritzy lunch in exchange for vehicular favors for the day.

The surprise: Leg of lamb (feeds 6-8) ... $120

Guys, this is worth a little debate. I think we all see the need to call an emergency caucus of clowns for dining and updating our joke catalogs. So the question is as follows - do we tough out a leg of lamb between the four of us, or expand the confab to get the sucker down to at least $20 a head?

I'm all for plunking down $30 and dividing that sucker by four. But I turn the question over to the rest of us for a conclusive decision. If we get the details hammered out, I'm more than willing to put some dates up for consideration.

On another note, I'm eager to hear some other views on a serious dispute between myself and Uber. Who wins the following contest of animals: a duck versus a hippo. Mind you, it could be a very angry duck with a sharp bill. And if it alters your conclusion, I'm willing to debate the outcome of a Best of Three Battle Royale: one contest on land, one in water, and one ... I dunno ... mud?

SIDENOTE: This rocked our world over dinner ...

Now it's rocked yours!

SIDENOTE 2.0: After hearing the above song on the jukebox, I contemplated the awesomeness of a Spanish language version of Janis Joplin's "Piece of My Heart." I've yet to find such an animal. This, however, is close enough to weird to win out for now:

Will & Grace fans, take a guess at who the singer is.

Today's Food Story

(from an AP story today)
Headline: N.M. Police Ate Pot Burgers
Associated Press

Two police officers have sued Burger King Corp., claiming they were served hamburgers that had been sprinkled with marijuana.

The lawsuit says Mark Landavazo and Henry Gabaldon, officers for the Isleta Pueblo tribal police, were in uniform and riding in a marked patrol car when they bought meals at the drive-through lane on Oct. 8 of a Burger King restaurant in Los Lunas, N.M.

The officers ate about half of their burgers before discovering marijuana on the meat, the lawsuit said. They used a field test kit to confirm the substance was pot, then went to a hospital for medical evaluations.

"It gives a whole new meaning to the word 'Whopper,'" the officers' attorney, Sam Bregman, said Monday. "The idea that these hoodlums would put marijuana into a hamburger and therefore attempt to impair law enforcement officers trying to do their jobs is outrageous."

Three Burger King employees were arrested and charged with possession of marijuana and aggravated battery on an officer, a felony. They later were indicted.

Officials at Miami-based Burger King declined to comment, citing a company policy against discussing pending litigation.

Copyright 2006 Associated Press.

Clown Sighting

Rudi Lechner's was the site of an appearance by four suspicious persons last evening. Going by the names Wilhelm M. Gaines, Kleinschmidt Burkhalter, Eichmann von Stalag and Col. Wilhelm Klink, these individuals were there to avail themselves of the Wednesday night buffet. The restaurant patrons were bemused by poorly concealed Nazi jokes and other ethnic slurs from these four practically all night; the suspects however fled the premises prior to the arrival of a large black 1936 stretch Mercedes bearing six beefy, foreign-looking types wearing long leather coats, four of which were wearing eye patches.

Various wursts, potato dishes and cabbages were in full effect. A beef goulash was reported by Klink to have been absolutely fantastic. A long beer list was interrogated, and the evening closed with svein Strudelen.

A repeat performance is suspected for either November 8 (beer hall putsch), April 9th (Canaris execution) or June 29th (night of the long knives).

Report From Mr. Huey

(he passes this to his address list from the dark reaches of Arkansas)...

(quote begins)

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNERCHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 -BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 --The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 --This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 €“ No Report

Happy New Year!

Behold ... wine in a can!

This is truly a golden age in which we live ...

Duck Soup

So a web programmer, a bank jockey, a lab rat, and a security guard walk into a Chinese restaurant ...

Not sure how the joke works inbetween the setup and the punchline, but it ends up with a rather well-reviewed restaurant getting a very slow turnaround on a prime table on a rather busy Sunday.

The day started off poorly. I'd injured myself the day before, thereby missing out on adding to my CD collection at an earlier gig. Adding insult to injury (quite literally), the restaurant was not where I'd imagined it. Seems that Southwest Freeway has some oddities with the odd/even numbering system of it's addresses. Odd is supposed to be on the south and east of streets. So what the hell is 8319 Southwest Freeway doing on the northwest side of the freakin' highway? Oddly enough, it was right where Google Earth had it pinned.

I'd departed the bus of my choice and somehow managed to get lost ... on foot. Save for an equally lost Ulysses picking me up alongside the freeway in tears, I'd probably be dining at Long John Silver's instead. Needless to say, the place I thought I recognized the name of the restaurant from was not the place we were to convene. Instead of a well-publicized storefront, this place was tucked safely into a cozy little L-shaped strip center easily missed by ... well, at least half the clown crew.

Be that as it may, our 11:30 party convened at noon and I was hungry for me some duck! Never had the stuff before, and I generally stay away from eating cute animals or animals I've played with in my younger years. Still, something spoke to me about Peking Duck. I draw the line at rabbit, but duck just somehow slipped through my decision set.

Peking Cuisine is noted for their authenticity among the Beijing expats. Not that I've got an extensive set of comparison points with regard to Peking Duck, but I can't complain when the food was pretty darned good. The gameplan seemed to work out just perfectly, with two additional plates (General Tso's Chicken and some beef dish that I didn't get around to) balancing us all out to just about full with a bunch of empty plates to show for it.

Still, we clocked in at a bit over 3 hours, which is easy for this weary band of clowns. Too much to talk about, too much to catch up on, and too much to entertain one another with. It was duly noted that this must be tried on a monthly basis. Since the Peking Duck idea was hatched by Uber and the Clown Caucus concept taken by your's truly, I hereby leave it in the hands of the other half of the cast to determine January's "Feast of the Clowns." I like the idea of the restaurant being a somewhat-to-very adventurous pick (Chinese food not being adventurous, but Peking Duck at least being somewhat of a treat), although the brainstorm of us raiding a Chucky Cheese's has it's allure. Oh, and can we just make a pact right here and now? None of this vegetarian nonsense, ok? I like to know that something other than in addition to the people sitting next to us suffered for our meal.

Duck!

Coming, one week from today .... mmmmmmmmmm

Festival Time!

This weekend, for some odd reason, both the Greek and Italian communities here in Houston decided to put on their annual festivals. This is the first time I can remember both festivals being on the same weekend, but being the trooper I am I decided to try both of them with a lovely companion. One was great, the other mediocre. Which was which? Let me go with my blow-by-blow coverage. Check this out:

Saturday brought cool weather courtesy a cold front that had rolled in late in the week, and a trip downtown to the Greek Festival. We took advantage of the free park & ride shuttle from Lamar High School (thanks, Metro), then headed into the festival. The cost of admission was $3 apiece. The food was excellent, as always. This year I passed on the dinner plate and went with a-la carte items, scarfing a gyros, splitting an order of dolmades and some spanikoptia and tiropita. We passed on the dancing, and went straight to the marketplace where we each stocked up on olive oil, roasted red peppers, and she got some saffron (which is always inexpensive at Greek festival). The prices on all the market items we bought were below the cost of comparable items at the grocery store, and turned out to be a great bargain. We walked around the other shops and whatnot, then picked up a pastry box to take back to people. Total cost of the Greek Festival was around $40 for food and admission, plus what we spent in the market, which doesn't count as this is stuff that was going to be purchased anyway. The fun factor of the Greek festival was a consistantly high 8 out of 10, as the people seem to really be proud of their heritage and after more than just a buck. The food was good quality, the atmosphere festive and the surroundings really put you in the Grecian mood.

Sunday was the Italian Festival. I thought that this festival lost a lot of heart last year when they moved out to the 'burbs, but had to give it another shot this year to know for certain. You may have guessed this is the festival I was not impressed with. But let me tell you why. First of all, they charge for parking. This isn't downtown, it's at the Farm & Ranch Club on Hwy 6 north of I-10. You don't pay for parking in Bear Creek. This same venue hosts the Hot Sauce Festival in September, and that festival didn't charge for parking. Very shady. Next, admission was $5 apiece. I could see it being $5 if you were actually seeing something other than a few statues trucked into a barn and surrounded by rosemary plants, but there was nothing worth seeing for $5. The biggest free attraction was the music, followed closely by the bocce ball games. Sure, that's fun, but it's not $5 of fun. I think, ok, perhaps they just didn't have the venue long enough to decorate it properly, let me check out the food. Surely some locals got together and made a feast worthy of a king. Well, I was wrong again. The food was sub-par, probably below Olive Garden standards. And that, my friends, is very low indeed. Let's see what transgressions they made: First, the salads. At the salad booth was a big bottle of Wish-Bone Italian dressing. You're telling me you people didn't have a grandmother with a blender who couldn't make a vinagrette that would blow the pants off of that dressing? That was pathetic, but let's move on. The eggplant parmesan looked like a premade frozen dish that they just baked after thawing. And right next door to that, at the spaghetti & meatballs booth, the old guy was spooning cheese from a giant jug of Kraft Grated Parm that probably had as much flavor as a big bowl of sawdust. And the most appalling transgression was at the pizza booth. I saw them throwing away take & bake pizza boxes from Randalls. You're kidding me. You're baking take & bake pizza and selling it at the Italian festival? What happened to Italian Pride? We stayed just long enough to watch the pasta eating contest, which I should have entered just to not have to buy a $3 bottle of water, then left vowing to not to return next year. Total cost of the Italian festival came up to around $35, but we had less food, didn't have a box of pastries to take home, and more than anything walked away with the sense that the Italian Festival was just a bunch of fake Italians lookin to make a buck from a bunch of Texans who don't know good Italian food from Chef Boyardee. Screw you Italian Festival, I'm never coming back. Entertainment factor: 2 out of 10, just for the pasta eating contest and the bands.

The moral of the story: skip the Italian festival next year and just go eat a tasty meal at a good Italian Restaurant.

But Maw, It Sez "Healthy!"

I can think of ten things totally wrong with this.

Yes, it's work safe ... but prepare to laugh hysterically.

The Fine Art Of Pho

Did you ever wake up just wanting a bowl of soup? Perhaps a giant steaming bowl of noodle soup? Then have I got the food for you!

Called "Pho", it's a Vietnamese import that can be found in the areas of town with funny-looking street signs and a shortage of cats. You walk in, get funny looks for being the only white guy, and order by pointing at pictures on a menu. What you get, however, will be an inexpensive, tasty soup. But not just any soup. We're talking rice noodles, some type of beef, broth, and all the do-it-yourself accompaniments. These addons include some form of bean sprout, jalapeno slices and a big batch of fresh herbs. Typically you'll find cilantro and an anise leaf in the herbs. The broth is rich and hearty, the beef pieces from various sections of a cow, and the herbs add a medicinal quality to the soup. This soup is eaten with a pair of chopsticks and a giant spoon, and slurping is not rude. Often times you will find people adding either a hoisin sauce or a sriracha sauce to their soup (the former for sweetness, the latter for heat). And how much is a giant steaming bowl of soup going to cost you? If you go to the non-americanized versions of a Pho house, you'll wind up getting change from your fiver. Sure, soup doesn't have the spark that a rack of lamb does, but sometimes it's just what the body and soul is calling for.

Fudge Heaven

Is this one step removed from having an IV of straight fudge hooked up to one's body?

Liveblogging Breakfast

Breakfast at Kaveh Kanes as I type ... the Breakfast Quesadilla gets 10 thumbs up after a mere one bite. There's tons of it left, too. I've been deprived of this for WAY too long. Sundays are now a regular event here.

Less than Random Dining Note

Montrose Diner ... less than impressed with it, I was.

Random Dining Note ...

I'd intended to pamper myself this weekend - at least one day out of it. Thought I'd spend Saturday book shopping and picking a nice restaurant. Plan A was to hit Rice Village. Didn't happen. Slept a lot on Saturday. Plan B was to hit the Barnes & Noble in West U on Sunday and settle on a restaurant between here and there. I went, couldn't find a book to save my life and dining ended up being at Taco Bell.

Monday rolled around, decided I'd hit the Galleria. Found a book at the B&N there ("Fortune Favors the Bold" - Lester Thurow) and dined rather splendidly at the Cheesecake Factory. The Crusted Chicken Romano was entirely splendid. No room left for what I hoped to be a Chocolate Tuxedo Cheesecake chaser. And worth passing along, the new restaurant that now occupies what was FAO Schwartz (name forgotten) looks worth a visit. Similar pricing to Cheesecake Factory, so it's not quite on the A-list for Clown Gatherings.

Still ... mission accomplished for the weekend.

Here's The Beef

Couldn't resist putting this one under the 'food' heading...

Menu Problem

Starbucks' Latest Niche: Alcoholics

We always knew they'd eventually tap into the assclown market ... now our fears are confirmed. Time to re-up those Starbucks cards, gentlemen ....

Mexican Food: The Traditional Christmas Eve Dinner

Fine dining tonight at Taqueria Mexico near the corner of Bellaire & Hillcroft ... any co-conspirators seeking above average dining before dealing with family and whatnot, drop a comment or email me. Thinking 7ish.

Redefining "Cold Turkey"

Man Charged With Sandwich Rage in Houston Dec 10, 9:38 AM (ET)

HOUSTON (AP) - Road rage? Try restaurant rage. A 34-year-old man apparently angry that his $6 steak and cheese sandwich was too cold was arrested on a charge of threatening to kill the restaurant manager Wednesday.

Police said the manager offered to reheat Devlin B. Nelson's sandwich or make him a new one when he complained. Authorities allege he instead demanded a refund, threw the sandwich at the manager, then threatened to kill her and blow up the restaurant.

Nelson, a Houston public works employee, has been relieved of his duties pending the outcome of the investigation. He remained in custody Thursday.

Just for Uber ....

[Stewie is sitting in between Meg and Peter dressed like a prostitute]
[to Meg] "It's eerie, isn't it. Like looking into the future."

Restaurant Review: Pang Tai

Rare is the day when one gets to be among the first on the block with a restaurant review. Such is the case today with one of Houston's newest digs in the Westchase area. Pang Tai's exists in a brand-spanking new building in the Westchase shopping center. The newness shows and is worth soaking in (that is, before one locates the bar ... and soaks in THAT!). Right in the middle of the joint is a reflecting pool that exudes calmness. I'm greeted at the door by two young lovely hostesses, locate my compatriot for this adventure ... skulking in the background no less. The overall sense of the place is that of too-new-to-be-new. Everything ... literally everything ... is new. Its eerily weird (as opposed to just plain vanilla weird). We set a time for an early dinner and at the start of the night, the place has a predictably low population density. By the time we left, this place was packed at around 75% and I expected the waitress to direct us to the bar in order to free up a table. Not bad for a place that only opened up at the first of this month.

As for myself, I ordered the do-it-yourself stir fry deal. The place is a Thai stir-fry setup, but the food is perhaps better defined as a fusion of various asian models of food. There's something for every degree of pain tolerance of spiciness. Ralphie ordered the Lemon Chicken stir fry thing, and I'll let him tackle that one if he chooses. I sampled the chicken alone and thought it to be a tad too drab for the tangier sweet & sour chicken combo I had ordered. I found the D.I.Y. stir fry adventure to be pretty interesting. Deal is, you get this funky looking two-bowl setup, you walk up to the veggie bar, load up on veggies for the big bowl and dump a sauce into the smaller one. Couple of oddities: they say pick only six veggies. But why and where are the enforcement on this? There's only about a dozen or so veggies to choose from, the bowl establishes the size limit, so what gives? Secondly, you're encouraged to pick out the sauce beforehand. But you later provide your own sauce for the smaller bowl. Why bother picking this out with my waitress when I can rather view the assortment and spot any that don't have a fly in them? (Point of fairness, the place was pristine clean, no flies abound ... I jest). Anyways, after one is done picking and choosing, you hand this bounty off to a middleman who deposits it with a chef who adds whatever dead animal you've selected and mixes everything together for you behind the magic wall. A few minutes later, voila! The sweet & sour sauce was great for my choosing, an all-the-better fit with the chicken. The chicken itself was portioned a tad stingily, I thought. Also stingy was the portion of rice, which is served separately, allowing the dining patron to mix everything at his or her whim. I mixed mine up like my fork was a frappe blender, picking out every last veggie I had added. I prefer the ambience of vegetables, but not vegetables themself ... same with burgers - I'll get it with everything on, and scrape off anything that doesn't go "Moo!" Ralphie sampled his chicken with not a trace of rice, which I thought to be odd. But since Ralphie is odd to begin with, this merely adds a small wrinkle to the storyline of his life. I used up all my rice and was left wanting more. If you're a rice addict like me, try asking for a second bowl.

Portion size were the only drawback here. It wasn't bad, but it just wasn't great. Recommendation, perhaps ... get an appetizer. We did: popcorn shrimp with ginger sauce. Not bad stuff. Not great, but not bad. In the end, I didn't leave feeling like I'd eaten too much, which is probably for the best. I debated topping everything off with my preferred Starbucks drink of choice later on, but after a hard night of shopping after dinner, I was set to call it a night. I'll give this joint 7 thumbs up (out of 10). Not a bad place to spoil yourself without feeling indulgent, if that makes any sense. Total tab for two dinners, one soda, and an appetizer: about $26. Way less than I thought I'd be spending, and perhaps a pleasant enough surprise to make me forget about the relatively minor shortcomings. Be sure to check it out. Definitely worth a stop if your in the neighborhood.

And with that, I'm now taking recommendations for future "spoil yourself silly" dining ideas.

SIDENOTE: For those vegans among us, the D.I.Y. stir fry option does allow for a Vegetarian version.

Wining And Dining One's Self

Yesterday was Spoil Myself Silly Day. Not sure if its a designated federal holiday, but it damn well should be. Convinced myself (or conned myself ... to be determined later, I suppose) that if I stuck to a little bit of excercise and watching my food intake, that I'd go nuts by the next payday. So with two solid weeks of eating like a parakeet and exposing myself to the hot & humid Houston weather that has singlehandedly been known to cause weight loss, I put one check in the bank and headed off to the fanciest restaurant I could think to spoil myself.

Plans involved dropping myself into Houston's Carillion Shopping Center and taking my pick of dining options. I wasn't sure exactly what I was hungry for, so I did what any illogical person might do ... I asked others to think for me. Uber was of no help ... bastard that he is. Lacking input from him, I turned to a bright legal eagle hottie from points elsewhere who was more than accomodating. Granted, some of these places were local, so she wasn't overly familiar with the non-chain restaurants. But the warm & fuzzy feeling I got from pondering the Italian joint on the map was seconded well enough to warrant it as the front runner. I had a hankering for an Outback steak & onion, but given that I was flying solo and had an accompaniment of reading material, I was looking for something typically quieter. On that front, I was not disappointed.

Forno's of Italy is, perhaps, an overrated restaurant ... at least by my singular experience. The atmosphere is nice. The waitstaff professional, and the setting very relaxed and cozy. So what was lacking? Sadly, the food. It wasn't bad ... it just wasn't as top notch as one might be excused for thinking.

Today being a pig-out reward day, I splurged a little. The obligatory salad was ok, not great, but ok. Dressing was better than average, but the actual green stuff was done so-so. Portioning was good enough. Nothing wrong with average on this front, typically. There's only so much you can do with a starter salad, I suppose.

In full pig-out mode, I opted for an appetizer of cheese bread. I was a little nervous due to the complimentary rolls being the type that one can play hockey or baseball with, technically softball might be the best example due to size. Good bread, I just hate working through a protective shell that would have made Darth Vader's Death Star safer had it been encompassed with the same bread crust. That said, the appetizer was a nice guilty pleasure. Poor planning on my part that it was a filling appetizer, but I was throwing caution to the wind on this night. The dipping sauce (italian) was literally addictive.

So then we get to the main course for the night ... veal parmegian. I wanted to veer a little away from the standard spaghetti, lasagna, and such ... although I'm tempted by manicotti at every turn into an Italian restaurant. I needed more of a dead animal on my plate this evening, however, and veal was close enough to the animal kingdom.

Sadly, though ... I've had better veal parmegian. Hate to say that, but I have. I've also had better pasta. The sauce, again ... addictive. I had little problem finishing the plate off. I noticed right about the time I stuffed the last bite into my gourd that my stomach was telling me the night was over. Perfect timing when it comes to killing a diet. On the whole, the veal was a little thin, a little plain, and nothing really to write home about (unless, of course, I send a link to this blog post to home, which really obscures the point). It wasn't bad, it just wasn't something I pat myself on the back for spoiling myself over. Mind you, I can be picky when it comes to things of this nature. Make of it what you will.

After paying my tab ($25 after a generous tip for excellent and attentive service), I was off to contemplate whether I should dare fit either a chocolate shake or another one of Starbucks' Double Chocolate Chip Blended Creme concoctions into myself. I opted for safety and headed home to do laundry. Perhaps a move for the wiser. I still need a chocolate fix like a junkie needs that last shot of heroin, but I at least smell mountain fresh.

Hell Is ...

Hell is going to Starbucks on an empty stomach because a) its attached to a Barnes & Noble and I need a new book and b) the Double Chocolate Chip Blended Creme concoction is essentially heaven from a blender (and filling enough to get me through to a real dinner).

Problem ensues when the barrista hands me my frozen bounty and after one sip, I discover that she's mistakenly made it with coffee flavor instead of just straight chocolate (like its supposed to be done). So why don't I just return to the counter and explain this predicament to her?

Because I'm a guy, that's why. Seems our lovely barrista had the loveliest smile and I could not do a damn thing to wipe it away from her in the slightest. She was hot (yet not in that intimidating "out of my league" way), she was upbeat and pleasant to be around from the second I passed the B&N/Starbucks gateway to the time I left.

I hate coffee. Despise it even. I managed to suck down a fraction of my Venti-sized drink before calling it a day, taking my literary finds to the counter and exiting ($36 poorer, no less). I still love that barrista (and the Double Chocolate Chip Blended Creme), so I'm letting this one slide. Next time, though ... I'm going to walk right back up to that counter, apologize for the inconvenience, preface my remarks way beyond coherence, and make up some lie about having to buy another drink for my imaginary friend ... but without the coffee flavoring. That'll teach her!

Good News for Vegans

Well, I'm seriously rethinking this whole vegetarian diet now ...

Batter - Coated Fries OK'd As Vegetable By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS Published: June 15, 2004

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Batter-coated french fries are a fresh vegetable, according to the Agriculture Department, which has a federal judge's ruling to back it up.

But the department said Tuesday that the classification applies only to rules of commerce, not nutrition, and it doesn't consider an order of fries the same as an apple in school lunches.

The ruling last week by federal District Judge Richard Schell in Beaumont, Texas, allowed batter-coated french fries to be considered fresh vegetables under the Perishable Agricultural Commodities Act. Most other frozen fries had been on the list since 1996.

Regulations under the law help to assure buyers of commodities such as french fries that they are getting what they ordered, said George Chartier, a spokesman for the department's Agricultural Marketing Service. Frozen fries are fresh simply because they don't meet the standard necessary for them to be listed as processed, and adding batter to the fries does not change the classification, he said.

The commodities act does not apply to nutrition, where batter-coated french fries are still considered processed food.

The department does not plan to repeat its experience in trying to classify ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches, Chartier said. The ketchup-as-vegetable proposal was put forward in the Reagan administration, and the department dropped the idea after it found itself not only opposed but laughed at.

The department's proposal to list batter-coated fries as fresh under the commodities act provisions was challenged by a Dallas-area food distributor, Fleming Companies. The company is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy reorganization, and the law requires creditors who sold fresh fruits and vegetables to be paid in full, while other creditors might get partial payment, said Fleming Companies' lawyer, Tim Elliott of Chicago.

Fleming Companies plans to appeal, Elliott said. The law was intended to protect growers of fruits and vegetables, especially small farmers, and the ruling misconstrues the act's intent, he said.

"It's unfathomable to me that, when Congress passed this law in 1930 and used the term `fresh vegetable,' they ever could have conceived that large food-processing companies could have convinced USDA that a frozen battered french fry fell into that definition,'' Elliott said.

Although Fleming Companies sold the fries to supermarkets, most are eaten in fast food restaurants, Elliott said. The coating makes the fry crunchy and adds flavor, he said.

The Carbohydrate Manifesto

The Carbohydrate Manifesto

God Bless this take on food ... I've long been of the opinion that any diet that forbids or restricts my love of Italian food is one not worth exploring. Besides, everyone knows diets don't work. Excercise is where it's at if you really, truly want to cut down on the workload of that bathroom scale.

Anyways, back to the original post. Today, apparently, is NATIONAL CARB AWARENESS DAY. Not a day too soon if you ask me. The poster has a nice little movie to make his point. I think I'll celebrate by hitting the cheap-ass Italian buffet place here in Westchase after work. Then I'll waddle on home and dream about jogging off the carbs I just took in.

Reminds me, I've not weighed myself lately and I probably should. I know I've lost weight over the last few months. I'm just a tad worried that the scale won't agree with me in regards to precisely how much weight has been lost. Secrets of the success? I'll unveil my "Walk Around a Lot" excercise program later on. The sequel may well involve the title of "Live in Houston and Endure Its Unbearable Heat" ... or something like that.

Noodles Rule? Yes, Yes They Do...

As a start to a bachelor's evening out, one of the common stops is to fuel up for the night ahead. However, you often don't want to be stuck in a dimly lit restaurant with the guys surrounded by couples who are making goo-goo eyes at each other over the requisite tabletop candle. You typically also want to avoid most fast food restaurants, as you will commonly find yourself surrounded by a dozen or so members of a local little league team. To that you must add price constraints, and you have what would seem like a narrow selection of restaurants. Prior to a movie at the Angelika, Thrillhouse and I were debating the usual trip to Hard Rock Cafe, as it is so close. When I balked, he suggested an alternative I hadn't heard of: Jenni's Noodle House. I'm glad I threw caution to the wind and tried this hidden gem.

The description I was initially given of this place was "a gay noodle house". Being the open-minded person that I am, I couldn't care less who the clientele is and was just looking for some tasty food. After a briefing of their menu on their very informative website, I walked into the restaurant prepared for a good culinary experience, with perhaps an interesting atmosphere. What I got in the dinner department was no disappointment.

The first thing tried were the fried Chicken Disco Dumplings. These were served with a jalapeno-ginger soy sauce which put out just enough heat and saltiness to mesh with the crispy dumpling and tender filling. When it came time to order the entree, I opted for one of the $6 deals, the Vermilicelli Salad w/ Grilled Chicken, in contrast to my buddy's choice of a high dollar $9 entree, Ginger Chicken. Now, I'm not one to go sharing food with most people, so I opted not to suggest a taste test of his Ginger Chicken. I also ordered a side of Dream Rolls. The Salad was done well, although I could have used more peanuts on the salad. Instead of eating it with the fish sauce, I opted for more jalapeno-ginger soy, and it meshed well. The fresh vegetables on the salad were nice and crisp, showing that the salad had been prepared just moments before. The chicken, while it was what was advertised, was a little on the mild side for me. A little hot sauce cleared that problem up posthaste. The Dream Rolls were, in my opinion, the highlight of the meal. The delicate combination of the tofu, mushrooms, mint and noodles wrapped in rice paper was a refreshing change from the standard deep-fried eggrolls you typically see in Asian restaurants. I especially liked them as-is, without any soy or hot sauce. To wrap up our meal, we decided to split an order of steamed beef disco dumplings. Our waiter suggested eating these with the hot sauce, as it provided the right kick for the heavier beef. I have to say I disagreed with his assessment. The dumplings were pleasantly seasoned as-is.

Sadly, the atmosphere of the place was rather subdued for Friday, dubbed Boa Night. I imagine this had to do with the somewhat early hour we chose more than the staff and customers. As we were leaving the restaurant, there were several carloads of college students arriving to get their Friday night fix of Jenni's Noodles. I imagine that the party started shortly after we left, and look forward to returning for the festivities in the near future.

Pappas Burgers

I couldn't possibly do a restaurant review with the expertise of our resident food specialist Uber, especially when the extent of my own cooking ability goes not much further than "pour Cheerios into bowl," but I want to pimp this burger joint I tried out last Saturday.

Jr. and I were looking for a lunch spot and it occured to me that I had a Pappas discount card courtesy of my brother. I guess I hadn't really thought about the burger place they have, since I've been to a couple of their other franchises and have not been impressed. The food has been OK, but usually ranges beyond my acceptable boundary of spicy. But I figured they ought to be able to keep a burger under control, so I'd give it a stab.

The set-up of this location (5815 Westheimer Rd) is somewhat akin to Fuddrucker's, though not as expansive. You order up at the counter, with the wrinkle that you then take the ticket with you to a table and a waitress brings the ticket to the kitchen. OK, not sure why the intermediate step is necessary, but whatever. Other difference is that the layout is more agreeable for checking out any of the number of TVs in the joint broadcasting whatever sports events are available. NBA playoff action makes Ulysses happy.

Service was adequate if disinterested. Refills were given, but not usually with a smile, and it was almost like the waitress was an extra from Westworld. Eh, whatever. I like a full glass, but don't really care whether I make an interpersonal connection with the help.

Jr. had the kids' cheese quesadillas, which she seemed to enjoy, but the cheese was a bit flaky and not as warm as she'd have preferred. The presentation was nothing special either, and they looked like the Spanish equivalent of a grilled cheese sandwich - which I suppose they are.

I had the cheeseburger and fries, figuring that ought to be what they're best at - and also because I am the most boring person alive. I can safely say that, despite one recurring flaw, the hamburger was the best I've ever had. Perfectly cooked, with just the proper splash of lettuce, mayo and cheese that I requested, and the meat was in fact a tad more flavorful than I'd expected. Not spicy per se, but jazzed up a shade more than I'd have figured I liked. It worked for me. The one complaint I have is that the burger was sprinkled in a few spots with those odd, tiny non-edible grains you occasionally get with ground beef. I don't know why they were more prevalent here than at other places, but they did instill a slight hesitancy with each progressive bite as I'd assumed the early couple to be an anomaly. Apparently not. I'll leave it to the food experts to explain what those are and what can be done to minimize their presence. Is it that Pappa's uses cheap beef? If so, they do more with it than anyone else I know, because that burger was still damn good.

Fries were thin and very salty - which is how I like 'em. Had an almost shoestring potato feel to them, and I really couldn't load up on them as that burger really did fill me up. No question that the portions are adequate.

The price is probably just a notch higher than Fuddrucker's, but probably worth it if you take your hamburger-eating seriously. I ended up holding on to my discount card figuring that, since I had the cash now, I'd save the card for a day when I'm low on funds but want more than the usual $.79 taco.

This place has definitely moved into the rotation of the half-dozen places that the kid and I will frequent. We're not much for trying new things, but every now and then a hunch pays off. Certainly that is the case here.

More reviews of Pappas Burgers

Luck O' The Irish

Well people, I'm back. You may have wondered where I've been these last few weeks. Turns out that going to Mexico and trying to smuggle back a trunkload full of midgets for the purposes of selling them to bars is a crime. Now what are the drunken patrons going to toss to pass the time? It's a sad sad world we live in.

Anyway, while I was gone, the blessed holiday of St. Patrick's Day came and went. And with it came the annual sale on corned beef brisket. Now, I know that people in the southwest hear the word brisket and think barbecue, but corned beef is most definately not a meat best served off the grill. You may have even picked up one of these puppies in the last few weeks when you saw them on sale at your local store thinking that you could smoke it one weekend. To do so would destroy the delicate spice balance that is a corned beef.

When you go to the store to buy your corned beef, there's a couple things you will notice. First of all, you generally don't buy a whole brisket when buying corned beef. You can purchase either the flat or the point. The flat is generally a slightly better cut of meat, but the point is what I typically go after for economic reasons. Also, if you know what you're doing, you can typically cook either and have them turn out spectacular. Since the basis of this is a brisket, visible fat on the meat is not a problem. What you want to look for is a thick layer of fat on one side of the meat, but not a lot of fat marbled throughout the main chunk of meat. While you're at the store, get some carrots, some potatoes and some cabbage. Oh, and some rye bread wouldn't hurt either, unless you're going to make a loaf of irish soda bread

The first thing you may notice when you look at a corned beef is that it's an odd shade of red. Upon opening the pack, you will probably see a bunch of red goo around the brisket as well. Don't fear the goo, it's just a bit of the nitrite goo that is used to treat the meat to make it corned beef. You may also see a little package of seeds that comes with the brisket. Don't throw that away, but rinse it off for use.

Anyway, with most corned beef briskets, there's a simple procedure for preparation and cooking. First of all, you remove the beef from the package, and trim all the big chunks of visible fat from the meat. These chunks of fat I typically discard. Next, place the brisket into either a slow cooker or a pot with a lid. Yes Virginia, we're going to cook this thing Irish style, and that means boiling that chunk of meat until it's tasty. Next, you're going to sprinkle the top of the corned beef with the spices from that little packet. Just sprinkle them right on top of the beef, they won't hurt anything. The secret ingredient I find is a necessity when cooking a corned beef is in the liquid you cook with. We're going to actually braise this meat, so you're going to add just enough liquid to cover the meat, then simmer it for a long time (and when I say long time, I typically am talking around 10 hours in a slow cooker, 5 hours on the stove top). Getting back to the liquid, I find that it helps in the tenderization of the meat if you add about a half-cup of vinegar (either plain white vinegar or cidar vinegar work best here), then use fresh water to cover the brisket. Put the lid on the pot, then place it on the stove to cook at a low temperature. You will see the brisket shrink during the cook time. When it's done, it'll be about 75% of the size it was when you started. Once it's done, put the brisket on a plate and set in the microwave to rest. Do not, under any circumstances, throw out that water. That's going to be the basis for our tasty vegetable dinner.

Now, no corned beef dinner would be complete without potatoes, carrots & cabbage. The trick to these veggies is that they take different times to cook. You peel and chunk the potatoes, peel and slice the carrots, and cook these two in boiling water for about 15 minutes or until fork tender. You then pull them out, cut the cabbage head into quarters along the vertical axis, then add that to the water until it's fork tender for you (I find about 5-7 minutes works for me). The secret here is that you're going to add more water to the brisket water, then use that to cook the vegetables. Yes, there will be fat floating on top of the water, but the flavor will be something to behold, and really spices up plain old boiled carrots.

I hope that you'll not shy away from this tasty cut of meat in the future when you see it on sale at your local store. There are just too many tasty uses for corned beef, including the almighty Reuben sandwich, to pass up on buying a brisket when they're on sale. And I hope that this has taken some of the mystery out of how to prepare it. Have fun, and eat well.

Pizza? Pizza? WTF???

Impact of low-carb diets yields 'Pizza in a Bucket'

How do pizza makers plan on adapting to the Atkins fad? By offering pizza in a bucket, apparently. I'm curious to try the low-carb crust options being mentioned, but the other idea here is to do a crustless pizza. Why? Why not just eat a steak? The big money idea here, though, is the pizza in a bucket:

And in Escondido, Calif., John Pontrelli, owner of Pit Stop Pasta, offers what may be a traditionalist's worst nightmare: "pizza in a bucket." It has all the pizza toppings placed in a crock or, for takeout customers, a metal can.

We're one step removed from eating out of a trough at this point.

Pizza Pizza!

My compadres, the time has come for me to share with you one of Houston's culinary treasures. Yes, I said culinary. Most people see the word pizza and think either Cici's or one of the various delivery chains. Now, while this definition of pizza is not necessarily bad and has it's place in the American landscape, sometimes you really have to reach out to get a good pizza. So here we have my method for finding good pizza in Houston:

First things first, you must decide your pizza preference. Are you talking about New York or Chicago style? For the uninitiated, New York is a thin-crust style pizza. It's foldable, usually has fewer toppings, and you eat it with your hands. On a New York pie, you have the crust, sauce, and then toppings. Chicago is just the opposite, as it is a deep dish pizza smothered in toppings and sauce. Your Chicago pizza is often eaten with a fork and knife straight out of a pan, and has toppings galore. It's very thick, much chewier, and has the sauce smothered over the toppings.

In choosing a place to eat, you use your senses to tell whether or not you're walking into a true pizzaria. When you are outside the door, can you smell the garlic & baking crust? If so, continue. Otherwise, just turn around and find somewhere else. When you open the door, do you see a lot of fancywork around the room? Then the place has probably spent it's money on a restaurant that looks good rather than tasty pizza. Can you see the pizza being made? Are the crusts stretched by hand to order, or do they pull them out of a zip lock bag? These are all first warnings for determining a bad pizzaria.

Next you want to contemplate your ordering strategy. I typically go for the NY style pizza, so I would rather have a pizza with few toppings on it. In fact, I feel the best pizza to eat when judging a pizzaria is a plain cheese pizza. Not only can you judge the quality of the basic building blocks, but you won't be spending as much as if you bought one with 2 toppings. Once you've found a pizza place you like, you can then go to adding toppings. On a NY pie, I really enjoy the basic pepperoni & cheese pizza. It has a simple elegance to it, and the cheese glues all the pepperoni down to the pie for less messy consumption. For a Chicago pizza, I prefer a vegetable or meat medley underneath the saucy lifeblood. After all, you're going to be eating this thing with a fork and a knife, so you might as well load up on toppings.

Now another judge of good pizza is price. Yes people, good pizza is more expensive than your Cici's or Papa John's. I expect to have to pay between $10 and $13 for a large cheese pie. Yikes, you say? Well my friends, you sometimes have to pay for quality. Of course, this isn't to say that all good pizza is going to be expensive, or that all expensive pizza is necessarily going to be good. But just be warned that sometimes you have to pay for a better quality product.

You may ask me "Uber, where do you go to satiate your pizza jones?". Well, I'm glad you asked that, my friend. I typically enjoy the NY style pies found at Romano's Pizza on West Gray. It's found in the Kroger shopping center between Montrose and Shepherd. Try a cheese pizza first. I think it's as close to the pizza I had in New York/New Jersey as you can come in the Houston area. For Chicago style pies, perhaps some of the readers could recommend a place? I've had Star Pizza, but would always enjoy another place that's not in the downtown area.

Atkins Wraps

Hey, guess who isn't dead? That's right people, your favorite rambler is back for another opinion column. Now with 30% more fiber, so I'm good for your colon.

Ok people, I've had it up to here with the Atkins diet. Why does the American heartland insist on buying into every fad diet that comes along? And what's more, why do I have to have it shoved in my face every 10 seconds. Let me just vent here for a few paragraphs.

Let's start with a favorite target of mine: Subway. The store that has been producing Jared commercials for the last 4 or 5 years and touting the benefits of a low-fat sub is now pushing Atkins wraps. Now let me get this straight. For the past 5 years you've been telling me to eat this soft sub roll with lots of veggies and low fat meat on it. NOW you're telling me to eat this tortilla wrapped around big hunks of bacon and cheese with mayo and other fatty goo gushing out both sides. Hello, Subway? WHICH IS IT!??! Which should I eat? Should I go eat a wrap? Should I eat a low fat sub? Or perhaps I'll just order bacon and mayo for my sub, and that way I can kill two birds with one stone.

Speaking of killing birds, the absolute king of the absurd commercials the last few months has been Kentucky Fried Chicken (hey, those initials mean something!). They started running a commercial around the November/December time frame touting their fried chicken as healthy. Now here's the fun part: they said it's healthy compared to a Whopper. Of course it's healthy compared to the Whopper! The Whopper has something like 50 grams of fat. I didn't know you could fit that much fat in a single burger, but Burger King has managed to do so. Perhaps they're soaking the bun in grease. Yeah, that's the trick.

Oh yeah, buns. Recently announced was a Burger King initiative to sell the Whopper without a bun. So let me get this straight: I order a hamburger, but don't get the bun. Sounds like a mess to eat. Oh no, they're going to package it differently. It's going to come in a styrofoam container with a fork and a knife. So instead of a burger which you can usually eat with one hand, you have to maneuver a plate and utensils. Just one more thing to distract the hollow-souled soccer moms on the road and increase the chances of them running over me with an SUV.

And on that subject, I'd like to issue a blanket apology for my driving style from the last 4 years. As some of you may know, I recently traded in my truck for a car (Toyota Prius, in case you're interested). Well, since doing that I've noticed how many people in trucks & SUVs tend to disregard things like lanes and stopping distance. I wonder if I used to drive that way. So if I did, my apologies to you all.

Super Bowl is next weekend. Here's to the Carolina Panthers. Good luck to the boys in black & blue.

Fine Dining ....

I meant to do a full-scale restaurant review of one of the plethora of mom & pop taquerias in my neighborhood. There's like a zillion of them, it seems, and I've not eaten at enough of them. As luck would have it, the one I went to cannot be identified online and I'll be damned if I remembered the name of it. But if you're in the vicinity of 6700 Hillcroft, its right next to a Walgreens.

I note this place for a few simple reasons. One centers on the fact that places like this are typically hit or miss for one's taste. The other is that the better ones tend to have some semblence of authenticity to them. This one ranked up there on the scale of local taquerias.

First thing I notice upon arrival is that they don't have soft drinks ... strictly Mexican sodas. I, being the white boy that I am, opt for iced tea. The place didn't have just the garden variety offerings, either. The menu was a little more upscale ... full plates of steaks, a decent seafood sampling, even Mexican-style ribs (I'm not a fan of ribs and yet that intrigues me).

Being the cautious, yet experimental type, I opt for the known quantity ... chicken quesadillos. I'm informed that they're rather small (single tortilla), so I opt for two. I should have gotten a side of rice, but live & learn. The quesadillos were stuffed to the gills and downright yummy. The chips and a good book kept me occupied for a short wait. Oh, and the waitress, after taking my order, apparently had no clue what I ordered as someone else had to come out from back to clarify (what with my Spanish being nonexistant).

Still, the food was good, but the offering wasn't what I had expected. I know I've been spoiled by the fast food chains into thinking everything comes with a side of rice & beans ... unless you're at Taco Bell, which cannot be considered Mexican food in any way shape or form.

My point in offering this here is that since I don't live close enough to a Ruchi's (and I'm talking about potential walking distance ... my apartment is within just such a distance from about 10-15 taquerias), so I'm exploring the mom & pop places for a quality dining option. Just a little burned out on Wendy's, Jack, Whataburger, & Sonic. Oh, and being too lazy to cook counts as my excuse for not going the do-it-yourself route.

One option worth noting is that the inhouse taqueria at Fiesta is not half-bad. Not great, but not half-bad either. The taco truck that parks outside of either the nearest Diamond Shamrock or "unnamed" convenience store is, on the other hand, a shade disappointing. Not that I have lofty expectations for food served out of a truck.

Up next is Taquerias Mexico which is caddycorner to the Walgreens-place on the corner of Hillcroft & Bellaire. I know I tried that place a year or two ago and was disappointed with their quesadillo ... larger, but also greasy as all getout. I'm in need of another menu item to get out of my dietary rut, so hopefully, I'll be a little more venturesome when I attack that place.

Any known experiences with any local mom & pop taquerias, by all means pass them on in the comments. I know there's always a hidden gem out there among this group of restaurants. Finding one, unfortunately, can be a chore.