ClownCarBlog.com

Eurocentric Paternalism At Its Finest

Get yer Dana Plato on in under 5 minutes. Or, in the case of Ralphie ... get yer Charlotte Rae on.

Not sure what I think of the Honda "Minisodes." On the one hand, it spares me from the torture of all 23 minutes of Mr. Drummond's banalities. But on the other hand, I do miss the many nuances that Dana Plato adds to the show.

Best High School Sitcom of the 80s

A debate worth settling: which of these two shows ruled the school back in the day? Sorry Uber, "Saved by the Bell" doesn't count. My vote goes to Parker Lewis.

Mmmmmm ... Musso.

Parker Lewis' Day Off ... err, Can't Lose:

Square Pegs:

Two commercial series ruined

First, let's address what's gone wrong with a solid series of cute commercials, the Rozerem ads. I actually used to giggle shamelessly every time that bearded lanky ol' feller would say, "Hel-loo, honest Abe?!" even though I find the beaver... disturbing. But sadly, the franchise has become confused and makes no sense anymore. What do I mean by that? Well...

Witness the latest installation, wherein our insomniacal host is late to work and blames lack of sleep. The woman he addresses says something like "Tell me about it!" and walks away with a purple pony following her.

What is that about? My understanding is that the sequences we watch with these odd characters take place within our protagonist's mind. He has trouble regularly making his way into dreamland, and is therefore greeted by this cadre of kooks as though they rarely see him anymore. Fine. But then what's going on with the chick with the purple pony? Is that more of our man's dreams? Is it her dream? The pony seems to be connected with the woman in a way that implies it is the manifestation of her own frustration with getting to sleep. But I don't see why that would come forth in the man's dream. You might say it's just the randomness of dreams in general, but that's been covered by the objects imagined: beaver, astronaut, pony, Lincoln, chess. But the actual narrative has been relatively coherent up to this point. So what exactly is going on here?!

Am I taking this too seriously? Umm, no. Not when something like this can happen.

Seriously?!! We're giving the cavemen their own show?! Frankly, it's been my favorite commercial series for a while now, but count me FIRMLY against this idea. What is hysterical in 30 seconds and with no context cannot survive in this format. I mean, the humor in these commercials is too subtle for a sitcom. I CAN-NOT BELIEVE I JUST WROTE THAT!! But it's true. The exasperation of these cavemen is only so funny, and the utter absurdity of the concept over the course of 30 minutes will just tear the show asunder because eventually backstory will be given, fish-out-of-water jokes will run dry, etc. etc.

Think about it: the best moment of all these commercials is when the two cavemen are on the patio at a party discussing their plight, and one of their fellow cavemen pokes his head out and excitedly says, "Tina's here! We're getting back together!" It's perfect, this inclusion of a completely random and unnecessary line, and somehow we all know EXACTLY what kind of person and experience that bit has parodied. It's brilliant, and I'm totally unashamed to say that. What I emphatically do NOT need to know is that guy's name, who Tina is, and why they broke up. Madison Avenue finally achieves something of genuine humor, and television will now go about beating it ruthlessly to death. A moment of silence for the passing of this franchise, please.

******************

Just a taste of Police Squad!

I'm all for old material reissued

...but this is too much.

Live From New York ...

I never thought I'd say this, but after watching the live performance of Will & Grace tonight, I have to admit this: the cast of Roc was far superior in their live performance. Harsh, I know ... but true. Those guys rocced. The cast, of course, had better stage credentials than ... well, most stage troupes. But since they were on Fox (and in the early years, no less), they get less praise from the rest of society.

And as a now-irregular viewer of W&G, I have to admit the few times I've seen the show, the political humor seems a bit out of place. I mean, it's ok for Murphy Brown to inject polihumor because, well, that's the nature of their show. But watching W&G reminded me of when A Different World veered a bit more towards that niche. It just doesn't fit.

Of course, since I'm required by the laws of physics to lust for Debra Messing (except during her freaky bulemic years), this hurts me to admit. But since the live show relied a bit on improv, the source of the jokes can't be pinned on some writer with a kick. Just focus folks, and the syndication checks will be your retirement income some day. Just curious, do they still run Murphy Brown in syndication anywhere?

TV Review: Beautiful People

Initial thoughts on Beautiful People are that it misses my preconceived notion of "Gilmore Girls plus one" and that it smacks a bit too much of the 1983 cinematic gem, Class ... and I don't mean that in a good way.

Bear in mind that the only reason I watched this show was because I still haven't gotten over my crush of Daphne Zuniga since her days on Melrose Place. If you remember Melrose, you'll recall that Daphne's character was a photog. That trait, not suprisingly, has been passed down to her daughter in this series.

There's a few Gilmore parallels to draw, but they get a bit too strained, too soon:

• Replace Jake with a rich tycoon caught up in a loveless marriage and you've got the adult love interest.
• Replace the walking scenes around Stars Hollow with a helicopter ride around the Big Apple.
• Replace Paris with a dozen or so side-characters who represent the upscale, snooty, beatiful people - "BPs" for short.

Outside of that, it's a bit more of a reach. The dialogue tends to lean more towards the predictable teen-driven series that permeate our airwaves like cockroaches in a greasy kitchen. Also, it should be noted, that the focus of this show is decidedly NOT towards Zuniga's character - a major demerit in my view. Granted, 30-something dudes don't buy enough cosmetics or clothing. Nor do we have much interest in the other teen-focused series cross-advertised on the show. But still ... we gotta watch something, last I checked. And since it ain't football season, hot chicks on television will get me through.

Still, for what little we get of Zuniga, she delivers. She's showing less mileage than Lori Loughlin from Full House/Summerland and even though her character is cast a bit older than Lorelai Gilmore at the outset, you'd never have guessed it. Jury's still out on whether or not I can get into this over-teenybopped show, but for now, it's a welcome spectacle to once more get my fix of Daphne.

Earth Girls Age, Too

Riddle me this ... how can Geena Davis look THIS hot yet, whenever I catch the previews of her new TV show, I see none of it?

Joel Stein: "My Bad"

They Liked the Naked Middle-Aged Man - Joel Stein

A refreshingly honest column here on a failed television pilot from the view of a creator witnessing it's destruction at the hands of a focus group. His assessment?

Most writers dismiss focus groups as philistines who love sappy, unrealistically righteous characters and cheap jokes. They also think executives are nervous idiots who pick the safely mediocre. And most people outside the industry think that's indeed why television is so bad.

I think it's because making something good is so hard. Most books, movies, plays, albums, product design and restaurants are awful. You just see more bad TV because the medium makes it so easy to browse. My show was bad because I didn't figure out how to write a good one.

Not having witnessed the pilot to ascertain the suckiness or greatness of it, I think it's worth applauding the honesty to admit that not everything we create is a Michaelangeloesque work of art and it often benefits us to just fess up to a "My Bad" every once in a while. Failing in the aim of achieving that greatness means you're pushing your limits. Of course, if becomes habitual, it just indicates the need for a new hobby.

Hey, As Long as the Weathergirl Is Still Delivering the news ....

Slowest news day ... ever.

White Collar TV

What in the holy heck is Kelsey Grammer doing with a sketch comedy show? Four minutes into the show and there's already two skits involving armored knights. Cripes, what's on PBS???

UPDATE: OK, I spoke too soon. Six minutes in and there's already a psychiatrist bit on. Wow, there's a saving grace if I've ever seen one.

Johnny Carson

One of the greats is now lost forever. As one of the Clown Car contingent old enough to recall watching Johnny Carson at night, its worth noting that Carson was seemingly the eternal glue from the early ages of comedy to the modern era. The former joke writer for Jack Paar gave us Jerry Seinfeld, David Letterman, and a slew of others. In one person, we lose someone immortalized by both Jack Burns and Homer Simpson alike.

Tom Shales hits many of the highlights in his memorium.

Conan to Fill Carson's Shoes (Actually, Leno's)

Not a total shock, but still impressive to read ...

Conan to Take Over 'Tonight' in Five Years

My, how our little Conan has grown up. I cannot wait for the day he takes over.

Sometimes, I Even Amaze Myself

I neglected to whip up some poignant recap of the season that was for Big Brother 5 ... its the world's loss that I've overlooked this. But in reviewing my earlier thoughts here, I can't help but notice that since it came down to Drew & Cowboy in the final two, that I was spot-on in my analysis.

In the end, Drew won out ... the college pretty boy who suffered for not offending too strongly while still rubbing some the wrong way from his Head of Household decisions. Cowboy was competitive throughout, but didn't win many competitions till the one that decided the final three (he booted his sister). Surprising that sis would come back to vote for Cowboy while Drew would get the vote of his bedmate/psycho-chick after sending her packing from the final three. Had to be a tough vote for most, but since it came down to a 4-3 vote for the winner, that's about what I suspected.

Unexplored Realms of Crap

OK, so last night, I taped a copy of ABC's "The Best TV Shows That Never Were." The easiest call on here for most craptacular show/movie concept was a show called "Fuzz Bucket." Right off the bat, I'm thinking what a cool name for a basset hound that'd make. But then they rolled tape. Oh man ... the imaginary creature is something like an overgrown possum, but the kicker (there's a kicker in a line about an overgrown possum???) is that they try to make it cute, adorable, and lovable. Huge problem ... its a freakin' possum!!! It was so bad, it must be located and viewed by local clowns for whatever punishment we truly deserve.

Perhaps to noone's surprise, the actor who played Fuzz Bucket himself was also cast in "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie." Dude also played a Star Wars ewok, was cast in Troll ... as a troll, and even one of the lovable midgets in a fave of mine: Under the Rainbow (perhaps not Chevy Chase's best movie, but it WAS Billy Barty's!)

Mark my words ... one day, Fuzz Bucket will be released on DVD. That, my friends, will be the sweetest day in the history of the world. Oh ... and the day I ever get a basset hound to name Fuzz Bucket will be pretty sweet, too.

A few other offerings via the show last night:

Rating the Ratings

Curious ... wouldn't all of these types of problems go away if we broadcasted television the same way we do WiFi? I mean, I'm not going to get into particulars about the technical specs, feasibility, & whatnot ... but couldn't you get the ratings based on, essentially, the number of downloads in such a setup?

Tonight On Kilborn ...

Tonight's guests on Kilborn ... Snoop Dogg and Morrissey

I'm guessing the TV Guide has something like this for the descrip: "Vocalist, Morrissey whines about why he's not dead yet ... Rapper, Snoop Dogg obliges."

TV Updates ...

Tonight - The Darkness on Leno!
... Rock On ...

Wednesday - The Bachelor on ABC (8pm Central)
... rumors abound about my own beloved Jessica H ... Oh, and the chick now has her very own fan site. I wonder how that happened.

The Bachelor

S.A. Lawyer Makes First Cut In 'The Bachelor'

I'll admit that I'm confounded as to why I enjoyed watching "The Bachelor" as much as I did last night. There's no reason for enjoying watching a rich, professional athlete get his pick of 25 beautiful women. The rich, indeed, get richer. It's just not fair ... and yes, I realize life isn't fair. But still ... this is just rubbing my nose in the matter.

Yet, there I was ... mesmerized. I think the reason is that it's not that great of a leap of faith among us men to think we might have a shot at (or at least enjoy pretending we have a shot at) women such as the 25 that were trotted out from a limo last night on TV.

In true irrational male fashion, I think I've got a favorite, too ... Jessica D from San Antonio. Sadly, it doesn't look like she made that great of a first impression on NY Giants QB Jesse Palmer, but I'm absolutely smitten with this chick. Texas is well represented in the episode, with an incredibly attractive Houstonian and a hottie from Austin adding to the mix. The Houstonian does not make the cut after night one ... the Austinite does. A bit surprisingly, Jessica survives the televised faux pax of mocking Jesse's college mascot from the University of Florida and lives to fight another day. Wise move on the part of our QB, although I'm further confused as to why I'm not cheering for Jessica to be dumped back into the real world for the rest of us to fight over her.

Reasons for this attraction on my part? Jessica is the only one to NOT take herslef too seriously. She's a bit too giggly, a bit insecure, but also a few bits good natured about the whole reality setup and the humor that goes along with the giggliness is a major feature ... well, that and her natural good looks, obviously. I'll admit, though ... I don't see how this chick passes the state bar to become a lawyer, but I'm not asking too many questions about that. Do I care, though?

Scheduling The Oscars

A Clean and Boring Sweep (Via Calpundit I/II)

Might seem like a minor issue, but why on earth do The Oscars ceremony take so freakin' long every damn year? Calpundit is obviously irked by this issue. The show is scheduled for 3 hours, allegedly. The LA Times slips in a reference to a planned 3.5 hours scheduling. What bugs Cal, and perhaps bugs me slightly less so, is that when watching the show, where exactly does one see moments that were unnecessarily long? And considering that the show has gone over its allotted time for the full run of its televised history, should anyone be shocked?

But heres where this bugs me. Cal says the following last year:

It's pretty obvious that the show lasts exactly as long as the producers want it to. Consider: (a) it runs long every year, (b) every other award show ends within a few nanoseconds of the scheduled time, (c) the networks sell advertising time based on the length of the show, and (d) these guys are pros and know exactly how to time a show like this.

Whoa there ... advertising sales. That's key. If you knew a show was going on for 4 hours and would be on well past a lot of bedtimes on the east coast, how much do you think that ad slot is worth late in the show? A lot? Not really. Even if you factor in the suspense due to the big awards being saved for last, I suspect there's still a decrease in viewership ... maybe small, maybe large ... but eventually people tire. But you've also got to go by ratings that are comparable, and there's nothing to really suggest that midnight on Sunday is a good time to sell ad space.

So why bother telling everyone that its a 3-hour show? Because you've got to sell spots at the end with something of a straight face to let Proctor & Gamble know that their ad will be seen by X people for Y dollars.

Then again, why would advertisers be fooled by such a ruse?

In any event, its a minor diversion, I suppose. One commenter on Cal's site bothered to keep stats on the show's runtime over the last 6 showings:

1999 - 3:51
2000 - 4:15
2001 - 3:28
2002 - 4:21
2003 - 3:34
2004 - 3:45

Another commenter suggests that part of the reason may be another bit with ad sales ... those bought on condition that the show runs over. The ads might not run, so there's a variable factor at stake here ... but if you are running the show and you know you've got X number of extra ads that make it worthwhile to run a 4 hour show versus a 3:45 show, would you not take the 15 minutes and the cash?

Then again ... yet another commenter sums it up thusly: "Who cares?" Well, who cares which actor wins Best Actor? Who cares which documentary wins Best Documentary? Its all an idle diversion, I suppose. May as well jump in and enjoy the moment.

Mugged by Reality

Its not every night I make an appointment with the television for some R&R, so as luck would have it, I get home to the familiar spectacle of Survivor initially, only to follow that buffoonery up with the rerunned finale of My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance.

The concept with Survivor, being an All Star show with some of the most memorable strandees from the past, is worthwhile. CalPundit calls them lame. I'll slightly disagree. I think the show only heats up after about half the group is gone and intrigue heats up. We're still at an early point in this run, but one positive witnessed last night was that the evil creep from the first series, Richard Hatch, is now toast. He was, in fact, a unanimous pick by the rest of the tribe.

I always find it odd on some of the more competitive versions of reality shows how a few characters will succeed by being openly duplicitous. The rationale seems to go "At least I know they're lying, the other guy ... I dunno." Yet to these wavering souls, they seem to lose sight of the fact that while they are being lied to 100% by these open liars, they ignore the moments when they give in and accept something as truthful, only to wonder in amazement at the knife in their back. Hatch, of course, made a cool mill off this method. It doesn't instill a great deal of confidence in the rest of mankind to witness this, I'll admit.

That in mind, Fiance is more of a practical joke setup show, with a long drawn-out joke, and a weird ending. All throughout the show, you're wondering how the family will react when the "bride" admits its a ruse. Turns out, the joke is on the bride. The groom she thought she was in cahoots with is an actor (we, the viewers, know this on Day One). The family is naturally very upset by both the forced effort to make them swallow this odd couple pairing (several of the bride's siblings threaten to protest the wedding, but relent) as well as the revelation that this was all a con.

In the end, the actor playing the groom tries to mask any hurt feelings by noting that the love of a family kept them together and forced them to notice that this wedding should not take place ... nevermind that they were all apparently willing to let it proceed. The bride claims she wanted to do all this for the family and rake in a fat paycheck for them (initially $250,000 ... later raised to $500,000 for purpose of giving a pleasant surprise to both bride and family afterwards) Once more, I'm not sure the moral of the story says anything good about mankind.

Also on recent viewing was the finale of The Surreal Life. Concept is this ... attempt to grab that 16th minute of fame. At least this one is titled appropriately. No better word fits this show's concept than "surreal." Words fail me in describing it in any more detail.

Overall, this genre is definitely scraping bottom. I mean, when you have a version of The Bachelor for midgets (Fox ... where else?), that's rock bottom. I'd love to close my eyes, proclaim "Macarena" and see this genre put to death. Haven't checked the ratings much lately, but I'm curious ... are these shows getting watched still? Jeez, bring back a regrouped Donnie & Marie variety show for my money!

Well Now I'm Appalled!

Has swearing lost its power to outrage?

OK, first there was Bono swearing on The Grammies ... then Nicole Richie dropping another F-bomb on Fox. But Johnny Rotten calling people "f****** c*nts" ... that takes the cake. I cannot begin to express my shock and amazement of such behaviour of ANYONE hailing from The Sex Pistols camp. That's not the sort of punk rocker we've come to know and love!

Oh wait ... yes it is.

Jack Paar: 1918-2004

And on a sadder note ...

Outspoken 'Tonight Show' pioneer Jack Paar dies at 85

Silver Anniversary for the Gold Domers

Twenty five years ago on an extremely cold New Year's Day in Dallas, Bill Yoeman had probably the worst-coached minute of his career and Joe Montana began a string of last-minute sports disappointments for the city of Houston (the Oilers and Astros soon to follow). Though I was only eight years old at the time, I still remember it clear as day. Or so I thought before flipping past ESPN Classic and catching the game the other night. The critical failures were as I remembered them: with less than a minute to go in the game, Notre Dame is called for an offside penalty on 4th and 6 for the Cougars. The punt had been kicked and downed at the ND 45 yard line, but Yoeman elects to take the penalty instead of the play, putting UH back at 4th and 1. Then he decides to go for it - Notre Dame having blocked two previous punts - and Emmet King gets stuffed, giving the ball to Montana at the UH 29-yard line. Montana completes a pass to Kris Haines for a first down along the sideline, who gets out of bounds and stops the clock with 6 seconds to go. Yoeman calls a time out and two plays later, Montana hits Haines again, this time in the end zone, and hearts break all throughout Cougar Country.

With all due repect, Mr Yoeman.... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING????!!! Granted, two punts blocked already, but even if there had been a third, what were the odds that they'd have caught it and run it right in again? Very little, therefore they'd have had the ball very near where they got it anyway when you turned it over on downs, but still - only if they'd have blocked the punt. Why in God's name would you go for it on 4th at your own 29? And having seen the Veer shred the gold-domers the bulk of three quarters, you then send King right up the gut?

And what's with the time out? Yes, they had a first down, which would have stopped the clock even if they hadn't got out of bounds, but did you really need to give them the extra time to draw up a play with 6 seconds left? Oy vey!

Casting the emotional flashback aside, I was at least entertained by this wonderful look into the past and the way we used to watch football. The game was condensed for time considerations (as I assume all Classic games are), but I was still startled by some of the stark differences between then and now. I think for the entire duration of the game, I did not see or hear a single commercial product endorsed, flashed, scrolled, or even mentioned. In the era of the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl and the FedEx Orange Bowl, it was quite a relief to say the least. And I could excuse the fact that the stadium appeared almost deserted in places (-19 degrees wind chill at kick-off), but the relaxed pace, the soothing commentary, the by-the-book analysis - they all seem so... quaint. No crawl at the bottom of the screen, no network logo embossed at the corner: just a football game going on. They'd occasionally flash the score in puke-orange text, but no box at the bottom giving all conceivable stats. It was really quite nice. The only knock is that without the gazillion camera angles that are now so prevalent, we couldn't really get a good look at the last reception in the end zone to see if he was really in bounds. I'm not gonna go all Mike Renfro on 'em, but it would have been nice to confirm the score. I mean, even the annoucer says you can't get a good look at it because of a few folks standing on the sideline blocking the view - that would be nearly impossible now. Every football game is rendered in complete Matrix wrap-around with quadraphonic floor-quaking sound. That's the one area of sports broadcasting that can truly be said to have improved.

Still, this past year's Aloha Bowl did a lot to ease the pain of '79. Yes, the Cougars lost, but in the exact opposite way they lost the earlier game. We were the ones who came back; we were the ones who wouldn't quit; we were the ones who fought like warriors through 3 overtimes before we could finally give no more. I'm very proud of these guys and I'm looking forward to Battle and Kolb delivering us some quality football the next few years at Robertson. Which reminds me (and should remind you) to start considering season tickets for next year. Go Coogs!

Ashcroft, the Simpsons Fan

Roger Ailes, Over and Out

Why does this whacko need to ruin my favorite show for me? Can't he like some crappy show, instead?