ClownCarBlog.com

"Psycho Sheep of Butte"

I'm almost too afraid to spend the buck-ninty-nine to find out what this is all about. Any takers braver than I?

Arts Corner with Ralphieboy

Here's an esthetically pleasing view of the Greenbriar Hotel phone block (White Sulphur Springs, WV).

Just Shoot Me

Seriously.

Graphics Test

Apparently she practiced that magic twitch over her right shoulder for a good aim...
(found on blog somewhere with comment "She could ride my broomstick anytime")

GUY THING: update update

In spite of ankle sprain and snot-in-nose disease, work commenced Sat. morning before hurrying over to Main for some overtime. The shelf top was measured and framed on the outside, and a possibly botched attempt was made to even the length of the 2x12 sides. That'll need another try, probably losing 3/4" of height on the whole hutch. But a good start, getting about 25% of the work done in around an hour.

parts list ---
1/4" particleboard top (from stock I had)
1x4 framing boards (Lowe's)
2x12 side supports (stock)
black spray paint (stock)
wood screws, 1" and 1 3/4" (Home Depot)

The Occasional Non-Nazi Posting

It's a guy thing.

Every so often, the dyed-in-the-wool GUY has to engage in carpentry so as to express control over environment and nature. Specifically, he must exert control over high furniture prices.

I must build a hutch to place on top of a table. See, when there's no space anymore on the table, one must use the space between the table and the room's ceiling. Up we go.

Materials: A pack of 3/4" wood screws, a pack of 1" wood screws, 6 precut 4ft. 1x4's, pine or other cheap wood.
(particleboard top and 2x12 upright supports are already in my stock of scrap-to-reuse)
Tools: Borrow the drill and circular saw since I'm without good examples of either.
Paint: already have can of flat black (spray).
Plot: use maintenance barn at work.

Purpose: get computer CPU's off floor, plus provide a place for a printer and a scanner. This will encourage me to fix the printer and the scanner.

Fuzzbucket

Just in case anyone thought I was making this stuff up, I present to you ...

Fuzzbucket!

Old Navy, New Spokesperson

For the record, I am once more a fan of the Old Navy television commercials since they've made Kristin Chenoweth their spokesperson.

Beauty Unmasked

Nifty find here ... images of supermodels before and AFTER the photoshop retouch. Disturbing. Very very very disturbing.

Adventures In Mattress Purchasing

When I bought a new (cheap) innerspring mattress, it therefore became necessary to throw out the old one. In doing so, I noticed the date of manufacture had been stamped on the Serta sticker: October 10, 1963.

Apparently, I'd been sleeping on something only ten years younger than the Korean War stalemate, and about 1.5 months prior in manufacture to the Kennedy assassination.

Beth Speaks ...

Yeah, but which of us ends up doing the book review?

Kudos ....

Kudos to the editors of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review ... you created a headline that was so compelling, I just HAD to click on it to see what the ruckus was about.

Video Game Madness

In this month's Gamepro magazine, there is a feature on video games and how they relate to movies & television. One of the interesting sidebars of the story was a list of movies which would make good games. After reading this sidebar, I thought they were missing a counterpoint to this story, a list of movies and shows which should under NO circumstances be made into video games. Well doggone it, it's the job I was born to do! Read on, faithful surfer.

Clerks - Picture this: an RPG where you have to go to work on your day off, chat it up with the guy in the store next door, chase off stoners and sell cigarettes to children. Turns out you have no real choices in this RPG since you dropped out of college. Game over, slacker. Move out of your mom's basement.

Pump Up The Volume - For this, I'm seeing a Nintendo or Genesis era side scroller where you have to run and jump over the cops, getting to a shed to occasionally "pump up the volume" with your illegal radio station. Bonus points when you go to pick up the mail.

Full Metal Jacket - There is no winning role here. You're either a son-of-a-bitch DI who gets shot halfway through the game, a psycho who shoots himself halfway through the game, or Matthew Modine. Any of those three roles spells loser. Game over, man, game over.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart - Hey, they made CSI and Law & Order into games, why not this one? Gameplay involves doodling on your pad, yelling at the audience, mocking politicians and an occasional deathmatch with Lewis Black for superiority of the set. Bonus points if you get a guest to challenge you to a duel.

2001 - Again, Kubrick makes this list. Why? Simple, his movies are just freaky. I'm envisioning this game as a thrilling race against a death-dealing computer for a half hour, with 1 hour load times before and afterwards. Load times make you want to kick your game machine, thus initiating a preemptive attack on your own personal HAL-9000.

Stayin' Alive - The original list had Saturday Night Fever as a game which should be made, in the vein of DDR. God help us if they do, because then the same people will want to make Stayin' Alive. The only saving grace would be if you could play as either Tony or Butler (the guy who lost the lead role in "Satan's Alley"). Instead of a DDR pad, this video game should come with a cyanide pill with an arsenic chaser.

The Sixth Sense - I'm pretty sure the jig would be up as soon as you walked through your first wall, ghost boy. Geez, how stupid do you have to be.

Titanic - You get to run and jump and frolic for three hours, but in the end the boy dies and the ship sinks. Bonus gameplay - you can be the cellist in the band playing on the deck as the ship sinks into it's icy grave.

Bridget Jones' Diary - A role playing game where you make decisions such as "Wear Granny Panties", "Continue on birth control or skip it to accidentally get pregnant and force a man to commit" and "Throw empty vodka bottle at Mark Darcy or Daniel Cleaver". Game ships with a week's supply of Haagen-Daaz ice cream, because you're probably already depressed if you're playing it.

and finally, the worst movie to make into a video game:

Sophie's Choice - Press Button A or Button B. There is no way to win.

On a side note, there was one video game missing from their list of movies that should be made into games. The classic Shaft. Now wouldn't that be a cool game to play? You've got shooting, gangsters, ladies, and one bodacious soundtrack to groove to.

We're the Red & White From State

The Pirate Captain in runoff for NC State Student Body President

It's always good to see what the Alma Mater is up to. Apparently, they're electing Pirates to Student Government now. When I left, they were just up to awarding Senators who resigned in protest of the government the Student Senator of the Year award (yes, I was the first recipient of that award). I had to double check this story, but apparently they really have gone insane in the Tarheel state. I guess making the first Sweet Sixteen appearance in a decade and a half will drive the campus to enough drinking to kill all remaining brain cells. My only regret: The Pirate Captain didn't get a majority and win the first election outright.

For more coverage, you can also check out The Wolf Web, complete with the announcement video (which is about 56 MB, in case you were thinking of downloading it).

Social Calendar From Hell

So many events to choose from ...

Theologies Involving Lizards Still Frighten Me

Finally, a quiz I'm too afraid to take ...

MORE tales of laptop glory

After a long process in the middle of my move, the infamous Windows ME hard drive has been wiped...

and replaced with a Reiser filesystem (Linux) for good measure. That way, the 98 install program won't have the option of re-using any pre-existing (read: CORRUPT, MISPLACED, INACCURATE, IRRELEVANT, OUTDATED OR STUPIDLY WRITTEN) files or structures, but will have to do a full install - for real, as opposed to what any canned prompts may erroneously claim.

So after the move (2 weeks or so), I'll take it back to the school and borrow a power supply again and see if the thing boots from the 98 install cd. At that point, Thrillhouse will know if I got the Bios to cooperate, if the install worked, and therefore if he should spring for a NEW power supply (remember the recent recall of these little suckers, which argues against buying used).

Isn't this fun?

In the middle of my move...

(occurring between the 5th and the 18 of this month), I thought I'd take time out of my busy schedule to give you

THIS LITERARY NOTE

- not particularly worksafe...

POETRY CORNER

OK, you great unwashed: get some culture. Here's a "poem" from another board to which I contribute when out of liquor...

"The Hissing Of Shot-out Tires"
by Ralphieboy

The drizzle outside paints the street in sparkling mirrors of light
I check the cameras and frequency sweepers; the coast is clear
Some guy is yelling "Long live the new flesh!" in a pink tutu and a space helmet on this unlisted cable channel on monitor 5
James levitates past the window holding a VHS of "Brainsmasher: A Love Story" in one hand and a tube of KY in the other
He yells as he passes "You moron! She sent the photos to buttfuck.com!!"
A redwinged finch sings in a tree, and is vaporized by the contrails of microscopic UFO's
Two or three people attempt to figure out what I mean by all this
Three dozen longshoremen dance down the street singing "I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say No"
The Gods survey all, muttering in unison "Oh shit"
Elton John goes straight
Just kidding on that last one

Challenge!

The Most Comfortable Panties In The World?

Buy me a pair, I'll tell you for sure just how comfortable they are. I guarantee that I will put that "one size fits all" theory to the test.

It's the part I was born to play!

Ladies & Gentlemen...Naked Karaoke is a go!

Who wants to go to Connecticut with me? Come on!

Corey Returns!

Corey Feldman on Childhood Friendship with Michael Jackson

I know ... I know ... we've been waiting for the day when the Great Cory Feldman Comeback would begin.

Brace yourselves!!!!

FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY

... through Sunday Sunday Sunday: it's the

CAR SHOW!!!

I'm there between about 7 and 10 pm toNITE.

The Week Ahead

Wednesday ... the great return of Garbage Pail Kids - The Movie ... only at Alamo! (Ralphie, check your email!!!!)

Friday ... The Donnas in concert!!! ... ironically enough, also the day the Ramones documentary opens at Angelika (I'll be taking it in Saturday night)

Poetry Corner

And now for you culture fans, my contribution to your aesthetic well-being:

From another post on another board, yes - but it's SO brilliant and apropos...

(song based on the TRUE story of sex offender Michael Kenyon's
exploits in 1975 Bloomington, Illinois before caught; this armed
robber, whenever robbing people on a local college campus, would
insist upon giving female victims an enema before letting them go.
Nice guy - and thoughtful, too...?)

(narrated intro by Don Pardo of "Uncle Don" and early Saturday Night Live)

Lyrics:
The Illinois Enema Bandit!
I heard he's on the loose
Lord, the pitiful screams
Of all them college-educated women . . .
Boy, he'd just be tyin' 'em up
(They'd be all bound down!)
Just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
(repeat)

The Illinois Enema Bandit ! heard it on the news !
I heard it on the news
Bloomington Illinois ... he has caused some alarm
Just sneakin' around there
From farm to farm
Got a rubberized bag
And a hose on his arm
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump

(repeat)

The Illinois Enema Bandit
Some day he'll have to pay
Some day he'll have to pay
The police will say, "You're under arrest!"
And the judge would have him for a special guest
The D.A. will order a secret test
And stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest
Then they'll put out a call for the jury folks
And the judge would say, "No poo-poo jokesl"
Then they'll drag in the bandit for all to see,
Saying "on't nobody have no sympathy . . .
HOT SOAPY WATER in the FIRST DEGREE!"
And the Bandit might say, "Why is everbody always pickin' on me?"

WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
One girl shouts: "Let the Bandit be!"
BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY?
TELL ME, WHAT'S YOUR PLEA?
Another girl shouts; "Let fhe friend go free!"

ARE YOU GUILTY?
BANDIT, DID YOU DO THESE DEEDS?
"The Bandit say, "It must be just what they all needs . . ''
etc. repeat

(Ray White, backup vocals): He'd just be
pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the BAG fulla...
He'd just be
pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the BAG fulla...
(repeat)

- Illinois Enema Bandit
Frank Zappa
Zappa In New York (DiscReet Records 1976)

DISCLAIMER:
It's my personal opinion that judge Ted Poe, if allowed to rule on this one, would have turned him over to Ciara and her strap-on. I would have petitioned the court to be documentarian cameraman.

Now That's Convenient!

After safely stalking my way through a local convenience store in order to be in line behind the one really hot chick in the place, I stand at the end of a long line with my soda, breakfast burrito and after-breakfast snack treat, I divert my attention to other sundry goods so as to not be too obvious about my main interest (ok, second if I factor in the burrito).

There, on the wall of the place - I kid you not - was a t-shirt for sale. Kid size small, with a cartoon pic of a sweet little girl on a swing set with the words "Every time I need a lift, God gives me a little push." RIGHT NEXT TO THAT ... a pack of Performax condoms.

I turned around to see if the redhead hottie in front of me would notice (or care) if I picked up one or the other. Long story short ... it was not my day. Dammit ... I need a lift.

Photo Art

Actress commonly associated with "Wonder Woman"...

Sunday Dinner a la Uber

For all who were extended an invite and saw fit to clean the sock drawer instead, you missed an exemplary feed at chez Uber, featuring Chicken Uber, Green Beans Uber and Bread Uber.

You should have been there and were not; I therefore fart in your general direction. Fortunately, not only did I posess an invite but I was motivated to be on the west side due to a certain criminal investigation going down on the east side...

And I once again took this opportunity to phone Ulysses for the Uber phone number, which I had anyway but still called for, in line with my traditional request of Ulysses to provide unpredictable items of info at inopportune times. This reminds me of the time I called him at 9pm on a Tuesday night and asked if he knew if Loudon Wainright had covered "Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown" or not. Or if he knew the song set of the opener band at the Communist Party's nomination convention this year. Or if he had a connection in the SCO Unix company, in order to satisfy my curiousity about certain dirty limericks in the comment sections of a few out-of-the-way video configuration files.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Good Bets: PRISCILLA: QUEEN OF THE DESERT

If only to see what the actor (Hugo Weaving) who did the agent in MATRIX (one) was doing in Australia at one time, this one is one to which you should return now and again. A journey of self-discovery leading through outback deserts and villages, mountaintops and city streets, the plot offers life lessons framed by music and events in the lives of three Melbourne drag artists. If you can wrap up an episode of your life on stage in costume and shaking it to "MOMMA MIA", you're a success.

Impending Matter

Inner Sanctum Initiates: there is a plan afoot to honor K. with a birthday observance of some sort upon the night of Friday. Follow her LJ for details; review lawyer contacts to mitigate possible arrest issues Sat. morn.

Infrequent Movie Update

With the backlog of movies I need to take in now leading me to eye the dollar cinemas and DVD shelves, I'm gonna take another stab at this with a weekend or so of spoiling myself coming up soon:

July 16: Napoleon Dynamite opens at Landmark. This is not to be missed, folks. I, Robot is also out in the major chains. Still debating that one. Not my normal cup of tea, but Isaac Asimov has a uniqueness to his work that is either to be appreciated or despised, with little gray area inbetween.

Hopefully, the dollar cinemas will have something better than Soul Plane playing. I'm pretty sure I can still catch a few in the major chains. Dodgeball and Saved among them. Might have to plan a long day at the theaters by then.

One movie worth watching out for further down the road: August 20th gives us Exorcist: The Beginning. Dunno about the scary quotient it may have, but it ought to be a nice prequel to fill out the story some.

On the topic of movies, some brief reviews of DVDs offered on loan to me:

Janet Jackson's Boob Was The Tip of the Iceberg!

Well, we all knew it would happen sooner or later, but someone has finally taken it to the next level.

(Not entirely work-safe)

Those Wacky Indonesians

Colin Powell To Star In Can't Stop The Music 2?

Move over, David Hodo. There's a new construction worker in town. And he's got a jackhammer of foreign policy ready to split you right down to the core.

Seriously though, am I the only one who really wants to see video footage of the drunken Russians?

The Second Coming

The moment we've all been waiting for (there's no denying it) ... Andy Kaufman returns!!!!!

The Evolution Of High Society

How has the web gone from dinosaur pictures and a phone book to this? This just goes to show that the net is shaping up to be the greatest repository of knowledge (both real and made-up) in the history of mankind. Props to Jen for pointing out the site.

On another note, Forbidden Zone is playing this weekend at the River Oaks. I believe we will have a quorum of Clowns in attendance for Friday night's show. How can you say no to Oingo Boingo?

Just To Make Everyone's Head Explode ...

Three tidbits to pass on that should confuse, confound, and befuddle:

Pac Manhattan

Quick, After Him: Pac-Man Went Thataway

ne recent sunny morning, in the student center overlooking Washington Square Park, four New York University graduate students wearing brightly colored sheets and sneakers and carrying cellphones gathered for a mission.

Somewhere out there on the streets of Greenwich Village, a fellow student was running around in a yellow Pac-Man suit. His four pursuers, code-named Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde, aimed to track him down and snuff him out — the sooner, the better.

"Our strategy is a dragnet to block all the roads Pac-Man might go down," said Michael Olson, a k a Clyde the ghost. "You take that street," he said to Pinky, as he pointed to a map of the Village. "And I'll take this one."

So began a test run for a game of Pac-Manhattan, a real-world version of the 1980's video game played on the streets of New York and the latest example of a so-called "big game": a contest that uses wireless devices like cellphones and global positioning beacons to track players as they move through the urban grid, turning cities into vast game boards. Big games, with some players online and others pounding the pavement, have been staged in the last year in Minneapolis, Las Vegas and London.

Words truly fail me.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

David Gill, star of the Beautiful Creatures production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch, displayed his rather broad shoulders in the preview performance of the show at Fitzgerald's Thursday night and it almost seemed as if he would carry the entire show on them. He was the brightest spot in this incarnation of John Cameron Mitchell's 1998 rock musical that desperately needs more from everyone else involved - and in most cases, it appears that this is simply not possible.

For the purposes of full disclosure, I should mention that I was originally slated to be in the band for this show and pulled out for reasons of time and commitment. I offered my services to the director and producer in an advisory capacity and I dearly wish they'd taken me up on it. Do I know Hedwig better than they do? No, I do not. But there are weaknesses in this show that are so glaringly obvious that I am stunned they have not taken the more drastic measures necessary to correct them. I don't know whether to assume that they are unaware of these cracks or are willfully ignoring them just to get this show off the ground. In either case, my offer still stands.

The band needs work all the way around. Having been privy at rehearsals to the talent on board, I knew that getting them up to speed was going to be a Herculean task. It didn't get there. I figured it would be a struggle even just to learn a few of the songs, but at least attempts were made on the whole set. The drummer, Tiny Flowers, did in fact improve noticeably from the first practice, but he is still not up to the job. No musical will succeed when the timing on nearly every song is so shaky it's like Michael J. Fox after a double espresso. Intros and exits from songs are very unstable and these points should be established more clearly even if it means creating minute gaps in the dialog.

Louis Weyrich gamely attempts to reproduce the score literally and should have taken more latitude in giving the songs his own voice. He has not perfected his playing to the point that one can relax with the song in his hands. He is hampered already by a serious lack of rhythm on the keyboards and having an unsettled drummer doesn't help. Granted, it�s the first performance, but one should be able to play the intro to "Wicked Little Town" without that much trouble. I sat down at mom's about two weeks ago and played it to better effect having never even tried it before on the piano. (That may sound self-flattering, but I leave open an offer to play it for anyone who asks and will be satisfied to let him or her judge for themselves.) Sadly, this means that the loveliest song in the entire score is DOA. The same goes for "Wig in a Box," the defining song of this show. This beautiful melody was strangled, suffocated and left for dead right there on stage. Very sad indeed.

Jenny Schlein has a fantastic look for this show and presents herself confidently in the numbers where... well, the numbers where she actually knows what she's doing. Her posture is exactly indicative of her level of confidence. She's out there front and center rockin on "Tear Me Down" and "Angry Inch," but she recedes to the wings especially during "Wig in a Box". Too many times in this show, she drops out completely and the song is left with no foundation whatsoever. As a bassist in my previous life, I know enough to at least play the foundation if you can't add any flourish, but it appears that she just did not learn entire parts of songs. This really hurt the softer numbers. (Please let me walk her through "Wig in a Box"... PLEASE!)

The guitarist, Eric Allen, seems to have followed Louis' lead in trying to play exactly as the score dictates. If he had succeeded, I'd have applauded him generously. There weren't any definable screw-ups on his part, but his guitar fell sharply out of tune by the end of "Origin of Love" and that made for yet another weak outro. He did handle the harder parts well and looks like the kinda guy who's more comfortable with power chords than delicate arpeggios.

The only time I enjoyed the music was during "Sugar Daddy" and "Angry Inch" - the two simplest songs. I think what hurts this show most is the inherent proportion of ability to success: the more difficult, the more delicate, the more complicated the song, the worse it sounded.

The venue for this show is adequate for the purpose of the atmospheric dimension and it appears that Fitz's has made some accommodations to stage it. It looks as though this set could double for a staging of Pink Floyd's The Wall, replete with lazy-boy chair and a half-wall in front of the stage that could have been built up to the ceiling with bricks.

Dave's costume and wigs were well put together and his make-up was good, but somewhat washed out by the yellowish lighting. Still, kudos to Mina Devantier and Maddy Schafer respectively.

The lighting for this show was quite simply boring. No thought seems to have been put into creating dynamic changes in mood from one moment to the next and so the show has a somewhat flat sensibility. There are certainly opportunities to focus the audience's attention at critical points in the show, but no effort appears to have been made to do so. How about a narrow spot and no stage lights at all for "Wicked Little Town" or "Exquisite Corpse"? How about giving Dave some light during "Wicked Little Town Reprise"? He was on stage, and one senses it was important for him to be there, so then let us see him. I expect the spotlight direction and timing will improve after this first show.

The part of Tommy Gnosis was restricted to a handful of pre-recorded TV shots, all of which were filmed very well and with some pizzazz. In fact, those shots are probably the most professional part of the entire show. Clearly the camera was in the hands of an old pro. Jef Rouner acquits himself capably in a role that asks only minutes of him. As with the spotlight handling, I expect Dave's timing turning the TV off and on to improve as the shows go on.

Lynda Self as Yitzhak impressed me with her ability to seem very guy-like before the show began, trudging around as she rearranged the stage set-up. Sadly, it fell apart in the show itself. She lapsed back into feminine mode too quickly and may not be able to overcome her physicality - which I've admittedly admired over the years. In most comic scenes with Hedwig, she tends to be the Harvey Korman of the two. She'll need to work on bringing some seriousness to the part. There are also a number of songs that are simply out of her range. She handled a couple of them well, but it is essential that she not be allowed to sing anything a cappella. When she sticks to backing vocals on stuff within her capacity, her voice is sweet and cooing.

And then we come to Dave. He nearly pulls it off, overcoming the tremendous obstacles in music performance and stage production. He has the voice, but had to struggle to keep certain songs on track due to the band's instability - "Exquisite Corpse" and "Wicked Little Town" especially. He has splashed a few current event and local references, but I fear that actually puts the show in too mundane a context. Just my opinion, but the show should not come quite so close to reality given its premise. He never struggled with a line but he seemed a little too prancy during the first number (perhaps nervousness). The other physical problem with the show is that the humor - especially between Yitzhak and Hedwig - is telegraphed to the audience with such obviousness that it's like there are big arrows on stage saying, "LAUGH HERE." Dave was much better at delivering offhanded comic lines when he had entire control of the tempo.

Anyone who has seen Dave do Reverend Jim from Taxi, or Prince, or Mick Jagger knows that he is an accomplished mimic. This both helps and hurts him in the show. He nails the accent and gets the characterization right for Hedwig, and he does Hedwig's mother with the proper bemused detachment. But his impersonations of Luther Robinson and Tommy Gnosis are so deftly delivered that you start to understand his performance of Hedwig as merely one mask of many. He brings the other characters to life from beyond Hedwig's perspective. He should be doing Hedwig doing Tommy, not Dave Gill doing Tommy. It's like watching Sybil as performed by Robin Williams.

I realize that I watched the first public performance of this show and that improvements are likely as the show goes on. Unfortunately, the things that need the most improvement are the things of which I'm not sure the current crew is capable. The band may get a little tighter, but they will not appreciably improve as musicians and thus the show will only go so far. Damn shame, as that is one hell of a score.

Tickets are $20 Friday and Saturdays, $16 Sundays. Personally, I think that's steep for a show of this limited caliber. I might pay $10 to see Dave Gill perform again, but I'd save the other $10 for a copy of the cast album, which I have been listening to every day at work for the last two months.

FINALLY:

NEWS WE CAN USE

Why have we NOT seen this?

It's been called the WORST MOVIE OF THE NINETIES and includes Eric Idle and Sandra Bernhard. WHY have we neglected THIS???

I realize that a musical theme is up next for Ubertransmaniacon but we must begin perusing the "bottom 100" lists for future material.

It Beats Being PigPen

You are Schroeder!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Let's Get To Know Each Other

One of my names on another message board is 'Ralphieboy' and the message board in question has lots of annoying personality surveys. I parodied those
get-to-know-you pieces with THIS quiz:

(no trick questions; all have actual answers - exept the last one - I
think)

-----------

Which of these songs does Ralphie NOT posess on 45 single?
__________________________________________________
"Barefootin'" - Brownsville Station
"True Colors" - Cindi Lauper
"Urge For Going" - Joni Mitchell
"End Title from the film SCANDAL" - Dusty Springfield/Pet Shop Boys
"I Hear You Knockin' " - Dave Edmunds

Which of these albums does Ralphie NOT posess on LP?
_____________________________________________
"Unforgettable Fire" - U2
(First album/Self-titled) - Richie Valens
(First album/Self-titled) - Root Boy Slim w/ The Rootettes
"Blood On The Tracks" - Bob Dylan
"Boogie Woogie" - Ammons/Johnson/Lewis

Which of these electromechanical devices does Ralphie NOT own?
______________________________________________________
DVD Player
Sony PCM VHS audio adapter
8-Track Recorder
Super 8 movie camera
Indash AM radio from 1972 Olds Cutlass

Which of these types has Ralphie NOT dated?
_____________________________________
Pager Control Operator
Bookkeeper
Legacy Systems Programmer
Software Support Technician
Salesperson

Which of these jobs has Ralphie NOT had?
__________________________________
Plants and Fertilizer sales
Tape Operator
Truck Driver
Security Guard
Janitor

Which of these items is NOT on Ralphie's 2do list?
________________________________________
Read from booklist
Get cigs
Test camera driver reload
Balance checkbook
Get trailer hitch

Which of these important things does Ralphie NOT posess?
________________________________________________
Condominium
Land
Car
Car Insurance
Minor Security Clearance

Which of these items does NOT interest Ralphie?
_______________________________________
Architecture
Interior Decorating
Greek Philosophy
Jazz History
Military Toxicology

Which of these actors does Ralphie NOT like?
_____________________________________
Nick Nolte
Woody Allen
Tom Cruise
Paul Lynde
Phil Silvers

Which of these actresses does Ralphie NOT like?
_______________________________________
Lizabeth Scott
Bette Davis
Sandahl Bergman
Dolores Fuller
Barbara Payton

What does Ralphie NOT drink?
_________________________
Bourbon and water
Honey Meade
Bud Light
Chivas
Pina Coladas

Which philosopher does Ralphie NOT compliment in some respect?
______________________________________________________
Immanuel Kant
Alfred Rosenberg
Ayn Rand
Gottfried Wilhelm von Leibniz
Ludwig Wittgenstein

To what city has Ralphie NOT traveled?
________________________________
Seattle, Washington
Hope, Arkansas
Bozeman, Montana
Biloxi, Mississippi
Staten Island (NYC), NY

In what state was Ralphie born?
__________________________
Mississippi
Illinois
California
Kansas
Vermont

Which subject has Ralphie NEVER declared a major?
___________________________________________
English
History
Philosophy
Business Administration
Journalism

Which model would Ralphie NOT date?
_______________________________
Peta Wilson
Iman
Vanessa Williams
Tyra Banks
Heather Hunter

Which architect is NOT complimented by Ralphie in some fashion?
______________________________________________________
Frank Lloyd Wright
Ludwig Mies Van Der Rohe
Philip Johnson
Frank Gehry
Louis Sullivan

Which singer is NOT represented in the Ralphie recording collection?
________________________________________________________
David Bowie
Glen Campbell
George Michael
Hank Snow
Carole King

Which car stereo brand has NOT been patronized by Ralphie?
__________________________________________________
Pioneer
Sanyo
Alpine
Philco
Jensen

Which song, short story, book or article title can NOT be traced to
Ralphie in some way?
______________________________________________________
Political Crackpots I Have Known
How I Made $100 In Real Estate
Left Turn At Albuquerque: The Bugs Bunny Subtext In Postwar Western
Civilization
Few Actually Call It Conspiracy: The “Three’s Company” / Waco Connection
Winning Strategies For “Redneck Rampage Network Tournament”

Springtime For Hitler

The Producers A Big Hit in Houston

As a ramp-up to UberStock, I thought it fitting that I do a musical review. First, let me say that I'm a fan of musical theater. If you aren't, then so be it. Nobody is going to twist your arm to watch a musical. If you think it's something only people who are light in the loafers do, then I recommend skipping this entry.

Last weekend, my sweetums and I had the opportunity to attend a Valentine's Day matinee of "The Producers". In case you were in a coma for 2000-2001, this is the show that set a new standard for musical comedy. Longtime film veteran Mel Brooks decided to take a stab at live theater, and came away with the biggest show on Broadway when he adapted his 1968 film "The Producers" into a musical comedy starring Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick. This show won 11 Tony Awards and was the talk of the town for over a year. Fortunately for us uncultured folks outside of the Manhatten glow, there are a few travelling casts putting this show on in venues across America. It was one of these casts which we saw on Valentine's Day.

I was wondering how Mel Brooks would do musical theater, as the movie really only had one musical number in it. I was concerned that he would be trying to shoehorn songs in between his comedic dialogue. Well folks, I am glad to report that my concerns were unfounded, and I should have had more faith in the genius that is Mel Brooks. Instead of forcing songs to fit, he found some very natural places to insert songs, transitioning the characters from space to space. Sure, there were long spots of dialogue, but it was generally funny, and even borrowed from the movie in some places I had hoped it would.

The biggest selling point of this show on Broadway were the two lead actors. With Nathan Lane playing slimey Max Bialystock and Matthew Broderick playing the jittery Leo Bloom, you couldn't really lose. Hopefully the travelling cast wouldn't let Houston down by putting some slack-jawed yokels with no comedic timing in the roles. After watching the show, I am again glad to report that Lewis Stadlen and Alan Ruck did these roles justice by really savoring the meat that Mel Brooks fed to them. I am not very familiar with Lewis Stadlen's work, but after looking him up I can see why. The man's not done a lot of big-name film work, but his bio reports many decades of Broadway experience. A good sign. Some of you may recognize the other lead actor, Alan Ruck, from his roles in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Spin City. Yes, Cameron Frye had come to Houston. And let me now pay this man the greatest compliment I can: if I were to close my eyes at points in the show, it was if I were watching the movie and Gene Wilder was ranting and raving about being hysterical. He played off of Stadlen's very slick characterization as the paranoid Leo with perfection.

The storyline followed the movie pretty accurately, with producer Max teaming up with accountant Leo to fleece old ladies of big bucks while putting on a failed musical to cover up the scheme. Unfortunately for the pair, the musical they chose, Springtime for Hitler, turns out to be the greatest satire to hit Broadway and opens to rave reviews. There's also a love story between Leo and office assistant/actress Ulla that drives a wedge between the two. The big payoff in the movie is, of course, the musical itself. It was comedy of the absurd, as Springtime for Hitler became a catchy musical number from the movie. In the theatrical version, this musical number is expanded upon, with a full 10 minute segment covering Hitler, sausage, Stalin, Churchill and F.D.R. in pure Mel Brooks fashion. But for me the real hit of the show was the musical number "Betrayed" sung by Max after the musical has become a hit and Leo skipped town with the money leaving Max in jail. In a 6 minute segment, Max manages to sum up the entire show to that point, doing bits and pieces of every number in the show. It was classic, especially when he described intermission. It had the entire audience rolling in the aisles.

Unfortunately for Houstonians, this show has come and gone. However, I highly encourage folks to support these shows as they make their way through our neck of the woods. Yes, they cost a lot more than a movie, but sometimes you just have to splurge and experience something different in life. There are several shows I would love to attend, and at least two I can put down a firm "come hell or high water" attendance mark next to:

March 9-14, 2004: Rent
March 30 - April 11, 2004: Urinetown
May 12-23, 2004: 42nd Street
July 6-18, 2004: Oklahoma
September 28 - Oct. 10, 2004: Wonderful Town
November 9-21, 2004: Hairspray
January 4-16, 2005: Little Shop of Horrors (I will definately be there)
February 22 - March 6, 2005: Les Miserables
April 12-24, 2005: Movin' Out (again, I will definately be there)
May 31 - June 12, 2005: On The Record

LIFESTYLES OF THE DESTITUTE AND OBSCURE

I've noticed that of the four major co-conspirators on this page, most or all of them have personally experienced the domestic surroundings of TWO of the members, being the living arrangements of Ulysses and Uber.

Thrillhouse and myself therefore remain as the interior decorating "unknowns". Perhaps this is as it should be; I'll leave my speculations as they have been, assuming Thrillhouse to live in a film noir detective office (assuming Peter Lorre was the proprietor) and allow everyone else to imagine me in surroundings primarily of bare concrete and ammunition reloading equipment.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!??!

The Future In Burial Technology

So this is what we have come down to? It's not enough that we have voyueristic television that peeps in on someone getting married or divorced or having a kid. It's not enough that we must know everyone's actions when they're alive. Now we also have to watch them when they're dead. Are we scared that they will rise up and reclaim the earth's surface? Or perhaps it's a future for headstones. You can put a ruggedized LCD panel on the headstone and get a live shot of the corpse.

But at least Otto will make a good looking corpse...